3 Tips How to Use Fear of Rejection to Get the Women You Want

Asking how to seduce women without getting a single rejection is like asking:

“How do I become buff without exercising?”

“How can I lose weight without changing my lifestyle?”

“How can I get rich without doing anything?”

IT’S IMPOSSIBLE. You can’t do one without the other.

“Great – now what, Dan? I don’t want to be rejected!”

Yeah, who wants that? But it’s impossible (and shouldn’t be your goal) to never make a mistake. I mean, Messi and Ronaldo also miss penalties from time to time…

So, let’s focus on how you can make rejections your bitch.

In this article you’ll learn…

  • How to conquer your fear of rejection
  • Adrenalin rush on Tenerife: My overwhelming experience at a Tony Robbins’ coaching event
  • Shaky knees just from the idea of approaching a woman? Practical tips I gave men in Barcelona who were plagued by fear
  • Rejection = wrong pants? My extraordinary pants theory about rejection
  • The 10% rule to approach women like a boss
  • The unexpected reasons why she rejected you
  • More insights to relieve you of your fear of rejection…

By the way, have you seen my free Transformation Kit?

You'll get my best stuff absolutely free: 12 Opening lines that actually work, my 5 best texting tips (including copy-paste lines for Tinder), and the Friendzone Houdini. Download the Transformation Kit here.

I got a text from a woman today. We’ve only slept together twice so far, but – no joke – it was the best sex of my life.

I didn’t want to admit it to her directly, but then she said it herself when we were lying in bed next to each other: it had also been the hottest sex she had ever had in her life.

This week, I tried to call her to invite her for a walk around the Christmas market.

It’s been a long time since as I’ve been as interested in a woman as I was in her. The sex was phenomenal, and I was curious if the next time would be just as great.

Contrary to my expectations, I received the following message today: She’s now meeting other men and doesn’t want to continue dating me. She ended her text with a ridiculous ‘Sorry’.

Now I just get pushed aside like nothing ever happened between us?

‘Fuck. That hurts…’

… Is what I would be writing now, if I hadn’t learned early on how to get over rejection.

Yeah, I get rejected sometimes.

My smart shirts, my practiced charm, my big Bambi eyes, even my years of work helping men become more successful with women – none of this seems to have helped…

I still get rejected sometimes.

I would like to go even further:

It’s highly likely that I get rejected by women more often than 99.99% of all other men.

Sorry if your worldview’s collapsing right now.

I completely understand if you are now thinking:

“Yes, but Dan, how can you give me advice on how to seduce women when you yourself are constantly getting rejected?”


First, I want to ask you a question:

What ‘story’ do you tell yourself when a woman rejects you?

“This just always happens to me!”

“Women just don’t find me attractive!”

“No woman to whom I reveal my feelings ever returns them.”

I won’t get overly spiritual with you right now, but try to keep your inner peace like a Shaolin monk when your next rejection occurs.

Focus for a moment on your breath, and perceive what is going on inside you.

  • Do you suddenly feel the need to distract yourself?
  • Do you get negative thoughts?

Focus on your body. What do you feel? Don’t suppress your feelings. Feel them, breathe through them and see them lose strength.

The ‘shitstorm in your head’ gradually becomes calmer.

And to be realistic:

The only people on Earth who are never rejected are shut-off hermits.

I’m sure you have no intention of becoming one…

Overcoming fears with the coaching of Tony Robbins

A few summers ago, I was in Tenerife for a training session with Tony Robbins, a successful personal development coach in a class of his own.

During the training, I was challenged, along with other participants, to overcome my huge fear of heights.

As soon as this challenge was announced, all of my joy regarding the seminar and, with it, my whole mood went south.

My fear of heights is simply gigantic. My hands get sweaty just thinking about heights…

The training supervisor gave us the following instructions:

  1. Climb the steps of the 26-foot-high pile.
  2. After you have reached the top, climb onto the 16-foot-square platform.
  3. Jump from the platform onto the trapeze in front of you.

It may not sound like a big deal to you, but I became extremely nervous.

Yes, of course, I was ‘fused’ and nothing could go wrong, but my fear didn’t give a damn…

So, I let 95% of the people go ahead because I was already so dizzy with fear. Everything was spinning.

Unfortunately, there is no video of me. But this video is from the same event:

The difference with me was that the stake had an even smaller platform to stand on…

As others climbed up the pole, I was able to watch closely and discover what was probably the biggest hurdle of the challenge for everyone: The last step from the pole to the platform.

One boy with beige trousers was stuck halfway on the platform for 30 minutes because he couldn’t overcome himself to climb up the platform entirely.

Whenever he tried to take the last step, fear overcame him and he became helplessly paralyzed.

I made a plan: When I took that last step, I didn’t want to drift off in fear. ‘The last step to the platform and the jump onto the trapeze, I just do like a brainless zombie – in one movement!’

With a beating heart, I went straight to the big stake.

I climbed right up. ‘That’s easy,” I thought to myself, reached the platform, and knew that there was no room for any thoughts there.

I climbed onto the platform.

I was now standing upstairs and could literally feel adrenaline pumping through my body.

The angle at which I had to jump off in order to get onto the platform wasn’t easy. In retrospect, I have no idea how I managed it either. It all happened in one movement.

I focused briefly on the trapeze in front of me, leaned forward, and jumped…

I had done it. My hands actually closed around the trapeze.

And I was damn proud of myself.

How you should NEVER approach women

This January, I was in Barcelona for our Kick-Off Bootcamp.

Together with my bootcamp student, I approached women in the club Opium.

This is one of those not uncommon clubs where female models almost never have to pay.

Every day, dozens of dressed-up ladies arrive around seven o’clock in the evening for the doors of the club to open. All models can drink there for free as long as they have been invited by a promoter.

They don’t pay a penny for the rest of their evening either: Men from the VIP areas give them all the drinks they want.

These clubs have extremely unfavorable conditions when it comes to attracting women – especially if you can’t get into the VIP area…

“VIP area? Dan, is that really necessary?”

The annoying thing is that 90% of the beautiful models are in the VIP area. Meanwhile, there is a wiener party on the dance floor, because 80% of the ‘guests’ are men.

My bootcamp students and I didn’t let this stop us. We took care of the remaining 20%.

Pro tip:

Flirting with the ‘VIP women’ from a distance is awesome! Very often, the distance between you and the woman from the VIP lounge is very small.

Get her attention by imitating/dancing super stupid, pointing at her and pretending to yawn (as if she’s dying of boredom and you’re having the time of your life).

Maintain eye contact with her, and wave her over. If she prefers to talk to you in the VIP area later, she can easily convince the doorman to let you in.

One of my two students was named Ben: A well-groomed guy in his early 30s, an academic, entrepreneur, and a true personal development junkie.

At first glance, he seems to be a man who can stand his ground and who could appear attractive to women – at least objectively.

But, after a short time, I noticed a peculiarity that crept into Ben when he was in the presence of women: He turned into ‘Mr. Perfect Son-in-Law’.

His behavior was very unattractive to women and not at all sex-worthy.

At the beginning of the evening, Ben did something that almost every man I see does – a rookie mistake stemming from the fear of rejection…

When I chose a woman for Ben to approach, he didn’t approach her directly.

Instead, he did this:

  1. He turned his head toward the woman to secretly check her out from the corner of his eye.
  2. Then, he directed his whole body toward her and studied the situation for 3 – 30 seconds.
  3. Finally, he walked toward her.
  4. As he made his way to her, he extended his attention to others uninvolved in the situation à people strolling through the club.
  5. When he arrived at the group she was in, he made a half-turn around the group to find a kind of perfect ‘angle to approach’.
  6. Arriving there, he hesitated for a moment and then tapped her shoulder carefully.

I knew exactly what he was thinking while he was making his step-by-step plan:

“Who’s she here with? How pretty is she? Does she like it here? What do I talk to her about? What shall I say afterward? What will she say? How will I answer it? Will she reject me? Do I look good enough?”

Of course, now that he had so many thoughts, he no longer approached her spontaneously and he lacked self-conviction.

How could he get past the ‘thought orchestra’ roaring in his head?

Quite simply: By not hesitating and approaching her directly!

>> These 7 Tips Saved Me from Awkwardness on the First Meeting

The secret key to spontaneity and fewer rejections

Do you see the parallels between my bootcamp student and the boy with the beige pants in Tenerife?

In both cases, the fear spread faster than they could act. They even let their fear have complete control of their actions.

Dare to take action; you’re safe. Climb up the last step and jump immediately.

Similiar: After spotting her, walk up to women immediately and talk to her. Afterward, you’ll feel ALIVE LIKE NEVER BEFORE!

After approaching more than 10,000 women in the most diverse scenarios, I’ve never been punched – despite the fact that I sometimes talk about the weirdest topics.

Being afraid of rejection can make you freeze if you don’t know how to deal with it. It comes from the fear of failure…

It’s the same paralyzing feeling as the boy in Tenerife who didn’t make it onto the platform.

Smart men are more likely to suffer from this fear because they tend to think more than others.

To elaborate on this point, I’ll share a powerful trick with you.

I call this the 10% rule:

Every second you wait to approach a woman, you become 10% less attractive.

So, if I point out a woman for my bootcamp students and they wait longer than 10 seconds, they don’t even have to try.

Their attractiveness has dropped to 0%, and it’s hardly possible for them to act spontaneously.

Research and science back me up on this one.


You see a beautiful woman?

Go for it!

It’s a race against fear.

>> 5 Steps to Quickly Overcome Your Fear of Women

Make sure that you don’t let your negative thoughts and excuses paralyze you.

That also means:

  • That you interrupt the conversation between her and her friend
  • That you push aside people who are in your way (in a friendly manner) to get to her faster
  • That you go through her group of friends to talk to her directly
  • That you maintain direct eye contact with her while you talk to her. You’re in your own world; everything else interests you exactly 0.0%

Don’t wait for the perfect moment. Talk to her. Trust your spontaneity. She can do 99% of the interaction. With the remaining 1%, you can still put a smile on her face by using one of these pick-up lines:

>> 47 Icebreakers To Smoothly Start Conversations with Any Girl

Advanced tips to overcome fear of rejection

Day 4 in Barcelona. We were on the road during the day – at a spot that was teeming with people.

Focus of the day: How to become a more attractive man by using your voice properly.

The intonation of your voice is one of the 3 main pillars that ensure that a woman is literally hanging on your lips and is eager to stay in conversation with you.

Unfortunately, I can’t teach you the lessons that will change your intonation from ‘ordinary’ to ‘brilliant’ through a written text. What we worked on is creating a more masculine tone.

Ben suffered from something called ‘Nice Guy Syndrome’. As a Nice Guy, you behave far too kindly to others for the wrong reasons. At first, when Ben suddenly displayed a much more masculine intonation, it sounded very artificial and inauthentic.

Because he tried out new things, he was rejected more often. Ben was frustrated because the day before he had gotten two numbers and had an instant date with a model and her friend.

When I took a closer look at what Ben was doing while approaching women, I realized something:

If you seduce women correctly, any rejection is just like a pair of pants that don’t fit you properly.

“What are you talking about, Dan?”

Let me explain it to you.

Suppose you need new pants. You take a bunch of pants into the locker room and try them on. Now, you go out of the locker room to get the professional opinion of the salesgirl. The salesgirl looks at your new look and says, ‘Haha, that doesn’t fit you at all.’ She’s not looking for new pants for you either.

Okay, what kind of fucking service is this?

But do you really care?


The salesgirl’s remark refers to something YOU are trying on. So, her opinion doesn’t interest you at all; the pants must fit you according to YOUR feeling.

I’d like to go back to my line from before: ‘If you seduce women correctly, any rejection is just like wearing pants that don’t fit you right.’ What I mean is, you’re always trying on new pants.

Some men squeeze themselves into the same trousers a thousand times and expect them to fit like a glove at some point.

A smart man does things differently. He finds the right pants. He doesn’t let wrong trouser sizes stop him, because he knows that he’ll find one or the other that is perfectly comfortable for him.

Does it bother you that you also have to try on many unsuitable pants while searching for the right ones?

It’s the same with seducing women: You’re afraid of being rejected by the thing you’re trying out…

This is also the reason why you should never take feedback personally, whether it’s from the salesperson or a woman you have just spoken to.

The secret is:

Laugh at your failed attempt, and continue looking for the right model.

Once you reach a point where you’re completely frustrated by your rejections, I have good news for you:

  • I allow you to be angry with your rejection
  • I allow you to hate rejection
  • You want to bang your head against the wall? I’ll allow you to do that as well – at least, it’s not forbidden in most clubs…

But, after you blow off your steam, stick to these 2 simple rules:

  • Rule #1: Smile
  • Rule #2: Keep going

Think of every woman you approach as a saleswoman giving you feedback.

When you meet a new woman, do it with the following mentality: ‘I’m trying something new here,’ or ‘I’m checking to see if we’re compatible’.

The paradox: Sometimes she gives you feedback about your trousers – you may not yet be wearing the right model or size – and sometimes the woman is the pants themselves and simply doesn’t fit you.

What the hell am I talking about?

Watch it.

There are two things that lead to a rejection:

  • You’re wearing the wrong size pants: The way you tried to seduce her wasn’t quite right. You’re not acting like an attractive, sexy man. Maybe you tried too hard or your posture or intonation wasn’t strong enough. You got a rebuff for your pants, aka, your unattractive behavior toward her. You’re still walking around in the wrong size. It’s nothing personal. You’re still growing into your pants.
  • She just wasn’t the right pants for you: The color and the model looked great, but she doesn’t ‘fit’ you. You behaved very attractive and sex worthy toward her, but she just doesn’t fit you because of her personality or values or because of her current personal situation. Remember that pants can look beautiful, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are right for you.

And, by the way, rejection number 10 doesn’t feel any worse than rejection number 3.

Talk to your friends, order a drink, dance, and do whatever you like…

…then start moving your feet again toward a new woman.

You can still feel horrible; that’s fine.

Your brain can only process a certain amount of negativity. One rejection will make you feel bad, two might make you feel even worse. The difference between rejection number 3 and rejection number 10 is even smaller.

After a certain period, the number of rejections becomes emotionally irrelevant to your brain. If you then simply continue, a powerful mechanism is activated:

You forget the rejections.

When you’re rejected by a woman, you can still remember it the next day. After 30 women, your brain starts to struggle to remember each of them distinctly.

The next morning, you may only remember one or two rejections.

The only thing you really need to learn is to continue after these first two rejections. Then, they’ll have less and less influence on your behavior.

The more often you encounter a rejection, the more your fear of it disappears.

You reach a point where your head thinks:

“I’ve seen this shit so many times, I’m not going to get mad about it anymore”

It becomes routine, just like brushing your teeth. Are you still excited about brushing your teeth? At least for me, it’s not a big deal anymore. I do it intuitively.

For me, it’s the same when it comes to approaching women. That is why I’m successful.

If you don’t want to put up with the ‘stress’, you shouldn’t be surprised if you can’t get to the front of your hamster wheel, bro.

But if you dare, a whole new world will open up for you.

A world where you have control over your life.

Every time you get a rejection and just keep going anyway, you grow as a human being. You learn to trust yourself and get what you want.

Apart from that, there are also some reasons why she might have rejected you that aren’t even related to you:

  • She had a bad childhood and is generally negative
  • She’s insecure
  • She’s a border-liner: Mentally unstable, which leads to negative and paradoxical interpersonal behavior
  • Today is just not her day
  • She’s just been approached by a man creepily
  • She’s in a relationship, and she’s out with her boyfriend
  • She’s shy
  • She’s very busy and doesn’t want to be disturbed
  • She’s emotionally traumatized
  • She’s seriously ill and in pain
  • She’s depressed
  • She’s involved in other ‘drama’ and has no time for something new
  • She has problems with men
  • She’s a lesbian

As you can see, none of these things have anything to do with you.

The funny thing is that after a few minutes, hours, or weeks, the next time you meet, the chemistry may suddenly be right between you.

Women don’t always wear the same trousers size…

So, go quickly to the woman you want to speak to. Act faster than your fear. And if she doesn’t like you, take her feedback and work with it.

Who knows, maybe it was the pants you wore or maybe the new pants just didn’t fit you…

… and if the new one fits you, it may end up lying on the floor of your bedroom that same night.

You got this!

PS: Don’t forget your free download below.

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Your bro,
Dan de Ram

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and painful rejections

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