In this article I’ll teach you exactly how to reach a charisma level that captivates people.
You’ll find out:
- How to have charisma: Why the first impression is an illusion and how you gain maximum charismatic power
- Why you can be too perfect and how it can damage your charisma
- How to make a charismatic impression on a certain person and prevent being reborn as a rat
- How I ruined a date by making a huge mistake even though I was interesting
- What you can learn about charisma from the dog trainer Cesar Millan
- The important difference between NICE and CHARISMATIC
- And much more tips on how to develop your personality…
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If you have a charismatic personality, you immediately become the center of attention in a group. You draw all the attention to yourself. People are attracted to your charisma and you’re appreciated by many.
This Rockstar effect can be seen in many celebrities. Look at Barack Obama, Robert Downey Jr. or Johnny Depp, for example.
What is the charismatic secret of these men that attract women?
It often seems as if women are looking for nice, warm and sweet men.
But if you take a closer look at those of whom they actually rave about or with whom they’re together, it seems that they rather like bad boys and assholes…
No wonder so many guys are confused and don’t know how to act around women.
There is an authentic way for you to maximize your attraction to women and make friends without being an ass.
Before we begin: I’ll use terms like charisma, a good first impression and attraction. Just pretend that they’re one and the same.
Let’s start with an important lesson you should keep in mind…
Tip #1: Charisma is a matter of taste
There are women out there who adore Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp. That cute brunette I went out with the other night doesn’t like those two at all.
That cute brunette finds me extremely attractive. There are women who can do absolutely nothing with me.
So, you see: Whether you’re charismatic or not is a subjective opinion.
Even among men, opinions can sometimes differ greatly. I have a buddy who has a girlfriend I wouldn’t even touch with pliers. But when I ask him what he sees in her, he says, “She just has something.”
Apparently, she’s attractive to him in a certain way. He finds her delightful and attractive… a matter of taste.
But what is this vague something that some have multiplied, and others have little or no?
That, my friend, is what we will decode today.
Tip #2: The illusion of the first impression
When men see our coaches or other charismatic people, they often think that this has always been the case.
It takes time and patience to achieve a high level of charisma.
And the good thing is, you have this time.
Most people believe that they have lost forever with a person if they have made a bad first impression.
In the long run, it doesn’t matter if you had a charismatic effect on the first contact or not.
It’s even more impressive when you haven’t seen a person for two years and they’re suddenly cooler and more charming.
So, you don’t have to go from zero to 100 overnight.
It’s even a bad idea to try to force a perfect first impression.
Give other people time to find out how charismatic you really are.
Tip #3: Be vulnerable and flawed
Many think that you have to be perfect in front of women.
This thought is not surprising. If you turn on the TV, you can see James Bond, who always has the right line with a masterful body language and seduces the most beautiful women.
But if James Bond existed in the real world, women would think, “What kind of arrogant ass is that?”
Because nobody likes perfect people.
Vulnerability and clumsiness are likeable characteristics.
I once had a coaching student who was too perfect. Because he spoke so perfectly to women, he came across as a robot, or even a psychopath.
If you don’t have even a nanogram of nervousness in you when you approach a woman, you seem inauthentic.
I have had the same experience.
I had stuttering problems once. When I was very nervous – which was especially the case in front of beautiful women – I couldn’t utter a single word without a little “Hamana hamana” coming out of my mouth.
I just kept saying:
That worked so well that I almost miss my stuttering today.
What’s that I hear? You would like another example? No problem, I could write whole books on this subject.
I have a buddy who’s very successful with women. I don’t even want to reveal how many women he has slept with, because you probably wouldn’t believe it anyway and there is a good chance that your mother is involved.
Anyway, he’s fucking clumsy. You could say he’s a miracle of coordination…
He constantly stumbles in the funniest way; almost like in a cartoon.
When women laugh at his clumsiness, he confidently says “That’s my move!” and you can immediately see how the women’s eyes light up. From there it’s damn easy for him to get into a conversation.
Tip #4: What is the meaning of charisma? THIS!
Being charismatic has nothing to do with having “swag”, wearing cool clothes and being in love with your reflection.
Charisma is an expression of how you live.
- Positive thinking
- Believing oneself to be valuable
- Feel good in any environment
- Moving slowly
- Speak slowly and deliberately
All these are characteristics of charismatic people.
Next time you’re in a club, look out for other men.
They do what is known in psychology as “overcompensation”, that is, they try to cover up their inferiority complexes.
(Women do that too, by the way.)
- They’re constantly looking for women.
- They drink too much.
- They reply too quickly.
- They laugh at their own jokes, even though they aren’t funny at all.
- They lean forward too much when they talk to a woman.
You can immediately recognize their low level of charisma by their body language.
The simplest hack to be more attractive is to move slowly and make yourself big.
Charismatic men walk upright with their heads held high. They take up a lot of space and don’t hide, which makes it impossible to overlook them. They move slowly and in a controlled manner, exuding unwavering calm.
This is not something you can learn immediately. It’ll take you at least two months to master it, but once you do, you’ll notice the difference clearly.
Are you an anxious bunny who overcompensates, avoids challenges and prefers to play “The Sims” in the basement?
Then you exude that.
Are you a man of action? Do you accept challenges with thanks and focus?
Then you exude that.
Improve your life and give your charisma a fat boost.
Tip #5: Be valuable
Now that we know that charisma is a subjective expression of your life, we come to the next point that lets your positive impact on other people shoot through the ceiling:
There’s a lot of value takers out there. They expect things from others and don’t spread a positive mood because they’re too busy with themselves.
Become a value giver instead.
- How can I help others?
- In what ways do I bring value into the lives of others
- Can I do something most people can’t?
- Do I have something that others don’t?
The more value you have to offer others, the more they appreciate you. Let the word “appreciate” melt in your mouth.
“I appreciate you.” = “I see that you’re of great value and I cherish it truly.”
Your ultimate goal should be to give more than you take. Sounds a little woo-woo and reminds one of the concept of karma, I know.
Don’t worry, you won’t be reborn a rat if you don’t bring value (as far as I can tell), but it’s a natural consequence that others will want you around if you give more than you take.
- Be the one who goes out with your buddy when he’s heartbroken.
- Be the person who helps with the move.
- Take people hitchhiking in your car.
- Be the wingman that keeps the corpulent girlfriend busy so your buddy has a free ride on his chica (I do it all the time haha).
- Be the man to compliment your colleague on how good-looking she’s today.
Little things have a big impact: They make you more charismatic in the eyes of those who have been given value by you. You’re valued by them.
We do these things for others, of course, but mainly FOR OURSELVES. Doing good for others makes us feel good with ourselves.
When you feel comfortable in your own skin, you exude this, and your charisma level rises (to “over 9.000” – Vegeta).
Tip #6: The suck-up trap
Since I have just introduced the “Give value” concept, I’m afraid that some readers might misunderstand this. Therefore, I must add:
Charisma has nothing to do with kindness.
In fact, I regularly receive emails from men who are told by women that they’re TOO NICE.
Gary Vaynerchuck, one of today’s most popular entrepreneurs, is known for being brutally honest and unfiltered in his words.
In this speech, he calls his viewers a loser and the uploader of the video still chose the title “This guy is a savage, tells it like it is”.
Although Gary seldom has a kind word leftover, this doesn’t seem to affect his popularity negatively. On the contrary: People respect and appreciate him for it.
Always keep in mind that it’s better to be honest than to be nice.
- Kindness makes people like you. Cool. But not what you want in women.
- Honesty leads to trust. Trust can lead to respect or even love.
Tip #7: Passionate and interested
As already mentioned, most people are focused on themselves. Even though I celebrate people pursuing their goals and dreams, I must emphasize how much you repulse others when your focus is on yourself alone.
People prefer to talk about themselves. It’s good and important that you open up and show your personality.
But if you can find the golden balance between:
- Being genuinely interested in others
- Speaking passionately about yourself
… This can hurt your attraction so much that it goes towards zero like the graph f(x)=1/x.
A long time ago I went on a date once where I couldn’t get that balance right. Although I told very interesting things about myself and underlined my words with a lot of passion, I didn’t go into them enough.
The date was going nowhere.
What I always like to do in such cases is to ask the woman for feedback.
Often the vulnerability you show through this can still arouse their interest, but the real purpose is to learn from their usually very constructive criticism.
My date told me that she had the feeling that we shared a different sense of humor and felt like I only talked about myself without showing genuine interest towards her.
As you can see, it’s very unpleasant if you only talk about yourself, no matter how interestingly packaged what you say is.
That reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:
A wonderful realization…
ONLY being interested in others doesn’t work either. If you don’t reveal anything about yourself, you’re still a NOBODY.
Neither of these extremes will help you make a charismatic impression, so the golden balance is essential.
Tip #8: Calm certainty
I learned that charisma hack from Cesar Millan… The dog trainer.
A buddy of mine got a puppy a few years ago. Cutest little beauty of a doggo I ever saw.
Even my heart of steel began to bleed when that little thing looked at me with its big bamboo eyes…
We watched Cesar’s documentary about raising dogs. I was impressed by the way he was able to silence them in seconds when they barked.
That was probably because I was a kind of gym teacher for children at the time and had problems getting the little monsters to obey.
Cesar Millan calls his method “calm determination” and it looks like this:
He’s very commanding. But not in an annoyed or even aggressive way. He remains completely calm inside while he gives orders.
I decided to try this dog training trick on the children. And it worked like clockwork as long as I felt that inner peace inside me.
As soon as I was annoyed, my words were ignored again. I was fascinated…
Is it morally reprehensible that I used dog tricks on children? Not at all!
Because the kids loved me for it.
At first, I worried that they would like me less because of my determination, because they annoyed me less.
Of course, I was aware that they had more respect for me, but I didn’t know if it was of a positive sort.
My courses were attended more and more until they were all overcrowded. Parents complimented me on a job well done.
One mother even told me that her shy child is much braver, because he says:
Does calm certainty only work with dogs and children?
No, even with adults you can make a charismatic impression.
Let’s look at a scenario with two different approaches:
Let’s say you’re in a bar and in a conversation with a woman who is a solid 12 on a superficial scale of 1 to 10. You’re welcome to imagine her now, but only if you don’t lose focus.
You get along so well with each other that it feels like you’ve known each other for years.
If only there wasn’t this one problem: Her annoying best friend.
She constantly disturbs you in between and especially when the tension between you and your 12/10 is particularly high.
This is the starting point of our imaginary scenario.
Approach 1: You’re annoyed and ask with a grumpy undertone, “Is she always like this?”
Approach 2: You may be slightly annoyed, but you stay calm and relaxed and ask with a charming smile: “Is she always like that?
Prize question for you: Which of these two approaches will leave a more charismatic impression on you señorita?
Approach 2 makes you look much stronger. By staying calm in situations like these, you demonstrate that you can handle them and your value increases immensely.
Your 12/10 will respect your tranquility, which will dramatically increase your chances of having a good time together.
Tip #9: Work on your confidence
In my opinion, the greatest charisma factor is SELF-CONFIDENCE.
If you don’t dare to show your charismatic side, how the hell are you supposed to be perceived as charismatic?
I see again and again in the coaching sessions how much you can strengthen your self-confidence with the RIGHT approach.
If you want to know more about it, read this article:
Let’s finish this article with a loving brofist.
Ready? Three, two, one…
Dan de Ram