Whether you broke up last month or already years ago…
Your feelings for your ex are coming back.
Can feelings come back after a breakup and what should you do with these feelings?
This article gives you clarity if you keep having lovesick feelings about your ex-girlfriend, even after a long time.
In this article, you’ll discover…
- How you can painlessly process the feelings for your ex with simple exercises
- And which step you should take: forget your ex or get her back
- The scientifically proven method to deal with your loss
- The smartest way to get in touch again (or to actually forget your ex forever)
- And much more on the feelings for your ex…
By the way, have you seen my free Transformation Kit?
You'll get my best stuff absolutely free: 12 Opening lines that actually work, my 5 best texting tips (including copy-paste lines for Tinder), and the Friendzone Houdini. Download the Transformation Kit here.
After reading this article, you’ll know exactly what to do when your feelings come back after a breakup!
Lost feelings for your ex come back: the 3 different scenarios
Before we start with the tips, I’ve got an important announcement for you:
Because which tips are relevant for you, depends on your situation.
So first consider which context applies to you:
- You want to get back with your ex.
- You do not want to get your ex back.
- You don’t know what you want now.
But first read through Tip #1 to 5, regardless of the context you’re in.
Cuz these tips show you what you can best do NOW, to deal with your feelings.
Your first step now is to take some time for your feelings.
If you don’t, then there’s a 69% chance you’ll do something stupid. Stupid things that you’ll regret.
Just like how I ended up calling an ex at 4 in the night. Why?
We had just ended it and the breakup left me with lots of pain and sorrow.
I figured getting over it wouldn’t be a big deal. But after a couple of drinks on a blue Friday night, it turned out I was sadly mistaken.
So: give yourself the time to process and heal. Even if it seems like ages ago.
Be supportive of yourself about this. Heartache really does hurt and you don’t “just” get over it.
With this self-compassion, you can look at constructive ways to deal with your re-occurring feelings for your ex.
Because when you properly cope with your feelings, you’ll control the situation. Then your emotions aren’t behind the wheel, but you are.
Which allows you to make the best choices for yourself.
And heads up: for the attentive readers I have a special treat. A treat that will enrich your life, no matter your situation.
But first things first…
Feelings for your ex come back: 10 tips
Let’s get started with the first tip.
Tip #1: Embrace your feelings
I hope that you’re wide awake, amigo. Because this first tip is crucial if you want to be in charge of those nauseating feelings for your ex-girlfriend.
To really get you the right support I’ll take you back in time.
I was 21 years old and months into suffering from persistent heartache. I was trying to distract myself, take my mind off things, and keep myself busy.
But nothing worked. In fact; my heartache only got worse.
I had the wrong goal.
My goal was to silence my feelings.
But after countless attempts to get rid of my feelings, I came to the following realization.
It is impossible.
Because whatever I did, the nasty feelings stayed.
This brought me to the actual goal that would put me out of my misery:
Embracing my feelings.
Because the painful truth is this:
As long as you resist the problem, you cannot solve any problem at all.
The feelings for your ex often cause confusion and misery. Sometimes even pain…
And that pain only becomes more painful when you broke up with your ex years ago.
Because yes, feelings can come back after a breakup.
Of course, you want to get rid of that feeling. But the more you wrestle with those feelings, the stronger they will become. And the more they will hurt you.
So whether you eagerly want your ex back or not:
First, you need to accept the feeling you have right now. It doesn’t matter how long ago it was. You can still be upset about it.
Do you no longer want to be controlled by the feelings for your ex?
Then full acceptance is your only option.
Let all resistance go. Embrace the feelings. And then go on to…
Tip #2: Ask yourself these important questions
Feelings that come back after your breakup are pretty confusing. That’s how you sometimes make dreadful decisions you can’t turn back anymore.
Exactly what happened to a friend of mine. Let’s call him Bryan.
Three months after Bryan broke off his relationship, he was missing his ex like crazy.
When these feelings didn’t disappear, he eventually decided to get back with her.
And that, dear reader, was a huge mistake. Whereas at first glance they seemed happy as f*ck and totally in love, in reality, it was different.
The annoyances, frustrations and fights came back rather quickly…
Until the bomb dropped – hard.
I have never seen a couple break up with so much fighting.
Bryan went back to his girlfriend too quickly. He acted on impulse. And then things sometimes go wrong.
Look, it is understandable that you miss your girlfriend and that you’re jumping up and down like a kangaroo when she texts you.
But do yourself – and her – a favor and first ask yourself these questions before you make a rushed decision:
- What am I looking for in a woman/ a relationship?
- Why did we break up?
- Why do I really miss this person?
Really think about these questions for a while, you’ll prevent being your own worst enemy.
Bryan obviously did not.
Only after he got back with his girlfriend, he realized she wasn’t at all the woman he was looking for.
Namely, she wanted completely different things in the relationship.
While she was happy to sit on the couch and watch TV, Bryan wanted to ramp up his relationship with stunning trips and exciting dates.
Their vision on a relationship clashed, so it didn’t work out.
Besides, they fell back into old patterns pretty quickly. Just like before the first break-up, fights and disagreements started stacking up again.
The painful fact was that Bryan discovered he hadn’t missed her. He rather missed the skewed image of the relationship he was left with after they broke up.
This image arose because he let the feelings for his ex take control. That’s how he made a way too impulsive decision.
And I want to avoid that with you.
So think closely about these questions:
- What am I looking for in a woman/ a relationship?
- Why did we break up?
- Why do I really miss this person?
Ascertain what you want in a relationship.
Consider whether your ex can really give that what you are looking for.
And realize that you cannot fix some people. There’s no point in getting back with that person. For example, in the case of a narcissistic partner.
Tip #3: Put your feelings on paper
There’s an important reason behind the returning feelings for your ex.
And when you know the reason…
Then it’s LOADS easier to process the feelings that come back after a breakup.
Let me clarify this process with the help of an example.
Imagine sitting in a cinema waiting for the movie to begin. The curtains open and the movie really grasps you from the start – you’re totally into it.
But 50 minutes in, the movie just suddenly stops.
The credits appear on screen and you’re left in your chair with a lame, unsatisfied feeling.
Big chance you make your way outside with a confusing or even frustrating feeling.
It is extremely frustrating when something starts good, but ends somewhat disappointing. (My girlfriend knows all about it… 😉).
Please excuse my poor jokes…
What I’m trying to say:
When something does not play out well, then we’re often left with a shitty feeling. As well as the feeling that something isn’t closed off properly, which keeps getting in our way.
And that’s why we find it difficult to process those feelings, which makes it more likely for them to return.
Was your breakup far from a good ending to your relationship? Then the feelings for your ex will be back – guaranteed.
And with “good” I don’t mean your breakup had to be a joyous occasion.
I mean that you have dealt with the breakup. You don’t have any questions left about ending the relationship.
Maybe you’ll occasionally think about the relationship, but you’re not suffering from remorse, confusion, or sorrow.
If you haven’t found closure from the relationship on satisfactory terms, then the feelings for your ex will come back.
No. At least, not yet.
First you yourself need to fully process the breakup. Even if the relationship has been over for a while and you feel like you’ve already processed it, you might be wrong.
Your subconscious is a mysterious thing. It could just be that you’re walking around with a ton of unresolved pain that makes you think of your ex.
So how do you solve this?
Simple, but not simple:
Write about it.
Research points out that writing about intense or even traumatic events from the past helps you to process such events.
By writing you’ll turn the flurry of thoughts and feelings in your head into words on paper.
Therefore, you can bring more order into your brain.
Besides, you stop fleeing away from your feelings, but you confront them by writing about them.
Think back again to Tip #1: Rather by embracing your feelings, they become less intense.
So take a pen and paper and start writing about what’s on your mind. Forget stuff like grammar or proper sentences for a second.
Just write without stopping about everything that you feel.
When you’re done, have a check how you’re feeling.
Big chance that you’ll have way more control over the feelings than before.
Writing gives you the closure that you’ve never received earlier.
Tip #4: Take distance
Believe it or not but you’re a drug addict.
At least at this moment, your brain LOOKS very similar to someone’s who is addicted to drugs.
Namely, research shows that love and drug addiction causes similar reactions in the brain.
So if you’re wondering do feelings come back?
Yes, and those butterflies in your stomach have nasty consequences:
- Just like a junkie, we always want more of the person who we’re crazy about
- And even years after the relationship with our old flame is over, we still yearn back to that walking crackpipe from before
Your brain is still looking for the next shot of love.
A shot full of the good ol’ hormones endorphin and dopamine.
Every time you think of your ex, you get a pleasant shot of hormones.
Do you see your ex? Then you get an even bigger hit.
Which we all instinctively know. That’s why people hold on to the stuff and memories of their ex. They look him/her up on the socials to have a look at “how they’re doing”.
But the truth is: you’re fooling yourself. You know damn well that this keeps the feelings for your ex alive.
A dopehead can’t get clean in a room full of ganja. Just like you can’t detox if you keep getting impulses from your ex.
Hence, take as much distance from your ex as possible.
Delete her from social media. Block her number. Chuck everything out that makes you think of her.
Cuz’ there’s a big chance that these impulses keep you from letting go of your feelings.
EXACTLY then, you need that phase of distance even more.
If you don’t take that distance, then chances are you’ll act needy and impulsively which won’t make you any more attractive.
Take as much distance as possible for a minimum of 30 days and only then reconsider.
Taking distance from your ex only knows two exceptions:
- You live together.
- You have kids.
Tip #5: Don’t be a caveman
A lot of men make a big mistake that triggers the feels for their ex to come back.
That mistake often starts pretty quickly after the relationship is stranded.
You are hurting, you are sad, angry, or frustrated…
But you keep it all to yourself. You don’t want to come across as a wimp or a whiner.
Besides, I had the feeling that I would burden others when talking about my ex and how much it hurt me.
So I kept my mouth shut and I ended up in a dark, dark place.
In this dark place, I embraced a new strategy for coping with my feelings:
The caveman strategy.
I locked myself in my mental cave and stopped talking about my feelings altogether.
Like that, I couldn’t burden anyone and would forget my ex by itself!
At least… that’s what I hoped.
The caveman strategy had a dangerously adverse effect…
The more I trapped my feelings in my mental cave, the more intense these feelings got.
So by NOT talking about it, I only confused myself more. Likewise, the nasty feelings of frustrations and loneliness engulfed me. For the very reason that I kept everything to myself.
In time this just made me feel more unhappy and misunderstood.
That’s why I want to tell you this:
Please, look for people around you and dare to express your feelings. This is an enormous relief and prevents you from walking around with unnecessary frustrations.
In addition, you’ll get more control over your own feelings by actually expressing them vocally. This frees you from being a victim of your own negative emotions.
Lots of men have problems with this. A real man supposedly doesn’t talk about his feelings.
But that, dear reader, is bullshit.
A real man acknowledges the feelings he has. He admittedly doesn’t pour them out to everyone all the time, but he does dare to talk about it.
You might not get a direct solution, but you’ll feel a lot better afterward.
Are you certain that you don’t want to get back with your ex after reading these first tips?
Head on forward to Tip #6.
Would you like to get back with your ex?
Then read Tip #8 to 10.
Read this if you don’t want to get with your ex
Have you gone through Tip #1 to 5 and certain that you don’t wanna get with your ex?
Then continue reading the next two tips with care.
Tip #6: Seek constructive distractions
Does this sounds familiar:
You want to forget your ex but can’t make it happen. Out of despair, you look for distractions.
Which helps sometimes, but it is pretty much always temporary.
When the distraction is gone, your feelings for your ex come back. You then quickly search for a new distraction that gives you brief comfort.
But the underlying negative feeling never truly goes away.
Look, it’s pretty normal that those feelings do come back. And it’s also certainly not bad to seek distractions once in a while.
But if you truly want to get rid of your feelings I’ll recommend you this:
Seek constructive distractions, not temporary distractions.
Constructive distraction is the type of distraction that helps you grow as a person.
- Working out
- Learning a new skill or language
- Traveling and meeting new people
- Finalizing an important project
- Taking an (online) course
Temporary distraction is the type of distraction that’s… well yeah… eh… temporary.
- Watching TV
- Playing videogames
- Getting drunk
- Using drugs
- Binge-watch YouTube
The reason why constructive distraction works so well is that you focus on yourself and your growth.
And this focus is crucial because the intense feelings for your ex reclaim the focus for your past love instead of on yourself.
And that causes a negative focus.
If you keep that negative focus long enough, you’ll slowly but surely spend less attention and energy on yourself.
This causes you to end up in a darker place.
But luckily, the other way around it’s a positive effect.
By investing in yourself and by growing, you’ll feel better and you’ll actually use this period of heartbreak to your advantage.
Constructive distractions motivate you and give you a feeling of meaningfulness.
That’s how you develop yourself and get rid of the feelings for your ex at the same time.
Looking for more tips about self-development? Then read this article:
Tip #7: How you get over your ex once and for all
I have good news and bad news.
The bad news is that you never get rid of your feelings if you don’t follow up on this tip.
The good news is however that you’ll make your future YOU extremely happy by applying this tip.
A no-brainer, I’d say.
But before you continue reading, realize that this tip exists for people in two different situations:
- People that are in a relationship
- Single people
Read this if you’re in a relationship now
You’re not exactly happy with the feelings for your ex. But guess who’s even less happy about them?
All attention you give your ex is lost energy for your relationship.
That’s why: (re)focus on the relationship.
Because it may be that certain problems emerged in your current relationship.
Or you and your girlfriend simply haven’t given each other enough attention.
Or the joy is gone from your relationship and you’re stuck in a never-ending rut.
Whatever the situation is: your energy will have to go back to your relationship, not your ex.
These articles will help you with that:
Read this if you’re single
Listen up, bro.
Yes, you behind that glimmering screen.
You are an attractive motherf*cker, did you know that?
It’s such a waste for all that attractive energy to go to your ex constantly because you still have feelings for her.
You’ve already made some steps to deal with those feelings in the previous tips. Hopefully, they’re already a little better than before.
But now it is time for the last and maybe most important step:
Meet other women.
Spend your time meeting other women, bro.
Not as a superficial way to purge the feelings for your ex.
But actually because it is damn shame to waste time and energy on an ex-girlfriend with who you don’t want a relationship.
I wish you a life full of nice ladies and an awesome relationship with a woman that fits you just right.
These articles help you with that:
Read this if you do want to get with your ex
Your feelings for your ex come back. After going through the first 5 tips, you arrive at the following conclusion:
I want to get back with my ex.
Read about it in the next tips.
Tip #8: Ask yourself the broken vase question
When someone asks me about getting his/her ex get, I always first ask that person the broken vase question.
The answer to this question namely determines whether you get your ex back or not.
Look, a vase with some cracks in it can usually still be fixed.
But when you hurl a vase from a driving car, ride back over the pieces and set them on fire after you poured gasoline all over…
Then there’s no point in trying. Repairing such a broken vase costs too much energy.
Picture your previous relationship like a vase and then ask yourself the question:
To what extend is my vase repairable?
Also, consider these things in the process:
- Why did we break up?
- What was my responsibility/part in that?
- Did she really match with me? (see Tip #1)
- Is there a real chance it’s ever gonna work out?
Did you split up with a terrible fight and did she block you?
Why would you then spend more energy on it?
You must be realistic about the repairability of your vase.
I see too many people wasting precious time and energy on a relationship that’s not fixable.
Only after you know you really make a chance, I’ll allow you to read the next tips.
If not, then read Tip #6 and 7 after all.
Tip #9: Restore your interaction carefully
Pay close attention, because if you rekindle the contact with your ex there are loads of pitfalls to avoid.
Maybe you still see your ex or perhaps you haven’t spoken to her in years.
Whatever it is, make sure you remember this:
Give her positive emotions.
Look, you broke up for a reason and there’s a big chance that your last moments together weren’t exactly your best ones.
It makes little sense to relive that old pain. You can talk about why things didn’t work and what went wrong at a later stage.
So what’s the first thing you do?
Make her enthusiastic about a relationship.
Remind her about your connection back then.
At the same time, make sure you’re not putting too much pressure on her.
Think along the lines of a message like this:
This is just an example of a casual message in which you also remind her about the connection you had together.
Consider what similar examples you have that make sense for your situation.
Are you still talking with her nowadays? Great! Keep your contact fun, positive, and casual.
See if you can arrange a date with her through those contact moments you’re already sharing now.
Read how to do that here:
Tip #10: Make the Barney Stinson comeback
If there’s someone who can learn you how you get back your ex, then it’s Barney Stinson.
Barney Stinson’s renown as the smooth womanizer from How I Met Your Mother:
But Barney hasn’t always been successful with the ladies.
Way back, he was a shy, unsure boy who was completely in love with a woman he used to work with.
That woman dumped him for a cocky bad-boy. This broke Barney’s heart.
But instead of finding a corner to feel sad and pitiful, Barney chose a different route:
He transformed into the badass he is now.
Years later, he runs into that one woman again who dumped him.
She’s amazed by the change that Barney went through and…
Ends up going to bed with him ;).
Big chance that you want more than just getting your ex in bed. But even if you want to restart a relationship you can learn lots from this Barney Stinson comeback:
Let her experience that you’re a different person.
- Learn from the mistakes from your previous relationship.
- Be prepared to work on the things that used to go wrong between you.
- Focus on your personal growth, develop yourself to the most attractive version of yourself.
- Re-establish contact slowly and set up epic dates.
The more she sees you’ve changed positively, the bigger chance she’ll give you another shot.
Find more tips about getting your ex back here:
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Have fun and see you next time.
Dan de Ram