… and they all lived happily after.
(At least if they stopped by now boring each other to death.)
Hands up, if you had similar ‘inspiring’ conversations with women or new acquaintances. And want that CHANGED!
Because in this article, I show you:
- 7 Foolproof tips how to make a connection with someone easily
- You can’t connect with people? Stop doing the logical approach
- The #1 attraction-killer during your getting-to-know-phase with a lady
- How to make STRONG connection with someone FAST
- Communication tips how to connect with a girl and take your existing relationship to the NEXT LEVEL
- Much more verbal goodies…
Don’t worry if you feel addressed, hermano.
You are not alone.
Every six seconds, a person disgusts his counterpart with the most superficial questions the world has to offer in hope to get to know each other.
That’s at least how regular Joe (and premature-Dan) did it:
He arranges a date and wants to capture every detail about his potential dream-wife like a recording clerk of the CIA.
Excellent work, agent!
Now you know she has a Golden Retriever, her favorite color is coral and she has to submit her bachelor thesis about ‘the digestive system of guinea pigs’ within the next three months.
You can’t help but feel like soul mates because you’ve been clearly able to tap into such incredibly intimate facts about each other.
What, somehow, she doesn’t feel having connection with you?
What. The. F*ck.
Alright, alright. I’m gonna turn off the sarcasm switch.
I think you understand the point I want to make…
If you clicked on this article, chances are pretty damn high, you currently suck at having a connection with a girl and what to improve you communication and flirt skills.
Spoiler: You’ve came to the right place.
Let’s dive in with the first myth!
By the way, have you seen my free Transformation Kit?
You'll get my best stuff absolutely free: 12 Opening lines that actually work, my 5 best texting tips (including copy-paste lines for Tinder), and the Friendzone Houdini. Download the Transformation Kit here.
Tip #1: Myth: More commonalities = Strong connection with someone
Even though you aren’t here at MythBusters, I want to bust a crucial myth with you.
Let’s do it with the help of an experiment.
Look at these two people, who are answering the exact same question:
“I like to paint. I like to be creative.”
“Back in the days I used to be probably the shiest kid in my class. I got easily intimidated and felt like I could never express myself.
I still remember the day in elementary school, when everybody had to introduce himself and how I couldn’t get a single sound over my tongue because I was so nervous in the presence of my classmates.
My mother died prematurely. I didn’t know how to deal with that. I made shutting up my personal shield. Something which led me to being even more isolated.
Then… one day… I saw a funny looking afro-haired man named Bob Ross on tv. An extremely talented artist, who apparently had a ‘fetish’ for teaching people. How to paint breath-taking pictures in simple steps.
What I saw left me amazed.
I got so excited, that I took all the crayons I could find and started to draw my first lines on an empty page of my pad.
For the first time, I felt unfiltered and free, as I could express every single though of mine.
Even my suppressed feelings about my mother.
This was the day, when I got obsessed with painting and when I also started opening up to my classmates for the first time.”
Both guys have the same passion, but which version do you like better?
Clearly the one of person B, no?
Not a big surprise.
But what made person B’s story so unique?
Instead of just telling his WHAT, person B also told us about his WHY.
He gave us a deep understanding of his motivations and feelings and even shared one exact experience with us.
Even if you don’t give a sh!t about painting, you can’t deny that you feel a stronger connection with person B.
Because it’s more than likely, that you can RELATE to his emotions and experiences.
Now, if Person B would ask you the same question (after giving you this fine ass answer), how would you answer it?
Would you answer with a blunt ‘Cool. I like playing football.’ or would you be inspired to share some more insights of you?
Duuuh’ of course you would do the latter one. Why? Because person B makes himself vulnerable towards you. He gives you indirect permission to open up the same way. After all he doesn’t seem to judge him for his emotions and past, so why should he judge you?
The moral of the story:
If you want to inspire girls to share their deepest motivations with you, don’t be person A.
Be the first to share. Express your story (including your feelings) s-h-a-m-e-l-e-s-s-l-y.
(And thank me later. ;))
In the following tip, I share the biggest reason.
Tip #2: Your schoolteacher ensured you can’t connect with people
You might remember your first day in elementary school.
To get to know each other Ms. Smith, your formal class teacher, had a brilliant idea:
Super idea, Ms. Smith.
Yes, you will get to know each other through that game. However, you have to keep it sweet, short and superficial during this game.
With each progressing school year, the game gets more superficial. And even if you had time to open up yourself about topics that fascinate you in elementary school. These periods get further and further lost with each school year.
Because you must get through tHe sUbJEct mAteRiAL, right…
Let not even get into university *coughs* you’re a tiny sand corn on the beach and no professor cares about your snorkeling tour through the reefs of the Turkish Riviera last summer *coughs*.
And if that wouldn’t already be enough to degrade one’s social skills, your working life probably f*cks you over even more:
Bla. Bla. Bla…
Yes, I understand, there isn’t a lot of time during a job interview to connect on a deeper level (simply because companies have to listen to dozens of job interviews per day; especially if it’s a popular position).
All these described events ‘cultivate’ you to stay logical, rational and superficial in interactions.
Your expressiveness gets trimmed, so you get to the point fast. At any given time.
Even in contact with spicy señoritas…
Tip #3: The underrated power of having a strong connection with someone
She rests her head against my shoulder. We are sitting in my car in a parking deck. The loudspeakers of my VW Golf sound ‘Coming Out Strong’ from TheWeeknd.
She just told me how she used to be bullied by other girls of her year for her shyness. And tells me how it made her the self-confident person she is now.
She tells me about her dreams, what goals she wants to achieve in life and why she strives for them.
I listen to her carefully. Suddenly I think she’s way cooler than I thought 3 minutes before.
I feel like we’ve known each other forever.
Yet I know her for only 1.5 (!) hours.
You only feel like this when you are 100% honest and have the courage to talk about everything, without any hesitation or fear of judgment.
So which superpower lies behind connecting with a girl so deeply?
The answer is quite simple:
If you are vulnerable with each other, you not only lose the feeling of being strangers – you also get the feeling that you fit together beautifully (under the premise that you don’t judge each other for anything you say),
Are you in a relationship right now?
This approach strengthens the bond between you immensely.
It’s like you are like chestnut trees exploring their roots for the first time.
You will be surprised how much you DIDN’T know about each other for ages.
You might even get to know facets of your crush, which existence you weren’t even aware of…
Tip #4: The #1 attraction killer during your connection phase
Imagine you’re in a cafe.
Not a single seat seems to be available…
…then what do your eagle eyes spot?
One chair isn’t occupied.
Coincidentally it’s at the table with a beautiful woman.
You muster all your courage and think to yourself:
Arrived at her table, you introduce yourself to her.
You start a dialogue with each other.
She tells you how she prefers spelt bread over wholemeal sandwiches and how delicious it tastes in combination with fresh cherry jam.
You react platonically and pretend that her mundane talk is incredibly interesting (even though you truly don’t give a single shyte about this topic):
So you end up talking for three-quarters of an hour about how fascinating spelt bread is.
Finally, she ends your conversation with a soft handshake, saying that she has to get back to work.
You look at her bewildered and stand like a leashed buffalo in the corner of the breakfast-local.
That’s exactly what happened to a reader 2 weeks ago.
What do you think went wrong here BIG TIME?
- He pretended to be interested in her subject, to give her a positive feeling – even though it was the last thing he would like to talk about
- He kept the dialogue superficial
- He didn’t take the lead once during the entire conversation
How could he have LED the conversation to her hanging on his lips?
Let’s see if we can find a better response for his first opportunity:
Combined with a slightly sarcastic undertone and a big smirk.
If you think that TEASING could be a solution, then you’ve hit the jackpot.
Through teasing her, you trigger emotions. Because you can call her out in a light-hearted and simultaneously indirect way, you make her aware of the boringness of her topic.
From there you can lead the conversation to topics which you genuinely think are interesting or ask her something you really want to know about her.
Good thing you asked. I wrote an entire article about the art of teasing, check it out:
Tip #5: How to make a connection? Ask THIS
Do you want to build a strong bond with her and find out how well you fit together?
Then sit down on your buttocks and brainstorm:
Create a list (but please don’t come up with the brilliant idea of taking it with you on your dates to tick off criteria she meets in her presence…).
Some inspiration for you:
- Is she light-hearted and does she understand fun?
- Is she trustworthy?
- Is she adventurous and spontaneous?
- Why does she do what she does?
- Is she motivated and striving for her biggest purpose?
Think about what kind of people you want to connect with in your life.
So, when you just met a new señorita, compare her to see if she can live up to your list and match your attitude to life.
Of course, you should ask the right questions to get a feel of who she is.
If you need some ideas of questions to ask a girl to know her better, read this article:
Tip #6: Test, how well the tinder burns
For me, humor is one of the most valuable character traits a person can have.
Therefore, I check the sense of humor of my date within the first 3 minutes.
How do I do it?
Like Bear Grylls.
No and by that I don’t mean that I taste the urine of strangers to test the degree of their humor…
I check how well the tinder (my date) reacts to my sparks (my humor).
When she ‘burns’ and laughs at my stupid anecdotes and even replies with similar stories or jokes, I know I have good match in front of me.
If she reacts seriously / shocked / angry, I know immediately she probably isn’t the best match for me.
It can be hard to meet a girl who’s a good match for you.
Hell, it’s even harder if you live in a small town.
You have to be smart in choosing your places. Good thing I wrote an article about this:
Tip #7: Story Time
This is how to make a connection with someone fast.
If you should internalize one tip from this article into the depths of your synapses, then it’s this one right here:
Be 100 % honest and share your:
- Deepest fears and secrets
- Personal experiences / stories
- Biggest goals and dreams
With that, you not only gain huge amounts of respect, but also inspire her to be as vulnerable as possible as well.
Make sure you cover topics that move YOU.
For example, talk about things you want to achieve in your life.
Be shameless about how ‘riding on Central African giraffes’ is among the top five things on your bucket list.
(If that is on your bucket list)
Tell her about your personal successes and how you failed at first.
Maybe you’re thinking:
Bro. Try it out and see what happens.
She will love you for that or at least see you as a respectable boss.
- By opening up to her, she feels more comfortable with you. You seem like a man, who doesn’t have something to hide.
- You save yourself a lot of time. You filter whether she ‘suits’ to you or not. Doesn’t she fit you? Then, feel free to end the date prematurely in a respectful manner. She will thank you for saving her time as well.
Women love men that aren’t afraid of being vulnerable and honest about how they feel.
Of course, there are other things women find attractive in men. Read this article to know more:
Bonus-tip: If you never ask – you never know…
Imagine your date tells you that she likes horse riding.
A bad question would be:
No matter if her answer is 2 weeks, 3 months or 5 years – you really don’t learn much about her.
Let’s take some advice from our friend Jackie Chan:
And that’s exactly what I want you to do.
Find out her WHY.
And ask her something like this:
With these inconspicuous words, you will find out what really motivates her to horse ride and get to know ‘the hidden layers of the rest of the iceberg’.
Her personal experiences, which she shares with you, will give you a profound sense of her personality at the same time:
For example, she is animal-loving and values her health (and how horse riding involves both).
Connection summary: Open The F*ck Up!
Take the scepter of conversation into your hand and begin to open up to your dates / partner (if you are currently in a relationship).
F*ck superficialities and connect with each other FOR REAL.
You’ll be surprised, how much your life will change once you start being 100% honest and shamelessly vulnerable to your date, girlfriend, wife, and even family and friends.
Once you learn how to make a connection with people, you will find out experiences, stories and traits about them that you might not have expected in your wildest dreams.
Your new philosophy of life from now on will be:
And to go next-level in your flirting and conversation skills, I have for you:
My Transformation Kit. Get it here, it’s free!
See you in the penthouse of vulnerability!
Your favorite dating coach,
Dan de Ram