Do you have little self-confidence?
Is it usual for you to see your bad sides than your qualities?
Are you struggling to love yourself?
Seek no further, my friend.
In this article, you will find:
- 10 tips for developing and increasing self-love!
- An effective self-love exercise to overcome negative thoughts.
- The 3 best books on how to love yourself.
- What you can learn from Santa Claus and babies.
- And many more insights about self-love …
By the way, have you seen my free Transformation Kit?
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Read the tips carefully and apply them as soon as possible after reading.
You will immediately feel more energetic, happier and positive.
Let’s get started right away!
Check out this article to uplift yourself,
>> Obsessive Oneitis – How to Cure Yourself in 5 Steps.
What is self-love and how does one develop it?
If “self-criticism” was an Olympic sport, many people would be wearing gold medals around their necks.
We’re good at wasting our strength to take ourselves down.
After doing this for some time, we will build an unhealthy form of self-criticism that weakens us instead of empowering us.
And that is, to state the very least, something of a shame.
Because life becomes much more fun and relaxed when you learn to cultivate self-love.
Unfortunately, many people associate this term with all kinds of vague self-love quotes that they see on the internet:
Hmm… it certainly sounds happy and stuff. But how does this new-age-hippie shit help you?
It takes more than self-affirmation to experience true self-love.
And what is the real meaning of self-love anyway?
Self-love means learning to love yourself.
And no, I’m not talking about masturbation or making out with yourself in the mirror.
Many people confuse “self-love” with an enormous ego. But that’s not what healthy self-love is by any means.
People with oversized egos rarely look at their less beautiful sides.
In fact, they pretend that those downsides simply don’t exist.
People with self-love, however, accept themselves completely – both their positive and less positive aspects.
In order to accept yourself completely, you should first know yourself.
Some people don’t love themselves and don’t know which parts of themselves they don’t love. How can you accept and thus love yourself completely if you don’t know what parts of yourself you hate (or don’t like)?
For example, if you aren’t aware of the fact that you hate being vulnerable, then it’s difficult to accept that part of yourself.
In a way, the criticism that you use to trap yourself can also be the key to self-love – it means that you already know your weak points.
Are you a self-development junkie?
Then you may think self-acceptance is just an excuse to behave like Randy Marsh.
Fortunately, self-acceptance is not synonymous with apathy.
It means action!
Follow this article that will teach how to be the best of yourself,
Most people find it difficult to embrace the whole picture of themselves.
That’s why few people will develop self-love.
People with self-love are the people who:
- Accept and love themselves no matter what.
- Go through life with a positive attitude and self-confidence.
- Seem to have a magical gift that makes them happy in life.
But, dear reader, I can promise you that this is not magic of any kind.
Genuine self-love is extremely calm; it is not at all bombastic and spectacular.
It has nothing to do with bragging about your relationship/work/travel on social media.
Increasing self-love is a silent art.
And that is exactly what you will experience after reading this article and applying the tips.
With these nine tips, you can transform into a confident person who’s not afraid to be happy and enjoy life!
Tip #1: A lesson from a baby
Youngsters can teach us a lesson when it comes to self-love.
This lesson is the first step toward learning and experiencing true self-love.
Observe this random baby:
From a functional perspective, the baby has absolutely no value.
The baby cannot make itself useful by doing your laundry, for example.
In fact, instead of adding practical value, the baby requires a great deal of your time, effort and energy.
But if you ask someone whether a baby is valuable, you will receive a resounding “yes” in reply.
Why? Because a baby is intrinsically valuable, simply through being human.
A baby is, therefore, the ultimate symbol of self-love.
And you, dear reader, are as valuable as a baby for the same reason.
The fact that you are alive and human already provides you with intrinsic value.
Even the most horrific criminals are still entitled to a fair trial in our society.
This is because of the intrinsic value that we all continue to have as human beings, even when we are bad, useless or incapable.
As you grow older and more mature, you develop skills that also have functional value.
You measure that functional value by looking at your work, personal skills and your place in society.
There seems to be a sense in modern society that productivity (functional value) equals human worth.
That’s why many people measure their self-worth only by the standards of that functional value.
- Are you unsuccessful in love? Then you have failed as a human being.
- Is the balance in your bank equal to my bank balance in the first year of my studies? Then you are at the bottom of the “ranking.”
- Are you a cleaner? Then you receive little respect for your profession, even if you are very much needed in society.
It would be very shitty if the toilet at every train station smelled like a shit orgy just happened.
Functional value works on hierarchy – the concept that some people are better than others and deserve more.
In line with this concept, Novak Djokovic’s teacher not only deserves more money but also gets more money than your average local tennis teacher. That’s because he’s perceived better at teaching tennis.
The worse is when you translate functional value into human value.
As a result, you constantly compare yourself to others and punish yourself if you do not meet certain “standards.”
Nowadays, you have to become someone to have value.
Babies and young children do not measure themselves against that functional value.
They already “see” themselves as of value because they are of value.
In fact, being valuable isn’t a concept in their head at all. They naturally act as if they are valuable, without realizing that they have that value.
It is not surprising that you gradually lose that “simple happiness” that you experienced as a child. But you really don’t lose that intrinsic value as you grow up. You retain it.
The trick lies in being aware of that value.
You need to realize that you already have intrinsic value, without having to continuously prove it.
When you fully internalize this concept of intrinsic value, you have what we call “unconditional self-love.”
And this is also the SECRET to healthy self-love: the realization that you are already intrinsically valuable!
So, you see, it’s not so much about “developing” self-love. This notion stems from the belief that you, as a human being, are not intrinsically valuable.
It’s more about rediscovering your self-worth.
Therefore, the main message of this blog post is that self-love is up for grabs once you choose to reclaim it!
In fact, increasing self-love is a choice you make.
Hungry for effective example sentences so that you never run out of things to say? Download my Lines That Always Hook for free right here!
Tip #2: Don’t be like Mr. Jameson
If anyone can teach you about self-love, it’s Jonah Jameson from “Spider-Man.” Peter Parker’s boss.
Mr. Jameson is what you call an asshole. He is very strict and constantly punishes his employees, even when they perform well.
Moreover, Jameson never rewards them.
Would you, dear reader, want to work for him?
Exactly. Yet many people treat themselves in the same way that Mr. Jameson treats his employees.
In other words, they are much too hard on themselves, especially if they make a mistake.
But instead of punishing yourself for your mistakes, there is a much better tactic:
Look at your own mistakes from a neutral perspective.
Think of yourself as an outsider who is looking at your mistakes from a distance.
These things are, just like thoughts and feelings, temporary aspects of you.
They pass by like clouds. They are not your fundamental self, which is that passive, non-judgmental outsider.
The more you connect with this outsider, your fundamental self, the more you increase your self-love.
If you want to go deeper, there is also no observer/outsider; there’s just seeing.
You will realize this when you try to find the outsider.
Just like you can’t see your own eyes (without a mirror), you can’t see your fundamental self.
That means you are one with it, and don’t have to become it. If you are aware of this, then self-love is right around the corner.
It boils down to this: if you identify less with your external situation, you develop the ability to look at yourself non-judgmentally.
You develop the ability to approach your own weaknesses and flaws with an attitude of curiosity and self-acceptance.
Suppose you make a social mistake, and the thought arises that you are a failure.
In this case, all you have to do is to observe this thought passively. You don’t identify with it.
This doesn’t mean you can still learn from the mistake!
Anyways, by doing this, this nagging thought will make way for peace, which will be a very beautiful transition to observe.
Next time this failure-thought arises, it will be easier to observe it passively/ non-judgmentally.
With this heightened self-awareness and honesty, it becomes easier to a) see reality as it is, and b) learn from your mistakes.
Be more like Mr. Miller.
Tip #3: Use this simple self-love exercise
As soon as I started doing this exercise, my confidence got a huge boost.
It is very simple.
All you need is a pen and a notebook.
(Yep, better to do this exercise old school. But if you absolutely want to use a phone or tablet, be my guest).
Sit quietly at the end of each day. Then write down three positive things about that day.
If possible, write down three things about yourself that you are proud of.
Yes, you read that correctly:
In this exercise, you may shamelessly kiss your own ass. Avoid the middle region though. Doing this exercise every day helps to increase your self-love step by step.
Because look, most of us are absolute pros when it comes to looking at our negatives.
In our upbringing, at our schools, and at work, we often hear about what we are doing wrong. In addition, our reptile brain is programmed to recognize negativity.
The sooner we identified a particular danger, the greater our chances of survival.
This is precisely why research has shown that people are more sensitive to the negative things that happen to them.
The loss aversion principle states that losing five euros feels like a heavy and painful loss. But in comparison, you feel a less powerful (positive) emotion (like happiness) when you find five euros.
In short: we give too much significance to negativity, especially when it comes to ourselves. That’s why it’s so important to reprogram your brain with this exercise.
Instead of constantly looking at your mistakes, you now force yourself to be proud of yourself every day.
First, no, this is not fake. You don’t consider examining your shortcomings as fake. And it isn’t, because examining them can help you quite a bit.
But most people focus only on those negative aspects, while it’s actually extremely powerful to look at your positive aspects. This is what makes your self-love grow.
And even if you have nothing to say, I recommend that you write something down. You will certainly achieve more on some days than others.
The main thing is that you learn to focus on the things for which you can pat yourself on the back.
If you look closely, you see they’re always there.
For example, going to the supermarket on your lazy day is something you can be proud of.
The only thing you have to do now is to take off your blinders.
Tip #4: Read these self-love books
Of all the books that helped me reclaim my love for myself, these four are the most important:
1: The Power of Now (Eckhart Tolle)
The power of now teaches you to disconnect yourself from bad, negative and self-tormenting thoughts.
As I shortly explained in tip #2, this book teaches you to observe your thoughts without judging them.
This provides a deep inner peace.
The book may be a bit too spiritual for some, but I advise you not to stop yourself from reading it.
It provides a complete meditation on self-love, written by a sensitive, intelligent person who offers you his help.
2: The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem (Nathaniel Branden)
Someone with a lot of self-love has strong self-esteem.
He doesn’t let himself be pushed aside and is aware of what he has to offer.
Unfortunately, most of the people put themselves second.
Many people let themselves be walked over and assume a subordinate role.
Others have a big mouth, purely to mask their low self-esteem.
Either way, developing self-love becomes very difficult (if not impossible) without strong self-esteem. This author is a true expert on this subject and has given many self-love courses.
This book helps with discovering your worth.
3: Awaken the Giant Within (Tony Robbins)
This book doesn’t just help you develop self-love. It also helps you become the best version of yourself.
This book teaches you to take full control of your finances, your talents, and your health.
In this way, you will become someone that others look up to. And more importantly, you will learn to live to your true/fullest potential
Tip #5: Watch your words
This quote comes from a participant in one of our courses.
I instructed him to a) approach a woman in the street and b) compliment her.
After much doubt, he took action. He spoke to this woman and gave her a wonderful compliment.
The result was a glowing, cheerful woman who was very happy with the compliment.
And when he came back, he said this:
I responded with: “Okay? “That was awesome man! You can be really proud of yourself. She’s still looking at you! You made her day!”; I spoke to him enthusiastically.
if you do something well, you can positively reinforce it with your words.
Don’t say “that went okay” if it was ” F*cking Epic “!
Pay close attention to the words you use if you do something or say something about yourself.
People who don’t love themselves engage in too much negative self-talk.
Much emotional pain simply stems from negative opinions you have about yourself.
These negative opinions hold you back massively in your daily life.
If you love yourself unconditionally, this will happen much less.
Everyone makes mistakes from time to time.
And of course, it is okay to talk to yourself about that.
But that doesn’t mean you should pound yourself into the ground with your negative self-talk.
And if you do something right: tell yourself that too!
Encourage yourself in everyday life.
Only then will you develop the ultimate self-love.
And there is nothing better than being encouraged by yourself.
By the way, would you also like to learn to approach women just like our students?
Tip #6: Don’t be a sheep
A lot of mental energy is wasted on meaningless conformist behavior.
The need to gain approval from others can lead people to do things that are not in line with what they really want in their lives.
But once you choose to feel good about yourself, you are less likely to limit yourself due to someone else’s opinion.
The objective is that your good feelings come from within.
In other words, you have your own positive source that you can draw from.
You realize what your intrinsic value is.
Of course, it is nice to receive appreciation from others.
But someone with a great source of self-love does not need that appreciation as a condition of being happy.
Tip #7: This is how you deal with fear
Do you often feel like things are going to fail?
Are you regularly afraid that something is expected of you that you cannot do?
Do you often live in fear?
Then I have good news for you.
From today, you can make that fear become your friend.
Look, many people let themselves be held back by all kinds of fears they have.
But when you let fear hold you back, you don’t grow.
And if you don’t grow, it becomes almost impossible to create self-love. First, understand this properly:
Your fear never goes away.
Sorry to break it to you, but I’m not going to lie about this.
Fear doesn’t just go away.
There’s no point in waiting to grow until one day, your fear has magically disappeared.
Fear will not go away, but fear will diminish.
People don’t get less scared, they get braver.
That only happens if you learn to deal with your fear differently.
Don’t see your fear as a scary alarm bell that paralyzes yourself.
See your fear as a signal to take action.
Because by taking action, you prove to yourself that you can do something.
And that works wonders for your self-love.
Tip #8: The truth about failure
A direct consequence of the foregoing is that you automatically start to take more risks in your life. Because your self-esteem is no longer determined by external circumstances, it becomes easier to take risks.
And as you take more risk, it becomes easier to understand which behaviors are productive and which behaviors are not.
This will help you be more successful in the long run – in love, in your development, and in every area of your life.
Most people, however, never take risks because they fear failure.
They see failure as the ultimate proof that you as a person, are “no good.”
But that’s a toxic way to deal with failure.
Failure actually helps you learn. And learning from your mistakes helps you grow.
And the more you grow, the more self-love you develop.
Good things will happen when you internalize the thought that your self-esteem is independent of external factors. For example, you will no longer let your happiness depend so much on the successes you achieve.
You become more process-oriented and the fact that you take action becomes a goal in itself.
As a result of that, you will get into a ‘flow’ state more easily and enjoy ‘the journey’ much more.
Tip #9: Follow this self-love meditation
Our Pascal could not have said it better.
A significant cause of low self-love is unrest.
Today we are constantly busy with all kinds of things.
Impulses and distractions are almost always present.
A phone buzzing in your left pocket, a commercial about blabla screaming at you from the television in the corner, etcetc…
You can’t argue that that is good for your peace of mind.
And the more restless your head, the more your negative thoughts have free rein.
Do you want that? Of course not.
Fortunately, there is an effective way to find peace in your mind:
This self-love meditation is very simple:
Sit quietly in a chair and watch your breathing.
Breathe in and out in a relaxed manner.
That’s all you do.
You can start very easily by doing this for 2 minutes.
From here, you can gradually build it up.
This may feel uncomfortable at first, but it is guaranteed to give you amazing long-term results.
Through meditation, you find a deeply grounded mental peace.
Because you are no longer so dependent on the circumstances in which you find yourself, your emotions will change less quickly.
Life naturally runs in cycles, and there will always be times when things are not going well.
But you will be less emotionally reactive to those moments.
Instead of a feather in the wind, you become a compass that always points to its course regardless of weather changes.
Tip #10: Be like Santa Claus
This tip not only creates self-love but also much more authentic and strong connections with others.
And you don’t even have to have a sleigh and reindeer ;).
All you have to do is this:
This doesn’t mean that you have to empty your entire bank account to provide the whole world with gifts.
I am not talking about giving in the material sense.
I’m talking about giving yourself completely.
People with little self-love find this quite scary.
Giving yourself means making yourself vulnerable. And making yourself vulnerable may mean being rejected.
This isn’t fun, but the alternative is that you constantly hide yourself.
And if you keep hiding yourself, no one will really get to know you.
You cannot enjoy strong and beautiful connections with others.
But see it this way:
Santa Claus gives presents to make others happy. If someone doesn’t want a present, he just goes to the next one.
Santa Claus still sleeps like a baby if someone doesn’t want a present. That’s because he gives unconditionally, which you should do too.
Dare to show yourself. Dare to compliment others. Dare to share your positive qualities. As Anne Frank once said:
Once you no longer feel that your personality is at stake in social interactions, it becomes easier to open up.
You will have less of a need to elicit positive responses from people. It will even become easier to express yourself.
Funnily enough, it is when you are no longer so concerned with seeking approval from others that you are going to get it right.
Two misconceptions about unconditional self-love.
There are still a number of misconceptions about self-love. These are the two pitfalls I hear most often and why they don’t make sense.
1. If I love myself unconditionally, then I get lazy
In my experience, it is much better when motivation comes from a place of wholeness and abundance rather than scarcity.
This gives inspiration and makes it easier to self-express rather than increasing insecurity and fear.
If you have healthy self-love, your actions are no longer motivated by a need to fill a certain gap.
But they stem more from an authentic need to be yourself and to express that.
2. When I love myself unconditionally, I become arrogant
Arrogance is rooted in insecurity and a strong identification with the ego.
It is an attempt by your damaged ego to protect itself.
People who have this insecurity try to maintain a positive self-image by showing themselves superior to others.
People with authentically high self-esteem, on the other hand, have absolutely no need to do such a thing.
They see no reason to make himself more “special” to others.
They know that they are valuable and that others are too.
How do you make the transition to unconditional self-love?
The key to high self-esteem lies in realizing that you are already intrinsically valuable because of your humanity.
There is nothing you can do that will contribute to this form of intrinsic value. And nothing can diminish your value.
Once you fully accept this, you have what is called unconditional self-love.
In order to achieve this, it is important that you do not identify with the external situation you are in.
Essentially, that means that when it comes to your self-esteem, it is irrelevant whether:
- Someone accepts you;
- The things you say resonate with others;
- You have achieved much in life.
Ultimately, all is about discovering that you are more than what you may or may not have.
How do you master these new behavioral patterns?
One thing I definitely don’t recommend is worrying about the past for too long and looking for the exact cause of your low self-love.
What this mainly does is cultivate a victim mentality.
Without exception, everyone makes mistakes in life. As a young child, these mistakes are accompanied by pain from the disapproval of others.
At that age, you may not have had the mental capacity to discover that these rejections say nothing about you as a human being, but more about the behavior you have displayed.
Now that is different, especially after reading this article.
Therefore, it is much better to let go of the past and surrender yourself entirely to a new way of thinking.
To do this, you must first convince yourself that the best choice is to adopt unconditional self-love.
Take your time to think about this: imagine how different your life will be with this new attitude…
Once you’ve made the rational shift, the emotional switch will slowly follow. Keep in mind that an emotional change usually takes more time.
The biggest obstacles to internalizing a new way of thinking are conditioned behavioral patterns. Self-limiting behavior patterns, such as seeking approval from others, self-judgment, and fear of failure, have a certain momentum.
Therefore, they will not disappear so quickly.
But, with enough effort, they will decrease over time.
Think of it as driving a car.
The car does not stop immediately when you step on the brakes. Instead, it needs a few meters before coming to a stop. Your mind works the same way.
For the mind, the equivalent of putting the brakes on is becoming aware.
Become aware of your habit of identifying yourself with current living conditions, making your sense of self-love conditional.
As you start recognizing your self-limiting habits, the following transformations will start taking place:
- You catch yourself doing a self-limiting habit after they have taken place.
- You catch yourself doing a self-limiting habit when they occur.
- You catch yourself doing a self-limiting habit before they actually take place and consciously choose an alternative, better approach.
In time, your self-limiting habits will disappear to be replaced by more positive behavioral patterns:
- You develop a habit of seeing reality through objectivity and not through fear.
- You accept yourself as you are and accept others as they are.
- You take responsibility for your current life situation. For example, whether a great woman (or plural) is in your life.
- And you take action to change your current life situation.
These are exactly the self-love qualities you need to start living your full life!
If you want more tips to gain ultimate self-confidence?
Download the free Transformation Kit at the bottom of this article.
Dan de Ram