Coming across more confident. How do you do it?
You probably still get weak in the knees when you have to go on stage.
You are in doubt whether to ask that question or not.
You are drowning in sweat when you want to meet that attractive person.
- 11 Tips and one insightful exercise that will make you more confident
- 3 Blind spot errors, which makes people see through your confidence
- How to start every presentation or group chat with 100% confidence
- A flowchart to change your negative inner voice to your personal motivational speaker
- Having trouble maintain eye contact? The way to master eye contact from your fatboy
- 5 Ways to be a better influence (with examples from WhatsApp)
- Which words you want to cut out of your vocabulary with clinical precision, so that people will take you more serious
- And much more confidence increasing goodness….
By the way, have you seen my free Transformation Kit?
You'll get my best stuff absolutely free: 12 Opening lines that actually work, my 5 best texting tips (including copy-paste lines for Tinder), and the Friendzone Houdini. Download the Transformation Kit here.
Increase your confidence by feeding yourself with fear
Okay, actually it was me who said this. But it was a bit too much to quote myself on the first line of this article, even for me.
However, this quote is as true as the truth gets.
- As soon as you enter the presentation hall
- When you are at social event with unknown people
- The moment when you’re across the table from your potential new boss
- Those times when her goldilocks are waving gently in the wind
In these moments you might notice a lack of confidence.
Your inner voice is consuming all your confidence like a hungry tapeworm.
Perhaps it even feels as if you’re bolted to the ground, unable to move.
Don’t ‘try’ to change. At AttractionGym we make change
Your inner voice, your fear, is controlling you now:
- You start stumbling over your words like an ice skater trying to participate in hurdles.
- You are being socially awkward in the corner, having a conversation with your glass of beer.
- You don’t know how to show the best version of yourself, not landing that new job.
- The last thing you remember of that attractive girl is her smell lingering in your nostrils, while seeing her silhouette fade in the distance
There is only one thing you wish for in these moments:
But let me tell you:
In moments like this, I’m just as scared.
There is only one difference between you and me.
When you are anxious, knees weak, and arms are heavy.
In those moments you most likely think:
While a winner thinks:
Let me tell you something:
Fear and confidence are not each other’s opposites.
You are not either anxious OR confident.
It’s YOU who capitulates under the pressure of anxiety. It’s also YOU who decides to take action under that pressure anyway.
Even better yet… those moments of anxiety give you a chance to increase your confidence.
Moments of anxiety will give you the following choices:
- I run away and have my confidence take hit after hit
- I run in head first and actually increase my confidence
There is no middle ground
Your confidence in anxious moments either increases, or plummets deep down into a dark abyss
You either give up, or you win.
So the next time you’re in an anxious moment, tell yourself the following:
“Who do I want to be?
A Winner or a loser?”
The next quote (not mine, this time) perfectly summarizes this tip:
I didn’t believe him. I asked him:
How can a man be brave if he is afraid?
That’s the only time a man can be brave, he told me.”
That’s why the next tip will show how to obliterate that inner voice of doom.
Now that it’s clear how to show confidence, we’re going to hack your system.
By doing so we bring out the confidence that’s hiding deep down in you.
And you will face that anxious inner voice head-on.
When we get that confidence all the way up to the surface we’ll add a clarifying exercise. With this exercise you’ll learn how you can completely rely on your own strength, so you will never feel less than anyone else ever again.
Later in this article, we’ll delve deeper into specific situations where you want to show your confidence.
But first, that confidence has to reach the surface before we pull it completely out of that dark abyss.
To do just that, we start with 3 hacks to boost your confidence.
Tip #1: Do not give that inner voice of doom an inch of space (hack 1)
To get maximum results in every situation, instead of giving in to that fear, do the following.
I am certain that in some situations you already feel an impulse like this:
- You want to shout the answer to that question…
- You want to raise your hand to ask that important question
- You see an attractive woman with a beautiful body and impeccable style and decide that you want to meet her.
But after that inspiration, your inner voice of doom drops the Mother Of All Bombs and destroys that oh so beautiful impulse:
Then, 3 seconds later, someone else steals all the shine. Because he does seize the moment.
What if you would have seized the moment?
- You may have been complimented on your knowledge.
- You may have addressed a serious issue.
- You may have a nice date planned for next week.
But nope! All that you’re getting is a lukewarm ‘what-if’ feeling.
This ‘what-if” feeling haunts you for the rest of the day…
…Getting you all pissed off at yourself.
What if you did approach her? Maybe the two of you would be sitting in the sun, drinking a cup of coffee. Maybe you would have gotten her phone number… or more.
So next time you feel that oh so beautiful impulse, think what Shia LaBeouf would say:
JUST. DO. IT!
Believe in yourself, that when you respond on your impulse immediately, that you will be fine.
Immediately is the best moment to react to your impulse.
- Immediately say hi to people
- Immediately offer your friends a drink when you enter a bar
- Immediately approach that beautiful woman
Any moment later than immediately is too little too late and has a high probability to make it awkward.
So keep in mind:
The excuses you come up with and the resistance they offer is equal to the amount of space YOU give too your inner voice of doom.
Do not give that inner voice of doom an inch of space, by taking action now.
The first thing you can do to boost your confidence is by downloading my free Transformation Kit here.
Taking action immediately is also way more attractive to women. They like a direct approach over hesitant behavior.
Tip #2: To label is to disprove and show confidence (hack 2)
The next scientifically based method will make sure that you pull yourself out of emotional pain and aim yourself towards success.
When you’re feeling down in a moment where you need to show your confidence, taking action may seem like an uphill battle. One that requires complete mountaineering equipment. Including a climbing buddy to pull you up.
So what happens when you feel down?
You probably get frustrated with yourself.
Frustrated that you are not showing confidence.
I’m pretty sure you ranted at yourself like this at least once.
I had a neck for this as well when I was younger.
In short, what you’re doing is repressing your emotions hoping they will go away.
But this will actually boil your emotions. You put more pressure on them.
The feelings won’t go away like this.
In fact, the emotions will only get stronger.
So how do you make that down feeling disappear?
You name those feelings. Label them.
By labeling them, their power decreases.
The labeling of emotions is one of the most used resources of the FBI when dealing with hostage situations.
This will make the hostages feel better about their situation because they feel understood.
This way they can process their negative emotions by thinking about the perpetrators and about what is happening.
You might wonder if the labeling of emotions actually works. You already feel bad and then I tell you that you also need to think rationally about those emotions.
Take note. Associating words with emotions redirects your attention to the front of your brain.
This is the prefrontal cortex with is activated when to think about ‘problems’.
Instead of the back of your brain, the limbic system where all unwanted thoughts are.
By redirecting your attention your limbic system will be at ease.
And allows you to resolve your negative emotions.
So if you ever feel bad because you lack confidence at a given moment?
Label those feelings like a true FBI detective.
Tip #3: Your anchorage during the day (hack 3)
Here we discuss a quick way to boost your confidence and how to show confidence in your body language
You probably ran into this technique already somewhere on the internet in some crappy 2-bit feel-good blog.
The short explanation:
Standing in a wide and open body position for a few minutes which will make you feel good about yourself
Yes, the power-pose works…
But it’s not the best.
To stand in an extremely broad body position for a few minutes in some random place is weird and even cumbersome.
Which draws a lot of attention to you, making you conscious. Which in turn makes your confidence fall harder than a piano that is thrown out of a building.
Rendering the power-pose quite useless.
So that’s why!
Just for you, I have an effective way to radiate confidence all day long.
This technique is based on the fact that first impressions matter.
And when do you think first impressions are made?
If you already think the following….then chapeau:
Immediately, in the first second
For instance, the moment you walk through a door to enter a new room.
That’s why from now on, the door frame will be your anchorage to boost your confidence.
How exactly do you ask?
From now on, every time you walk through a door you quickly do the following bodyscan.
- Is my posture straight?
- Am I walking upright?
- Am I smiling?
Is the answer to these questions ‘yes’? Then you can be sure of making a confident entrance. And believe me, the people around you will take notice.
Take that first impression to the next level by adding the following:
Whenever you enter a new room with people, greet them loud and enthusiastically. Greet them as if they are your long lost friends you haven’t seen in years.
Hold yourself accountable to this anchorage…
…And always make a confident entrance
This is also what we teach during our coaching sessions. Participants can sometimes feel uncomfortable in a nightclub. With this technique, they enter in a pew-poof Lucky Luke style and within mere seconds they’re having a flirtatious conversation with a Lucky Lucy.
Before we continue with some insight from tisyourboyDonaldTrump. Something about how to show confidence when speaking.
Proper usage of your voice is paramount to show confidence when speaking publicly or in an interview.
Want to know more about flirtatious conversations with you Lucky Lucy? Then check out this article:
Tip #4: Speaking confident, like a boss
Now that you have a firm foundation of confidence from the previous tips we continue with a quick exercise.
This will make you see the confident dude you already are.
After this exercise, we go deeper into more specific situations where you want to be more confident.
- How you start a presentation calmly and make it into a true show of confidence
- How to tackle unknown situations head-on
- How important right choice of words is when you want to show authority in every area
- How to chance nervous eye contact into confident eye contact
- Why getting hit by McGregor’s left hook will give you confidence
- The 3 blind spot mistakes that people will see through easier than an open window
All of this after the next exercise.
Exercise: Stop comparing and become more confident
This is a quick exercise I did with a client during our personal Skype coaching not too long ago.
Afterward, he told me that he learned a lot about his own confidence. And that it helped prevent him talking himself a dark corner
His inner voice of doom became his personal motivator after this exercise.
So let’s start.
You probably have a friend that seems to have it ALL:
- He always has the spotlight on him, getting all the attention
- He looks just a little bit better than you
- Has the prettiest girlfriend of all your friends
- Always scores the winning point
- It looks like he’s got everything going for him
You probably look up to him, even if you’re taller than him.
There is even a wimp of jealousy in your pool of emotions.
A mistake that often is made (maybe you do this too??), is to compare yourself to your friend.
And by doing so you find out that he is indeed ‘one-upping’ you in everything you do.
But comparing yourself to him in this way is an atomic disaster for your confidence and self-respect.
I will explain later how this happens and why this is important for you .
First we are going to do the exercise that will make you believe in yourself for the full 100%
You may still look up to people after this, but at the same time you know your own strength.
Especially the jealousy will be gone and with that you’ll KO that inner voice of doom.
By the time you are aware of you own strength you will start to operate from it.
This kind of confidence will act like a HAZMAT-suit making sure no-one can influence you.
Your HAZMAT-suit for confidence made of iron
Protecting you from all negative emotions.
(And a 3rd arm)
Okay, so let’s go
Grab a paper and at least 3 different colors of pens, then we start with the first step of the exercise.
Think about 5 to 10 characteristics that are very important to you in yourself and in others.
I already wrote down 7 random characteristics to give you a little inspiration:
- Taking care of yourself
By the way, the more specific the characteristics the better.
You can also take them from the given list above if you think they are important.
Put the characteristics under each other, creating a X-axis.
In case you didn’t know yet… we are making a graph.
Can’t figure it out? Then scroll down a bit to see the example.
This one is nice and quick
Think of two persons:
- The first person is someone you admire. Someone you look up to, someone you would want to be even.
That one friend I talked about earlier
Let’s call him ‘Boss’ for now.
- The other person is someone you might think of as being below you. He may be less attractive, have bad job and according to you, he doesn’t take life by the horns. He’s in your opinion quite below average.
You think you are better than him
Let’s call him ‘Andy’,
You got these two persons in mind? Good, then let’s continue.
We’re almost there.
Put the numbers 0 to 10 from left to right, creating a Y-axis.
This is the score you will give each characteristic per person.
That was step 3 already, let’s keep going
Three different colors.
Give each person their own color and start with giving each person a score per characteristic.
I know you want to start with your own score.
You little rascal.
Start with Boss, then yourself, and end with your Average Andy.
For instance, you may think the following about ‘honesty’:
“Boss is actually never that honest. I can remember that he told me something that turned out to be a complete lie. That really sucked, I’ll give him a 5.
When it comes to ‘honesty’ I think I’m at a 7. It’s not always perfect but I’m not hurting anybody.
Andy on the other hand is the most honest person I know. How he does it? I don’t know. I will give him a 9”
For the following characteristic, say ‘confidence’ we do the same:
“Boss will get a 9 for sure. He is a f*cking boss.
With this characteristic, I’m kind of disappointed in myself. I wish I was as confident as Boss. Then at the end of each day, I would be as fulfilled as him. I will give myself a 5 at most.
Luckily Andy is below me… he really is a wet doormat. I’ll give him a 4.”
You do this as well for all the other characteristics.
I wrote along with the numbers a coachee gave me during a Skype coaching call.
The result might look different for you, #Excel… but the idea remains the same:
Great. Now you got a graph with characteristics and lines and stuff…Just great.
So what does this exercise teach you?
Take a good look at the progression of the lines. Now think back at how you initially thought of Boss.
You always see him as someone who is better at everything than you right?
You may have taken notice already, but in some characteristics, you score higher than Boss.
Boss is not as perfect as you might have thought.
Also, why do you think we picked a person of whom you think you are above him?
Not to bring that person down or make yourself feel better…
Maybe you score higher than Andy on confidence, but as you can see in the graph Andy scores higher on other characteristics than you, and even Boss.
What I want you to understand:
You are comparing yourself with a person whose (characteristic) trait you also want.
…Whether it’s singing, playing sports or success with women…
The person you’re comparing yourself to has already mastered it.
You are entering HIS playing field.
Can u expect to pick up a tennis racket for the first time and beating Federer, on his playing field?
You want to compare his strong traits against your own strong traits. This will make you see you are already just as a boss as Boss and even excel in other traits.
As you already know:
Stop comparing yourself in certain areas with people who are experts in that area.
If you think that there is always someone better than you and you compare yourself on the strongest traits with someone else.
Then winning is nearly impossible.
Let’s quickly move on with the other tips to weld the upper layers of your confidence shut.
Tip #5: Ingenious Insight, from your boy Trump
How do you join the successful people, and their super-secret clubhouse?
Before I spill the beans, let me first drop some lyrics for you:
that’ll never be known.
And this is for all the soldiers,
that’ll never come home.”
Very dope rapper.
If you are into hip hop, then make sure to check him out.
Something Donald Trump wrote in his book: ‘Art of the Deal’ made me think of this quote.
If you translate this to showing confidence, there is a rock-solid lesson to be learned here.
So what does trump write?
Somewhere on this planet there are a couple of men with more talent for golf than Jack Nicklaus or women with better tennis skills than Martina Navratilova. But they will never swing that golf club or tennis racket, never finding out how good they could be. Instead, they are satisfied by watching these star-athletes on the television.”
Somewhere on this planet there are a couple of men with more talent for golf than Jack Nicklaus or women with better tennis skills than Martina Navratilova.
But they will never swing that golf club or tennis racket, never finding out how good they could be.
Instead, they are satisfied by watching these star-athletes on the television.”
It’s a lesson that is rarely taught these days.
But it’s actually very applicable for men that want to be more confident.
(And are afraid to fail at the same time)
You see, the biggest mistake these men make is:
They. Don’t. Enter. The. Game.
Maybe recognize it in yourself:
In group conversations all you do is listen, the game time you get is on the sideline, you don’t take any chances at work, and at you don’t approach any women when you are at a bar.
(But when you come home in the early hours you have enough mental pictures to masturbate to)
I bet that out of 100 men, probably 70 of them have more talent, better looks, or a better background than I do.
But because you have never picked up a tennis racket and served a ball, you’ll never discover your talent.
Showing confidence is picking up that tennis racket or golf club from the ground for the first time and giving it a good swing.
Find your talents and figure out how confident you really are by experimenting.
You never know what’s possible until you risk finding out.
Tip #6: How you start each presentation relaxed
Do you know that feeling you get, just before going on stage to give a presentation?
Adrenaline pumping through your veins.
These seconds are killing
Almost as if you scored a super deal at an auction but still have to wait 5 seconds to find out if you really are the highest bidder.
Those seconds quickly turn into hours…
And in these seconds you start doubting:
- If your presentation is of sufficient quality…
- If you will be tong-tied…
- Whether your viewers will destroy your confidence with their criticism…
When you start speaking nervously, you’ve got a high pitched voice, not conveying your message properly, and end up being at a loss for words.
Making you self-conscious.
Every neuron in your brain starts firing at the same time.
And before you know, you start tripping over your words like a drunk teenager on spring break.
You can kiss your presentation goodbye.
That’s why I will give you a tip now to flush all that anxiety out of your system.
So that you will completely ace that presentation for a full 100%.
This actually saved my ass during presentations back in the day.
At the beginning of your presentation, ask your audience a question related to the subject.
Let the audience have the first word.
Give yourself a little moment of rest.
So you can start slowly when you start speaking to your audience.
This will make everything much more relaxed and a lot less formal.
After that you give a banger of a presentation in all calmness.
Here are three more tips to emphasize your presentation to give it that ‘oomph’:
- Before and during your presentation make eye contact with the audience, one by one
- Shake people’s hands and chat them up for a little bit. “How are you doing?”
- Before the presentation starts ask if everyone has a cup of tea or coffee.
Flush that anxiety out of your system by starting with some fluff before you delve into the topic of your presentation.
Tip #7: Mastering eye contact from your Fatboy
Creating love by watching someone in the eye?
It is possible
According to research, watching a person in the eye for two minutes will create the following:
- “Personal interest”
- “Feelings of love”
From my own experience I can tell that eye contact is a very strong tool to create attraction and sexual tension.
That’s why you want to practice it. A LOT.
Practice until you can look with smoldering intensity and undress everyone with your eyes.
Yeah, I know you catch a glimpse of her each day
Of course you can practice this on other people.
But you can start form your chair just as easy, just watching at your screen.
Check it out. And make sure to watch it full screen.
Tip #8: Everybody thinks the same, do you?
You will experience a new kind of freedom after learning this.
You probably spend some time waiting for a train, bus or a friend in a public place.
You are not the only one.
There are more people around.
What do you do?
Probably reach down your pants…
And take out your phone.
Now you start swiping enthusiastically or staring interested at your screen as if you are reading about a scientific breakthrough about flirting with women by flirt coach Dan de Ram.
(Or this article about confidence)
Maybe you are being more productive, scrolling through you Facebook, Twitter of Instagram feed. Hoping to see new posts…
…Or swiping aimlessly through all you apps from left to right.
Am I right?
Just to be sure that no one notices you.
Maybe someone will think you are a weirdo for not having a screen in front of your eyes.
And God forbid you lock eyes with someone and feeling is penetrating stare…
Reality though… is completely different.
Everybody has the same mindset of minding my own business. Not a single person is looking around just to make you feel bad about not having a screen in front of your eyes.
This is exactly what I want you to know:
Everybody is minding their own business.
By understanding this you can actually do whatever you want (don’t break any laws though), and become a much freer person.
During coaching sessions, it tends to happen that I send a coachee to approach a woman that is in a store.
After a little pep talk and a fancy one-liner, the coachee approaches the woman.
While the first coachee is talking to the woman, I tell the other coachee to pay attention to the other people in the store.
He thinks that all eyes are honed in on the coachee and woman having a flirty conversation
But fake news doesn’t get any faker than this.
People barely turn their heads when the coachee speaks his words. While every approached woman’s eyes start to twinkle.
That’s how much people mind their own business.
So if you think that you are constantly being watched, think again bromigo.
Tip #9: What you can learn from Conor McGregor (Blind Spot 1)
You can change all your words in gold, but yours probably have some oxidation on them.
Let’s get rid of that.
What I mean by changing your words in gold:
Is that everything you say, becomes reality.
Conor McGregor can teach you a thing or two about this.
He has done it multiple times as UFC-lightweight champion…
- He doesn’t just say that he’ll beat you
- He doesn’t just say in what round he’ll beat you
- He will also tell you how he knocks you out
Oh and…. He also makes it happen.
Something a lot of people can learn from.
What many people do is just talk the talk.
They always show-off feathers thinking their opinion is the right one:
- “No you’re wrong… It works like this…”
- [While interrupting you] “Yea, that also happened to me when I was on vacation…”
- “You can improve on that” but doesn’t give you any advice…
But do you see these people also walk the walk?
Probably not that often.
They’re like a wet towel leaving wet spots all over the place. Without the spine of Conor to also do what they say.
These people only talk about their ‘success’ and tell OTHERS how they should act according to them.
A person showing confidence acts differently;
He tells with 100% certainty what he will do and then put 100% effort in to make it happen
Who do you want to be?
Conor McGregor, or the embodiment of a limp, wet towel?
Tip #10: How to cure crippling procrastination (Blind Spot 2)
Do you ever tell yourself one of the following things?
- “I need coffee to start my day”
- “Oooh, I will do that tomorrow”
- “But I don’t know how”
No, you don’t need a coffee g to start. You can start right now.
Knowledge and experience will come along the way, the rest you can find on the internet.
Rest and relaxation can be done by the time you’re snuggled in between six planks.
Excuses will only hold you back from reaching your goals.
And reaching your goals is done outside your comfort zone.
If you start doing a few things that are outside your comfort zone, you will see that in hindsight it wasn’t all that bad.
This doesn’t mean you have grind continuously or doing weird jackass stunts all the time.
Also, take your rest. Rest is part of training and growing and will energize you and give you new motivation
Just know what you can accomplish by getting off your phat ass and grind.
Excuses will assassinate your life. Russian KGB style. Inconspicuously at first but lethal in the long term.
Tip #11: Words that will disprove your confidence (Blind Spot 3)
There is a big change that you’re sabotaging your own verbal super powers.
This will make people lose interest much sooner than necessary when conversing with them.
In a moment you’ll find out if you really sabotage your speech. And when you change this your words will hit harder than Superman’s first.
Once we had coach-in-training who told us that everything was ‘just’ normal.
After hearing this for 15 minutes my toes started to curl in my shoes.
Because nothing is ‘just’ normal.
(He actually made another mistake, did you see it?)
Nothing we teach is ‘just’ normal.
I tell the coach-in-training:
… ‘Fucking awesome’”
Approach her fucking awesome. Give her a fucking awesome compliment. Use this fucking awesome technique.
Okay, I don’t want you to curse at women, and I’m also not in favor of fucking up your vocabulary with swear words.
But it highlights exactly what most men do wrong:
They sabotage their own verbal power.
With crutch words made of Kryptonite like:
- Ending your sentence with “right?”
Honestly, maybe I should just try to make this uhhh list a little longer with uhhh basically at least one more, right?
Stop this verbal rape of your vocabulary.
Communicate with extreme clarity and you will see that people like to listen to you.
Superman has no doubt.
A confident man has no doubt.
YOU have no doubt.
Your words only contain certainty
Skyrocket your confidence with my free tool
For another heap of advice to come across confident over text with + numerous tips for awesome conversations, and a bonus about approaching women confidently, check:
Filled with tips and one-liners to show your confidence and to prepare you for what’s to come.
Click the link and check it out.
Dan de Ram