It was last spring.
Matt was on a business trip when it happened…
His girlfriend at that time was out with her girls and met an Australian in a club. One thing led to another and the two ended up sleeping with each other.
Matt couldn’t forgive her and broke up with her. The thought that there was another guy she fell for ate him up.
Since then almost 2 years have passed and meanwhile, Matt has a new girlfriend. She has given him absolutely no reason to be leery.
Nevertheless, Matt sometimes gets this strange feeling in his stomach. When she’s out clubbing with her girls, he just can’t relax.
Then he either has to get out and go to the same club where his girlfriend is, or he gets drunk in a bar with his mates.
Matt tells me all this one day with watery eyes.
What did I tell him to do?
You’ll find out in this article.
- Why a relationship without trust is hell on earth and how you can build a relationship of trust
- How your self-confidence is related to trust and how you can strengthen both
- The self-fulfilling prophecy that can either save or destroy your relationship
- Effective ways to build trust in a relationship: How you strengthen your ability to trust
- And much more to build trust in a relationship…
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THIS is why building trust in a relationship is so important
Trust is the foundation for every relationship in which REAL love is to be created. Call me old-fashioned, spiritual, petty or whatever, but I’m convinced that a relationship without trust can’t work in the long run.
And that’s a good thing.
What’s a relationship without trust?
You must be able to trust your partner to like you, to respect you and to speak about you in high tones even behind closed doors. You must also be able to believe that she’s willing and happy to be with you and doesn’t want to hurt or disappoint you intentionally.
If you don’t trust your partner, it’s only a matter of time before you become morbidly jealous and leery.
The result is that you can’t relax at all when your girlfriend is in a situation where she could theoretically cheat on you.
So practically every time she walks out of the house.
And this isn’t really bueno, if you ask me…
Why do breaches of trust wear us down
Let’s say you’ve been hurt similarly as Matt. …it’s understandable that you’ve had a hard time opening up again.
It doesn’t even have to be such a serious incident as Matts’s ex’s fling to create a breach of trust. If promises haven’t been kept, or you’ve been treated unfairly, lied to or disappointed, that’s often quite enough.
The more serious the lie/disappointment is, the worse it’s for your mutual trust, of course.
You opened your heart and took the risk of being disappointed – whether deliberately or not.
Accordingly, after a big disappointment, your soul is first of all fucked up and needs time to heal.
If you feel a certain distance to your girlfriend, it may be from a traumatic experience you haven’t yet processed.
Until you’ve done this, you’ll never be able to experience the closeness and intimacy that most people want in a relationship.
What you can do to speed up the healing process, I’ll explain later.
What’s important right now is to know how to rebuild trust in a relationship.
What self-confidence has to do with trust
In the event of a breach of trust, your SELF-TRUST may be severely damaged. Especially if you don’t know your strengths and weaknesses or can’t deal with them, such an incident triggers many questions in you.
- “Did she cheat on me because I’m not good enough for her?”
- “Did I do something wrong without realizing it? Am I that stupid?”
- “Am I not man enough for a woman like that?”
- “Was the sex too bad?”
Someone who has already developed a high level of self-confidence will ask himself these questions less.
The more often you open up to someone and manage to build a successful relationship, the better you get to know yourself. This is due to the reaction you trigger in your counterpart. In psychology, this is called “mirroring”.
Not that kind of mirroring…
The better your partner reacts to your strengths and weaknesses, the easier it’ll be for you to accept her yourself.
But the whole thing also works the other way round:
The more you accept yourself, the better your partner will react to you.
What can save or destroy your relationship
Without the ability to trust, you’re constantly leery and jealous.
Not pleasant emotions… neither for you nor for her.
Paranoid thoughts keep popping into your head:
“What’s she doing?” “Who‘s she with?”
“What’s she doing?”
“Who‘s she with?”
The idea that she’s alone with another guy may even become so unbearable that you feel the urge to check her messages on her smartphone.
This is because consciously or unconsciously you expect to be disappointed again.
The hard truth is:
The less you trust her, the more likely she’s to betray your trust.
Because she’s annoyed by your paranoid behavior. If you’re “lucky,” she has the strength to end the relationship first. If you’re unlucky, she loses interest and respect for you because of your lack of self-confidence and starts something with someone else.
Fortunately, the whole thing works the other way round again:
The more you trust your girlfriend, the more respect she’ll have for you.
The only condition is that you trust in the RIGHT way:
It’s not the same thing!
Your girlfriend will feel the difference, and someone who trusts you out of courage you don’t want to disappoint.
5 practical tips to strengthen your trust in her
Tip #1: Make the decision
First you have to make the decision to build a strong confidence. Yes, it’s a skill and, just like an instrument, you can learn it.
Be aware that your current girlfriend is an individually different person. Just because your trust was abused in a previous relationship doesn’t mean it has to happen again in your new relationship.
If you can trust your partner, not only will she have a thousand times more respect for you…
You’ll also have much more energy left for her and the beautiful and important things in life.
To add healthy pressure to push your decision through with determination, you can involve one or more close friends in your plans.
Tip #2: Research
To bring your confidence (back) to top level, you should at least know roughly where this problem comes from.
Did you take this behavior from your parents? Were you abandoned as a child?
Without this knowledge, you may carry a lifetime of trauma that’s triggered again and again when you enter a relationship.
Rent a digger and start digging into your past. Write down everything that might have caused the breach of trust, how it happened, and what it did to you emotionally.
This is the basis for the next step.
Tip #3: Open up
If, for example, your girlfriend at that time cheated on you, then this may have happened because she couldn’t live out a part of her personality with you.
One reason for this may be that the communication in your relationship hasn’t worked properly.
To prevent this from happening again, you should be completely open with your girlfriend about your and her needs.
It’s quite possible that she would like to help you to rebuild trust… Trust her with what you’ve written about your past and talk about it openly.
Your partner may even be willing to set goals together with you to achieve a strong sense of trust.
A goal could be, for example:
Tip #4: Be patient
The bigger the disappointment that has affected your ability to trust, the longer it usually takes to regain it.
Just know it’s not going to happen overnight.
The ability to build trust can be a long process.
Take the time you need and work on it step by step at your own pace.
If your girlfriend is frustrated because she can’t see progress, make her understand that you need her patience and confidence.
As long as you don’t lose faith in your progress and patiently continue to follow it, you’re on the right path.
Tip #5: There’s never a guarantee
Even if you manage to bring your trust to a normal level, always remember:
There will never be a guarantee that your trust won’t be abused again.
It’s healthy not to be naive and not to get completely naive about a person.
If that person actually hurts you, a world will collapse upon you. This “residual distrust” should be taken as healthy skepticism.
It helps you to keep your distance so that you don’t lose yourself too much in devotion to the other person.
As a man, you need this distance again and again so that you don’t neglect your own life, your mission, your friends and other passions.
In this sense, I hope that you’ll soon be able to trust your girlfriend without problems and that your relationship will be better than ever before!
But to give yourself the highest chances of long-lasting success, I recommend you have a look at my Transformation Kit.
Dan de Ram