Today, I’m super passionate about hitting the keys. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always passionate about writing, but today we’re going to discuss a topic that I could easily write whole books about without getting tired of it:
There are two reasons why this is so:
- I love controversial topics, and the fact that I’ll piss off a lot of people with this article gives me sexual satisfaction.
- Because I like to experiment, I’ve already tried several forms of relationships, and the form I’ve enjoyed the most is open relationships.
When I tell other people about it, they always respond:
But this is far from reality. Even if you’re allowed to have other sexual partners besides your girlfriend in an open relationship (OR), it isn’t always rosy.
In fact, this form of relationship brings dozens of challenges with it that most men aren’t ready to deal with.
Have you decided that you want to try it, or maybe you are already in an open relationship and looking for tips to make it a complete success?
In either case, you’re in the right place, because in this article you’ll learn:
- 7 Must-have tips when considering and open relationship
- Provocative (!): Why traditional relationships are commercial and sexist
- The truth: Are open relationships healthy and do open relationships really work?
- Why very few are capable of handling an open relationship successfully
- How to maintain an open relationship
- My golden mindset against jealousy: How to prevent a one sided open relationship on both sides
- How to open an originally monogamous relationship, and how floaties can help you here
- And much more tips on how to have an open relationship…
By the way, have you seen my free Transformation Kit?
You'll get my best stuff absolutely free: 12 Opening lines that actually work, my 5 best texting tips (including copy-paste lines for Tinder), and the Friendzone Houdini. Download the Transformation Kit here.
Monogamy – a myth?
Monogamy is the norm in most global cultures.
A man and a woman enter a partnership and insist on the exclusive love of the other. As soon as they believe that they certainly never want to (or can!) have another partner, they often sign a relationship contract and call it ‘marriage’…
This form of relationship is a mystery to scientists. It’s EXTREMELY rare in the animal kingdom.
They assume that humans enter partially monogamous relationships in order to benefit from a so-called symbiosis (= two beings living together for mutual benefit).
The male protects the offspring in exchange for sex.
Sounds more like commerce than love, right?
But it gets worse. Originally, monogamy was used to oppress women.
The church developed a concept in which the woman devoted herself to a man until death and was punished with hell if she ‘satisfied’ herself elsewhere.
The state seemed to like the concept of marriage, because it guaranteed a woman half of a man’s possessions if she offered him exclusive sex in exchange.
Sounds more like sexism than love, right?
I know it sounds like I despise relationships, especially marriage, but that’s not true.
I’ve had several steady relationships that I’ve enjoyed very much, and I remain open to the possibility that I might want another one in the future. Who knows?
However, I think it is not only unfair, but absolutely insane to point the finger at open relationships as if being in one were the most sacrilegious thing you could do…
When you tell others that you are in an open relationship, they often look at you as if you have a fist-sized, festering wart on your forehead.
This is because polygamy is much less socially accepted than monogamy.
I’m aware that I’ve taken all the ‘Disney magic’ out of steady relationships, but on this blog, I’m constantly striving to reflect the truth.
This blog is about what relationships are like and how we can improve them. It’s not about how we would like them to be and how we maintain that false dream.
Non-monogamous relationships = THE solution? (How do open relationships work?)
There are many forms of non-monogamous relationships. To explain them all would go beyond the scope of this article.
My intention is to give you a brief overview.
Variations to polyamory:
- Polygyny (the man has several wives)
- Polyandry (the wife has several husbands)
- Swinging (going to sex parties together)
- Open relationship/ marriage (what you’ll learn more about in this article)
I know…an open relationship sounds like a lot of fun for men, especially at first.
But it’s not for everyone.
Both forms of relationship, monogamous and non-monogamous, have their own advantages and disadvantages.
I know many people who are unhappy in their monogamous relationship, and I know people who are unhappy in their open relationship. One is no better than the other.
If you are experiencing stress in your relationship, feel free to check out this article I’ve written for you to bring it back on a harmonic path:
How to be in an open relationship? 7 tips to get it and keep it
To help you on your way to a fulfilling open relationship, I have 7 tips for you to enjoy the advantages and minimize the disadvantages.
Are you ready?
Tip #1: Do a security check
Every damn time I travel by plane, I get pulled over for an explosive test.
It’s probably because my wannabe Tony Robbins beard looks too dangerous. <3
But that’s not the issue now. What I want to point out is that you get checked out thoroughly before you fly.
Only when you qualify as a suitable passenger from the point of view of the airport staff can you be welcomed on board.
I hate to tell you this, but not every woman finds open relationships appealing. There are even many who wouldn’t enter one with you even if you were the most desirable Hollywood star.
For this reason, it makes sense to screen her to find out if she’s suitable for this purpose at all.
Is the woman you’re currently on a date with rather conservative and narrow-minded?
Hmm… then she’s probably not the best woman for an open relationship.
To filter out these women, I like to talk very openly about sex on the first date and give a lighthearted hate speech about social conventions.
It’s not important that the woman agrees with me. What interests me most is her reaction to it.
How cool and open does she seem?
Don’t try to convince a woman who can’t even open up a bit to the idea. It’s a waste of time…
If you want to know how you verbalize your expectations authentically and communicate them properly, check out this article I’ve written for you:
Tip #2: Be Snoop Dogg
It’s much easier to turn an open relationship into a monogamous one than vice versa.
I’ve also ‘opened’ a relationship after one year, and I’ll share with you later how I approached the matter, but, for now, let me tell you:
It’s risky and complicated.
The best thing is to make it clear from the first moment that you’re only available – if at all – for something open.
You don’t necessarily have to verbalize that explicitly. She’ll be able to tell from your behavior.
Think of it this way: When a woman meets Snoop Dogg, she will hardly expect him to make her his sole queen and marry her.
No, she knows he’s a player because he acts like one.
Could he one day say:
Yes, he could… And the chance that it will work and that his partner will then also want to make the relationship monogamous is relatively high.
But what if the perfect son-in-law organizes a candlelight dinner with a woman he’s already met five times without sleeping with and then says, ‘By the way, I’m only available for open stories.’
That would come as a shock, and the chance is low that the woman will take this news positively.
So, to prevent this it’s better for you to be as authentic towards women as you can be from the get-go. To help you with this I’ve written this guide for you:
Tip #3: Be resolute
Be prepared: In the beginning, women often try their best to convince you to have a monogamous relationship with them.
Often, they even see it as a fun challenge…
So, they hope for a kind of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ story: They finally manage to change the man… He throws all his disgusting sexual needs aside for her and loves her until death does them part…
Life isn’t a fu**ing movie.
If you let this happen, there are only these two outcomes:
- You’re hurting her deeply because she was getting her hopes up.
- You enter a monogamous relationship with her, even though you don’t really want to.
Both are suboptimal and can be avoided in advance.
By being 100% behind your position.
Avoid sentences like ‘let’s see what happens.’ Don’t give her the feeling that you might change your mind in the near future.
For example, I always say something like:
The important thing here is that you say it as passionately as possible. If you do that and are 100% resolute, what you have with each other can slide very smoothly toward ‘Open Relationship City’.
Tip #4: Make a relationship contract
You both decide to enter an open relationship.
Perfect. You’re together, but you still have the freedom to do what you feel like doing.
But what actions are prohibited? Are you allowed to have any form of sex? And what about contraception? Or emotional connections to other women—is this out of the question, or is it okay? And what if a person from your circle of friends gets involved somehow?
There are a lot of things you should clarify BEFORE, if you don’t want unpleasant surprises.
For this reason, you should make some kind of contract.
Sit down together, and think about how you want this relationship to work. What is acceptable and what isn’t? A pen and a piece of paper are acceptable. The important thing is that you agree at the end.
Here are a few of the rules I agreed to in my last open relationship:
- No sex with others in our own beds
- Everything is allowed abroad
- Discretion (I don’t want to know what exactly another man is doing with my queen; disgusting!)
- Monthly talks to evaluate the rules. Do we still agree on them?
Fixed rules make many things easier and prevent you from hurting each other.
If you want to make sure that she doesn’t lose attraction for you while you have these rules within your relationship, check out my Transformation Kit.
Tip #5: The biggest challenge and how to master it
There’s an emotion that will come up and bite you in the ass:
And damn it, it’s an unpleasant emotion…
I’ve never been the jealous type, and I never thought that I would be able to feel this emotion…
But when I found out that another man had made the woman I loved squirt, which I had never been able to do before, even my steely heart bled briefly. </3
Fortunately, I got over it by using the techniques you’ll learn in this article.
If you enter an open relationship but can’t handle it when your girlfriend sleeps with someone else, then I seriously wonder what you expected.
You aren’t the only person in the picture.
If the value of your relationship decreases when your girlfriend ‘cheats’, then an open relationship is simply not for you!
What really helps at this point is a good dose of narcissism.
I constantly assure myself in relationships (and also in single life) that I’m the best man for every woman and that no one else can give her what I have to offer.
And if she does find someone else, hey, you love her, don’t you? If you really love someone, you want them to be happy. Another can make her happier? Great! Then let her try her luck with him.
Many people think my attitude is a bit extreme, but that’s how I really see it.
And I’m convinced of it. This mindset is pure gold when it comes to avoiding jealousy in relationships.
Well, this is surprisingly simple, yet very few people do it. If the partner shows intense jealousy, most men start to argue…
But it won’t help either of you.
Instead of telling her she doesn’t need to be jealous, you should look closely:
Does the jealous person get too little in your relationship?
Then give her more.
Fill the love tank between you and make sure that she desires you again and feels like your queen.
If the jealousy doesn’t subside because of this, then you can remind her of your agreements.
By the way: if you catch yourself struggling with jealousy in your relationship, check out this article to tame the so-called green eyed monster (again):
Tip #6: Others won’t understand
When you’re in an open relationship, it can feel like the whole world is against you.
Classic comments are:
- “I could never share my partner.”
- “If you really love each other, you don’t need other women.”
- “I think you just don’t love each other enough.”
At least from your family, you’d think you could expect a “Hey, if it makes you happy, it must be the right thing”... but the reality is different.
They don’t get it.
It’s almost impossible to understand open relationships if you’ve never had one yourself.
Outsiders can’t understand the advantages of such a partnership.
Instead of recognizing the freedom and the self-confidence that comes with it, which strengthens your love for each other, they think you’re a selfish bastard who has no problems hurting his girlfriend…
My advice to you is this: don’t even try to explain it to them.
You can’t teach a stone to swim.
Be aware that they’re judging from the perspective of their own limited experience and, therefore, have no idea what they’re talking about.
You’re better off making your own decisions and seeking advice from people who actually understand your situation.
Tip #7: How to open a monogamous relationship
As mentioned earlier, it’s easier to close an open relationship than to open a ‘closed’ one.
I don’t know you, and I don’t know what your current love life is like.
However, if you’re in a monogamous relationship with a woman you love tremendously, but you constantly feel that you can’t keep her that way, then I have good news for you, bro.
First of all, I know how complicated this situation is… You’re torn and you can’t make a decision. But, as you know from reading this article, you can have both.
Secondly, I’ve developed a foolproof system for this.
The only catch with this system is that it costs time and investment.
The fact is that you can’t just say to your girlfriend:
No, it doesn’t work that way…
A good way to suggest an open relationship is the following:
However, if you talk to your partner like this, then there’s a good chance that you’re only talking about what YOU get from an open relationship.
That won’t convince her. Instead, it’ll make her think you’re doing it just for yourself.
My advice to you is to focus on her.
Ask her in a curious way if she ever looks around for other men. Emphasize that she has the freedom to enjoy the attention of other men without losing you.
You should both benefit from the opening of your relationship.
Don’t jump into the water without floaties!
What do I mean by that?
Think about how you learned to swim.
First, you got used to the water with floaties. Then, you didn’t swim far without them – three meters at the most. Only little by little did you acquire the swimming skills you have today.
You can do the same with your partner if you, she or neither of you have never had an open relationship.
You can’t do a double somersault with a screw into a deep lake if you can’t swim yet.
The solution: Set up a trial phase.
After you both are ready and have talked through the agreements, it’s time to try. Talk about how long this phase should be, and then sit down together to evaluate.
I even went so far that I told my girlfriend back then:
Yes, it’s a bit risky, but there’s no better way to show that you not only want to open up the relationship for selfish reasons but also so that she’ll benefit.
Do open relationships work long-term? The secret to any functioning OR
As you can see, a non-monogamous partnership requires a high level of social skills, empathy and self-confidence.
You have to stay strong with both feet in your love life to make it a guaranteed success.
If a woman is going to share you, it’s better for you to be the best man you can be. When an average dude starts talking about other chicas bonitas, a woman sees no added value behind an open relationship.
However, if she knows that she’s with a man she won’t meet again so quickly and, on top of that, she can enjoy certain freedom, she’ll be more likely to be pleased with the arrangement.
As for that, I have something to help you with that.
To get you to the level of an attractive man women stand in line for.
Think of it as the beginning of an epic adventure.
Be water my friend,
Dan de Ram