You have this great girl near you.
You love her deeply, perhaps can’t wait to date her or even end up in a relationship.
She has a slightly different view of things.
She hasn’t put you on the slim ladder of possible lovers. She’s has put you on the endless ladder of Friendzone boys.
If only there was a way to remove you name from the Friendzone ladder and add yourself to the Loveladder…
Luckily there is. And today I’m going to help you with it:
- 7 Tips to master the friendzone and navigate your way out of it
- The radical honest reason why you ended up in the frienzone
- How to get out of the friendzone in 5 days
- The cure to always avoid the friendzone in the future
- How to show girls you should be on top of there Loverslist
- More insights about the frienzone…
By the way, have you seen my free Transformation Kit?
You'll get my best stuff absolutely free: 12 Opening lines that actually work, my 5 best texting tips (including copy-paste lines for Tinder), and the Friendzone Houdini. Download the Transformation Kit here.
When you are deep in the Friendzone…
(If you do not feel like reading this painful and relatable story, you can skip it with my permission and start with the next paragraph)
Our coach Patrick was 16 years old at the time, and his social life consisted mainly of a friend, let’s call him Alpha Alex, with whom he played FIFA and drank beer every weekend. He spent the rest of his time with fantasy novels and computer games.
One day he received a message on social media from a girl who used to go the same school. Let’s call this lovely lady Friendzone Fran. They chatted, and they liked each other right away.
She took him out for drinks. He agreed and, of course, took his buddy Alpha Alex with him. Why he did this? Fuck knows…
What followed was a period of several months seeing her weekly. They had fun, watched movies, hung out and went out a lot. It was the first girl he went out with, and he became infatuated with her.
He was convinced that she liked him. After all, they had so much fun together and why else would she go out with him so often? She even touched him sometimes! The magic moment had not yet arrived, but it would probably come soon, he told himself…
On New Year’s Eve 2003 a scar was burned into his soul. The first piece of his innocence was torn out of him, and danced on with dirty boots.
They celebrated in Friendzone Fran’s apartment. Her sister was also there and Patrick brought Alpha Alex (again). Alpha Alex had much less contact with Friendzone Fran than he did, but he knew that they had once met without him when Patrick was sick.
Suddenly, her sister said:
At that moment Patrick’s heart was sliding into his pants.
He didn’t want to show it, so he put on his best poker face, but 15 minutes later he took Fran aside and nervously asked, “What is it between you and Alex?”
She told him that Alpha Alex and her had sex and that they were somehow together. She added that she sees Patrick more as a good friend.
It was the first time in his life that he felt like shit because of a girl. He couldn’t comprehend it. Alpha Alex was such a player, and Patrick had so much fun with her.
Arriving home he received a message from her:
While he was home alone for two months, Fran was banged by Alex every day.
Yeah, that’s what it’s like when you’re deep in the friendzone.
Learn how to deal with unrequited love right here. This gives you already the extra edge to get out of the friendzone:
Tip #1: Do Nice Guys finish last?
Unfortunately, it took Patrick a few years to realize what he was doing wrong.
One big misconception that too many Nice Guys have is:
If I love a woman, am nice to her and do everything for her, she will eventually think I’m great.
What more could a woman want? Do you have similar thoughts? Then bro… you officially suffer from Nice Guy Syndrome.
Not only men believe that. Women also have this rational dogma:
But attractiveness is not the result of rationality.
It arises on an emotional level.
That’s why women often go for assholes and pat nice guys on them back:
Have you ever heard this before? Ouch!
In Western Europe, it is often the case that children are primarily raised by women.
As a result, young men are not connected to their masculinity, and they adopt the romantic Prince Charming Style taught to them by their mother or by movies.
“You must treat a woman well and with respect. Always be nice to her,” is often the only thing we men are told about seducing women.
Tip #2: The ladder theory
What men often don’t understand is why a woman hangs out with them, when she is not sexually and/or romantically interested.
After all, we only do things with a woman when we want something from her, right? Otherwise, we’d rather watch football or have a beer with our buddies…
In order to understand this, I will introduce you to the ladder theory.
Men have a ladder (=scale) on which they judge women often by their appearance:
The higher a woman sits on this imaginary ladder, the sooner they would have sex with her. At the lower end there are women whom the man does not find attractive and to whom he therefore does not pay attention.
However, for women it is different: they have two ladders:
One ladder for men with whom she might have sex with, and a second ladder (the friendship ladder) for men she sees as just friends.
The higher a man is on the friendship ladder, the more intimate and sentimental they are with him, because they see him as a very good friend – almost like a brother.
Chances are that, as a guy sitting at the top of the friendship ladder, you think you’re doing damn well, but you’re not!
Jumping back and forth between the ladders is not possible. This is ensured by the hole in between, which leads straight into the underworld.
The only way to get from the friendship ladder to the fuck ladder is to climb down the friendship ladder and slowly climb up the other one.
You’re on the wrong track? Sorry, bro. I know, it sucks.
A simple explanation for this can be found, once again, at our good old friend (or enemy, however you want to see it) evolution.
The Stone Age man wanted to fertilize as many women as possible to spread his DNA. This made every woman a potential target for him.
It was different with the Stone Age woman. Since she had to take care of her child after nine months of pregnancy, one man per decade was enough.
She is not interested in other men as sex/reproduction partners at this time. She sees them as members of the tribe, who offer her additional protection and support.
There are some things you do wrong (without knowing it) that will lead to you ending up in the Friendzone.
If you ask yourself questions like “How to escape the friend zone?” or “How to avoid friend zone?” or “How to not get friendzoned?” then play close attention.
Because now you know how the friendzone works. It’s time to climb out of it.
Looking at the ladders I can imagine you think descending one and ascending the other would take ages.
Nothing is less true.
I’ve thoroughly looked into anything friendzone related…
How men escaped the friendzone of girls I’ve dated. How some of my coaches dealt with friendzone situations. And what research says about the psychological side of being in the friendzone.
This lead to a 5-day friendzone escape plan.
It has made Michael Scofield jealous ever since.
Tip #3: You don’t flirt with her
There are two essential components of attraction: connection and positive emotional and sexual tension.
These must be balanced to ensure that she finds you great. When it comes to bonding, you’re obviously already a hero. Chapeau! Now you just have to become a master of emotional tension.
You have to let her feel every emotion except for boredom.
A woman has a wide range of emotions that she can and wants to feel. Emotions are her lifeblood. Without emotions, she feels empty – with emotions, she feels alive.
But how do you trigger emotions in her?
Exactly… by flirting with her!
Maybe you’re wondering what flirting is or how to flirt. Flirting is nothing more than teasing and challenging her with a gentle smile on your lips.
The old proverb “Teasing is a sign of affection” is still accurate.
It creates a positive tension between you, which takes you higher on the fuck ladder. It may be that the tension makes you feel a little uncomfortable and so you do everything in your power to avoid it. But hold on! Tension is great!
Examples of teasing and challenging:
Also, don’t be afraid to talk about sex. Sometimes, women like talking about this topic even more than men. So make jokes about it or ask her about her sexual experiences.
Do you want to learn more about what flirting is and how it works? Then check out this article:
Tip #4: You don’t touch her
Make sure you build in physical contact. The greater the physical distance between you, the more difficult it gets to touch her over time. When you have physical contact with her, she literally feels more.
Put your hand on her shoulder when you talk to her. Give her a gentle nudge when she teases you. Touch her back when you show her something.
This is all very harmless, but it easily turns into attraction.
Tip #5: You don’t act like a real man
She wants to feel like a woman in your presence. And that can only happen when you act like a man.
The number one quality you should show as a man is that you are not afraid to take the lead.
You’re the boss. Without being too tactless, of course.
Don’t hesitate if you want to do something. Stop asking her what she thinks. And you don’t have to constantly ask for her opinion to make a decision.
Take the initiative in all areas you can imagine.
If you want to take her out for a date, write her for example:
Don’t ask if she likes what you proposed, just assume she does. When you want to grab food, you choose the restaurant. If you want to get drinks, you can order for both of you.
For many Nice Guys out there, this all sounds very inconsiderate, but believe me: she thinks it’s great!
Finally, a real man takes her into his reality instead of following her everywhere.
To get what it means to be a real man, and take back your attractive masculine edge. Take a look at this article:
Tip #6: You don’t make your intentions clear
You think that if you fly secretly under the radar you won’t be turned down, and she’ll love you in the end?
Come on, think again! It’s not about telling her literally that you want to sleep with her, but about showing her that you are into her through your actions, your behavior and your flirting.
There’s nothing more attractive than a man who knows what he wants.
Tip #7: You’re too needy
There is a crucial difference between WANT and NEED.
When you need her (= are needy), you radiate that. You do your best to make sure she gives you some sort of validation.
Women have a sixth sense for this. If they feel that you are needy, then you are as unattractive to them as Frankenstein. And then you officially park in the Friend Zone again.
Here is an example from Austin Powers, who knows what he wants, but doesn’t necessarily need it. And as crazy and unattractive as he is… she can’t help but secretly enjoy it!
Tip #8: I’m nice to you: The Nice Guy syndrome
In his book “No More Mr. Nice Guy“, Robert Glover explains that Nice Guys live by three unspoken principles:
- If I do good, then others will love me and find me nice. And people I desire will desire me.
- If I do things for others without asking them first, they will do the same for me.
- If I only do good, I’ll have a life free of problems.
They have a strong need to receive external confirmation and avoid conflicts. This is happening on a subconscious level.
When you recognize this in yourself, start looking for confirmation in yourself. You don’t need external recognition.
Tip #9: Don’t focus on one girl (and something with basketball)
I was 18 years old when I escaped the friendzone for the first time in my life and kissed the girl I had a crush on for 3 years.
It felt pretty awesome.
The funny thing was, even 5 minutes before that moment, I had no idea I was about to kiss her. That evening, I wasn’t even trying to accomplish anything with her. And that was probably exactly why we ended up kissing.
Why was that?
And which lessons does it provide?
To answer these questions, I have to give a little more backstory.
So, I had a huge crush on this girl for 3 years already. She was an active gymnast. So for convenience, I’ll refer to her as gymnastgirl. (don’t worry if you’re older. The principles that got me out of the friendzone here apply to women of all ages).
During those years I did EVERYTHING that guarantees you a one-way ticket to the friendzone.
I was a typical nice guy. I truly believed that I just had to be kind enough. Then someday she would realize I was the perfect fit for her.
Did that day ever come?
Visualization of my shattered belief that one day she’ll love me if I’m just being nice enough.
In fact, she moved to another city and disappeared out of my life.
But my life went on. And not long after, I began collecting all this knowledge about women which I now share with you. I was about to start my journey that would change my dating life forever.
I read about neediness, realized I always behaved clingily and decided to stop doing that. I also deliberately brought myself into more social situations, started paying attention to my looks, and gained more confidence.
Then for the first time in my life, women started to notice me.
I got a few successes. After a while, I even started dating a good friend of gymnastgirl.
At that age, the speed of light is nothing compared to the speed of gossip. So gymnastgirl suddenly heard this shy awkward kid (me) was now dating one of the beautiful and popular girls in her inner circle. No doubt this turned her view of me completely upside down.
I continued dating for a while with her friend but ended up ruining it. I changed a lot, but I wasn’t completely there yet. There were still a lot of cracks in the fundaments of my confidence. In weak moments, these cracks would show up in my behavior. They popped up as tiny signs of clinginess and insecurity, eventually extinguishing her attraction to me.
But still, a process had started that couldn’t be reversed anymore.
So fast forward a few months, I was at a party.
Guess who was there?
It was my old crush.
And when we met, so much was different.
I wasn’t desperately trying to win her validation anymore. I wasn’t trying to be nice so she would like me. I wasn’t nervous to say something wrong. I didn’t even feel the need to show her how much I changed.
(If you change a lot in a good way, you might feel the need to prove this to people from your past. It’s a classic mistake because it shows that you still want their validation. So never do this 😉 )
Okay, I still flirted a little with her. But I’d started flirting with ALL girls. Not because I wanted to win over any of them, but simply because it’s more fun.
And all this sparked a lot of attraction. Out of nothing, we had a moment, and you already know what happened next 😉
So what’s the lesson here?
“Uhm, date her best friend?”
Okay, that’s a bit unnecessary buddy. But what you should do, is this:
Flirt with other women
To get out of the friendzone, you have to change a lot of your behavior.
The list is long…
- Act less needy
- Be more decisive
- Be more flirtatious
And the best way to practice this?
Well, you might not like the answer…
It’s to start dating other women. Or at least start flirting with them.
Let me explain.
What escaping the friendzone and beating a certain basketball team have in common
Imagine you play on a basketball team. The season just started. Unfortunately, your team already loses the first match. Defeated, you swear you’re gonna do everything to make sure you win the next time you play against that team.
What do you do then?
Do you study their every move? Do you focus solely on the question how to beat that specific team?
Do you focus on generally become a better basketball team?
The last option is way better. You break down basketball in its different components, like strategy, tactics, and every member’s physical abilities. You play a lot against different teams, gain experience, and become better.
Then after a year, it’s time. You’re playing against that one team again. But now you’ve trained hard, have a lot of experience, and a kickass basketball team. And if you put in enough effort, you’ll win.
When escaping the friendzone, it’s kind of the same.
The best way to escape the friendzone is to improve your general skills with women.
The best way to learn these skills?
Get a lot of experience with a lot of women.
Not really rocket science right? 😉
It’s exactly what I did.
When I was in the friendzone, I only knew about the ladder on the right.
You still remember this one right?
I had no idea the left one existed. Even more, I had no idea how to climb it. I learned this by gaining experience with other women.
I know this feels counter-intuitive
Trust me, I understand if you don’t want to hear this.
You might be so in love with the girl who friendzoned you, that you won’t even think about other women.
But you have to realize the following:
By pursuing this idea that she’s the only one that can make you happy, you’re actively making yourself less attractive.
That’s why you should focus on other girls too. Start meeting and flirting with them. This will definitely improve your skills with women and you might realize there are indeed plenty of fish in the sea.
By the way, I wrote an extensive article just about this piece of advice. You can read it here.
There’s another lesson we can learn from this story…
Tip #10: Go M.I.A.
For those not aware of the term, let’s consult Urban Dictionary:
In war, a soldier going M.I.A is obviously very bad.
But when escaping the friendzone, it might just do the trick. As you just read, it did for me.
So why can taking some distance help you escape the friendzone?
The main reason is…
Going M.I.A resets her attitude towards you.
When you’re deep in the friendzone, how she views you is almost carved in stone.
This is often the case when you acted like her typical nice-guy friend FOR YEARS.
Fixing that is not gonna be easy.
But what happens if there’s no contact for a couple of weeks?
Well, her attitude towards you starts to weaken slowly.
When you see her again later and act differently, she’s more likely to accept this new version of you.
I mean, imagine that one of your friends suddenly starts behaving totally different. One day he shows up in robes, walks barefoot, and only talks about the benefits of meditating.
That would be really weird right?
But now image your friend went backpacking in Asia for a few months and came back like this? Would it still be that strange?
Sure. Maybe a little. But less than the first scenario.
The same happens with the girl you like.
Bonus tip: This also works when you totally ruined it with a girl. For example, you were dating but made some stupid mistakes. In many cases, when a girl’s view of you goes from ‘cool guy’ to ‘loser’, it’s very hard to correct this.
Often, it’s best to move on to the next girl. Then when you see her a few months later, you can try again.
Oh, and I shouldn’t have to say this but…
Don’t do this…
Once I got the following question:
“Yo Dan, There was this girl who put me in the friendzone. A few days ago her father past away. She tried to call me because she wanted me to support her. But I ignored her because I don’t want to be her emotional comfort food.
But now she’s really mad at me. What should I do?”
Well in that case, you should have been there for your friend. It’s good that you’re not available anymore for her daily drama. But don’t take it to the extreme too.
Here’s another thing you shouldn’t do.
Tip #11: Don’t drop the bomb
Never ever drop the I’m-in-love-with-you-bomb.
Because it will only shock her.
Put yourself in her position. She always thought you were friends. Then out of a sudden, you tell her you’re in love with her? For her, this means your friendship was never real and you’ve been kind of lying to her.
So don’t do it.
“But Dan, I read stories on the internet of people who did this and they ended up with their crush”
True. But I also read stories on the internet of people who fell 8 stages from a flat and survived. This doesn’t mean you should also do this.
Sure, it might have worked for some people. But from experience, I can tell the success-percentage of this move is maybe 5%.
It’s simply not a smart move. Life, unfortunately doesn’t always work like in romantic movies.
Tip #12: A few more nuggets of gold
We’re almost there.
You know the important stuff now:
- Don’t be needy.
- Don’t be a nice guy.
- Flirt more (with her and others).
- Be masculine and take the lead.
So now I’ll give you a few more practical things you can do in line with the tips above.
Here’s the first…
Be the first to end conversations
Most men are looking for their crush’ validation like a vulture looking for meat.
So they do everything to stretch their conversations with her. Hoping that every extra second will improve his chances.
But, as you’ll guess, that only gets you the opposite.
Be the first to end conversations. It’s an easy and subtle rule to be less needy.
Try a no-challenge for 1 week
Most men in the friendzone give away favors too easily.
Not only to their crush but to others in general.
Then it’s time to steer the wheel bro. Luckily, there’s a relatively easy fix for that. It’s called a no-challenge.
For one week, you say no to everyone asking you for a favor.
“Can you help me with my homework?”
“Can I borrow some money?”
“I’m going shopping tomorrow. Want to accompany me?
Most nice-guys are afraid people will get angry when they say no. The goal of this challenge is to realize people aren’t like that. Most of them will react quite indifferent. They’ll simply move on to another person to help them.
That’s why it’s a challenge for just 1 week. It’s enough time to proof you won’t lose friends suddenly by saying no. But not enough time to seriously get yourself in trouble.
After the challenge, you can find a new balance by how much you want to do for others.
Force her to fill dead silences
Another classic characteristic of guys who find themselves in the friendzone:
It’s dead silences.
And those make them nervous.
So what do they do?
They fill them with – most of the time – awkward small talk.
That’s why you want to get more comfortable with silences. Next time, see what happens when you’re not the one who interrupts the silences. You’ll find out she will easily take over the job and start doing a little more effort for you.
Pay less attention to her on social events
I can spot friendzoned guys easily at social gatherings.
Almost like a puppy, they follow their crush everywhere.
But that’s not what an attractive and social man does.
No, the social superhero does the opposite:
He talks with everyone, laughs with people, and is genuinely interested in everyone he meets.
If you need help with this, I wrote an article with 23 tips to become more social. Make sure to check it out.
Tip #13: Do I have to be an asshole now?
When I first realized that the Nice Guy behavior I had clung to in my younger years was not working, I fell into an existential crisis.
First, I refused to say goodbye to my inner Nice Guy and became angry:
I don’t want to be a shithead or a bad boy. Then better no chicks, I will not trample on my values and norms!
But this is the greatest misconception of them all. Just because bad boys are successful with women doesn’t mean that once we’ve mastered flirting and acting masculine, we have to mistreat women.
Flirtatious behavior, teasing women and the typical teasing are often considered rude and disrespectful by Nice Guys.
But ask yourself this question:
If a woman thinks it’s great when you behave like this, how can it be disrespectful?
Try it and see what happens.
You make a woman feel feminine and special if you treat her like a woman. The clichéd male-female etiquette works, and she only appreciates your inner gentleman when a true man stands before her who knows how to flirt.
Once you’ve mastered that, you can:
- Hold the door open for her
- Pay on the first date
- Zip her dress
Or any other random cliché thing.
If you know how to be attractive, then all this is like putting a cherry on top of the icing on the cake. As long as it comes from a place of strength:
Instead of a place of weakness and need:
How to get out of the Friend Zone
Okay, so you really like her A LOT, but you’re too deep in the friendzone?
First of all, you should slowly show her that you have the attractive qualities I mentioned above.
She must see you as a sexual being; as a man and not as a friend.
You’ll need a crowbar to change her mind. You may even have to flirt with her a little more directly than you would with another woman to make your alter ego clear to her.
One possible consequence is that you will lose her as a good friend, but that is a risk you should be willing to take. Because it is the only way you could be her lover.
Another possibility is to cut off the contact with her. Give up on her for six months.
As soon as you see her again, let your new self be seen.
And to equip you with the crowbar to free yourself from her tight friendzone, use the Transformation Kit I’ve created for you.
It gives examples to all the principles you’ve learned today.
Flirtlines to create attraction, online dating tips to make her crave for you messages and the way of the man to show you’re the masculine man that should be on top of her Loveladder.
See you there and good luck!
Dan de Ram