Your relationship changed recently, but the reason isn’t clear to you.
Change, however, is there to be seen: sex and intimacy have (almost) disappeared.
Today, we will discuss why there is no sex drive in the relationship and how to bring it back.
In this article, you will:
- Find a scientific explanation for the lack of intimacy in your relationship
- Learn one simple yet powerful technique to seduce your partner
- Get a way to increase your attraction
- Uncover 3 steps to process sexual trauma
- Get 5 ways to kill the “intimacy terrorist”
- … Many more tips that show how to get the intimacy back.
By the way, have you seen my free Transformation Kit?
You'll get my best stuff absolutely free: 12 Opening lines that actually work, my 5 best texting tips (including copy-paste lines for Tinder), and the Friendzone Houdini. Download the Transformation Kit here.
But first, what is the difference between intimacy and sex?
The level of intimacy describes the degree to which you a) feel connected and b) are willing to make a lasting connection.
This level depends on how much you trust each other – the more you do, the more willing you are to be vulnerable.
And what happens if people are more willing to be vulnerable?
Answer: they are more likely to get physical and share their deepest thoughts and feelings.
Consequently, the greater the chance they will ultimately feel connected.
Now, my guess is that something has happened in your relationship which makes you uncomfortable to be vulnerable with your beloved one.
Resulting in a decrease of shared intimacy.
Both physically and emotionally.
The term “intimacy” can be roughly divided into physical intimacy and emotional intimacy.
As a result of:
- Emotional intimacy, the partners wish to express their inner world to each other.
- Physical intimacy, the partners feel the need to fuse physically.
Physical intimacy refers not only to sex, but also to hugging, cuddling, and spooning.
Physical intimacy, and in particular sex, is the main focus of this article.
After applying the things you learned from this article, your longing for physical fusion will be greater than Hugh Hefner’s sex drive.
That said, let’s dive in!
Reason #1: How to keep your sex life exciting
In the next few minutes, you will get a golden tip that ensures a quick return to the horizontal mambo in the bedroom.
First, I’ll argue that every relationship begins with a lot of healthy tension.
The first few dates, the first sex, the first holiday as a couple—these are all fun and exciting moments, and a bit scary at the same time.
Of course, you want to make a good impression.
That’s why you put your best foot forward with every new experience.
But after a while, the new experiences become scarce.
You have been on holiday together several times; you know each other’s parents; you have heard all of your partner’s most important stories.
As a result, your relationship has become somewhat predictable.
That’s a pity because unpredictability generally spurs the production of dopamine.
Most men know, for example, that a blowjob out of nowhere is more exciting than an expected blowjob.
What’s more, after the honeymoon phase, you and your partner feel less pressure to make the best possible impression.
Perhaps you’ve somewhat forgotten each other’s value, or you’re taking each other for granted.
Slowly but surely, you pay less attention to your figure. You listen less carefully to your partner. You fail to show appreciation. You engage in less foreplay.
Perhaps you are aware of this insidious neglect and say to yourself:
And you are probably right; your partner really loves you.
But there is one major problem.
If you take your partner for granted, the attraction may fall by the wayside.
Less attraction means less sex, or sometimes: no sex in the relationship at all.
So, does being together feel as normal as seeing the blue sky?
Then you will go through a dry spell together.
How do you breathe life into your sex life?
By introducing …
- Do new things together. Do you both like sushi? Join a sushi workshop.
- Try bringing up new topics for discussion, such as, “Where in the world do you most want to go?” “What is a skill you would like to learn?” or “What’s something you’ve always wanted to do but have never done?”
Constantly introduce new things to the relationship so that it stays exciting.
Reason being, as long as there is tension, there is also attraction … and thus desire for physical intimacy.
Reason #2: The factors that terrorize your physical intimacy
Before we go down the rabbit hole and search for the factor that terrorizes your physical intimacy, let me pose an important question:
How important is sex in your relationship?
Let me illustrate why this question is relevant.
I once knew a couple who both were fairly uninterested in sex.
Playing around under the covers once a week was rare.
This worked well for a long time; they were happy.
But then the wife began taking birth-control pills, and BOOM.
She changed into an insatiable play bunny, and her poor partner couldn’t keep up with her incredible libido.
Her crazy sex drive ultimately ended the relationship.
Therefore, the following is essential:
Know how high sex is on your partner’s priority list.
Are you not a sexual match?
Then your relationship is already shaky.
And a petty argument is likely to push it into the abyss.
Are you a sexual match, but you’ve discovered that the acrobatics disappeared from the bedroom?
The explanation may lie in your bodies.
Perhaps one of you has lost sexual arousal because of a lifestyle change. For example:
- A less healthy diet
- More work stress
- Less sleep
- Less exercise
- An increase in the use of alcohol and drugs
The use of the contraceptive pill also belongs on this list of factors that influence the libido.
Has your or your partner’s lifestyle changed recently?
Revert to the prior stage and see if that solves your bedroom problem.
Does lifestyle change involve prescription medication from the doctor?
Do not stop the medication without first discussing it with your doctor.
With a bit of luck and some effort (healthy living is far from easy), you and your partner will keep the neighbors awake every night again.
Reason #3: She never wants sex in the relationship
It’s possible that your girlfriend is turned on but does not want sex because she has …
What the F*** is that?
It is a nasty condition in which the muscles around the vagina tighten when the woman anticipates sexual contact.
Sometimes the muscles are so strong that it appears that the vagina is “locked.” In this case, it doesn’t even allow a finger to pass through, let alone an erect penis. In other words, no sex for you if you don’t take it seriously.
Fortunately for both of you, vaginismus is treatable, provided she is willing to cooperate.
In fact, vaginismus is psychological in almost all cases.
In other words, she (unconsciously) tightens her muscles out of fear.
Perhaps she had a painful sexual experience and now fears that penetration will hurt again.
Other reasons for vaginismus are fear of:
- Pregnancy or STDs
- Sex because it’s “dirty,”
- Giving control to her partner
- Being a bad partner in bed
How do you help her get over her vaginismus?
Step one: Be very understanding.
She likely links a traumatic experience to sex, and you want to help her process that experience.
The next step is to determine the source of her fear.
The fear of pain from penetration and the fear of pregnancy are two completely different phobias.
Therefore, each requires a different approach.
If you know what is bothering her, you can calmly discuss her fear and dismantle it, piece by piece. However, I would not spontaneously start this conversation over a glass of wine on a Friday evening. Instead, I’d seek out the help of a professional.
The last step is mindful sex: Don’t jump her like an oversexed monkey, but work very calmly and carefully under the sheets.
In fact, don’t even dive into bed until the mood is right.
Think candles, incense, a glass of wine, clean bedding, massage oil, and sex toys.
Finally, make it clear to her that nothing is necessary.
Is the mood right? Explore her body with your hands and lips, and delay penetration for as long as possible.
Does the deed fail?
No problem. There is always next time.
Reason #4: There is a hidden risk in the ‘relational’ game
If there is no sex in the relationship, the physical intimacy of your relationship will probably be bitten to death by a nasty monster called wealth.
Normally, I would agree with you.
There is always an exception though.
Let me illustrate the problem with luxury.
Suppose your elderly neighbor rings the doorbell and wants to borrow salt.
Which of the following three options do you choose?
- You shout, “Leave me alone!” and slam the door in her face.
- You give her one spoon of salt.
- You give her a whole cup of salt and say, “Have fun, neighbor.”
If you are like most people, you choose option C.
Why are we so easy with lending salt?
We have plenty of salt, so we give it away easily. But that was not always the case.
Back in the days, salt was extremely valuable: it was not only sprinkled over your meal, but also used for food preservation, clothing coloring, cleaning, and much more.
Due to the high demand for salt, it was a fairly scarce, and thus precious product.
How does this relate to restoring physical intimacy in your relationship?
In the same way we now underestimate salt, you’ll probably underestimate your partner.
Reason being, grabbing the attention of your sweetheart is as easy as getting salt.
Or does your partner underestimate you? Either way, it is at the expense of physical intimacy.
How do you get this intimacy back?
By creating scarcity.
In other words, by seeing each other just a little too little.
Don’t distance yourself artificially now.
Immerse yourself, however, a little more in your hobbies, work, and your circle of friends.
This way, you and your partner will miss each other and want to get dirty together.
Reason #5: You are the problem
It is quite possible that your partner isn’t in the mood for sex because of YOU.
Relax, your baby still cares about you.
The reason for the lack of lovemaking?
You are not working on cultivating your attraction!
Because as the tip above shows, we are getting tired of the familiar.
So how do you boost your appeal? Before we get into that, we need to know what’s attractive.
Let me explain.
Heterosexual men are usually attracted to women with:
- Round and flexible shapes
- Youthful looks
- Soft skin
- Elegant and smooth movements
- Female behavior
Heterosexual women tend to be attracted to men with:
- Large and solid shapes
- Adult looks
- Rough and slightly hairy skin
- Sultry movements
- Male behavior
Mind you, I’m talking in generic terms, and of course different people like different things – it’s entirely possible that you or your partner have different tastes. Those features tend to be valid for most people, that’s all.
I can tell you right away that the most attractive for men and women is not looks but …
It’s the expression of that.
Do you want to drive your partner wild?
Embody masculinity or femininity. Pretty abstract.
Fortunately, I make these concepts a lot more practical in my daily motivation newsletter.
Furthermore, relationship and flirting tips also regularly appear in this newsletter.
So, do you want to become as attractive as possible to your partner?
Take the first step by subscribing to the newsletter.
This way, you become a little more attractive every day.
Click here for the daily motivation newsletter and immediately get three techniques to make your girlfriend laugh.
Reason #6: A dilemma that affects more than sex
The next dilemma is so powerful that it hurts not just your sex life, but the entire relationship.
That sounds very scary, but no worries.
With the insights from this tip, you can keep the relationship on track and towards an intimate future.
What is the damaging dilemma that burns a bigger hole in the relationship than a flamethrower?
If you don’t communicate well, you open the door to misunderstandings.
You also create a dangerous distance.
This will destroy your emotional intimacy and therefore murder your physical intimacy.
Reminder, a relationship is about two people who go through life as a team.
If each team member makes their own decisions, there is hardly a team.
How can you learn to communicate better?
With the following five short tips:
- Stop yelling. By raising your voice, you’re actually imposing your opinion on your partner. You almost imply: ‘it is my way or the high way!’ This sort of communication is toxic to your relationship.
- Don’t automatically apologize after every argument or incident. Apologizing may feel loving, but it does more harm than good. If you always say sorry, you probably do it to end the conflict rather than resolve it. And thus, the problem persists.
- Don’t speak in absolutes. Erase these words from your vocabulary: “you always do…” or “you never do…”. Why? First of all, that’s probably not true. Moreover, the other feels attacked by it. It is better to give concrete examples: “When you do [this], I feel [like this], and I am fed up with that.”
- Even if your partner is acting up in your eyes, never tell them how they should be feeling. Debunking your partner’s emotions is simply awful.
- Be careful with assumptions about the relationship. Your partner cannot read your mind. In addition, everyone has their ideas and expectations of a relationship. Therefore, discuss in time what you want from each other.
If you apply the above five tips, you will have a healthy and intimate relationship.
Reason #7: You don’t bring your ‘A’ game to the bedroom
Let’s assume you’re not a super bad –pun intended– lover like Fogell. Read this article if you are.
Even the most experienced lovers will scratch their heads in the bedroom if they have been together long enough.
Hundreds of studies confirm this lack of passion and provide the following explanation: hedonic adaptation, or: “the process of getting used to stuff.”
At some point, one gets used to everything and even the most exciting roller coaster becomes boring.
Same goes for sex.
In fact, sexually, we get bored the most quickly.
The more times we have sex with the same partner, the less feel-good hormones we produce during the act.
This boredom usually occurs after two years of being together.
Although it can also be rather boring if your bedroom acrobatics are standard.
How do you bring the tension back to the bedroom?
By introducing new things.
Yes I know. You’ve heard it before, but it’s true: new shit arouses desire.
What specific things am I talking about?
A new toy, a different location, a role-play, or a sexy outfit.
Furthermore, I have an important question for all male readers:
If not, you are underperforming as a lover.
Do you regularly bring your girlfriend to her peak? My compliments. But I also have a tip for you: women can have multiple orgasms.
One more intense than the other.
If this is something new for you, then you deprive your girlfriend of the ultimate pleasure.
And that’s a shame.
Especially when you consider that her moderate climax is the reason why your bedroom sees less action than the bingo night in the retirement home.
If you want to get weird more often, give her new unforgettable experiences.
Not sure where to start?
Use our SexGod Method and watch your girlfriend suddenly pull you into the bedroom.
Bonus tip: The 100-day rule
Do you apply ALL the tips of the article and is the physical intimacy still not there? Don’t accept this, because no sex in a romantic relationship means no healthy relationship. More to the point, a sexless relationship (less than once a month) cannot last.
How to deal with a sexless relationship?
Stick to the 100-day rule.
What do I mean by that?
Make a MAXIMUM commitment to the relationship for the next 100 days.
So, don’t fall back into old bad habits, but play the role of an ideal partner.
Be open in your communication. Stay calm during mishaps. Put your phone away when you talk to her. Pamper her without transforming into her lap dog.
And all of this from the intention of giving love.
Do you give it your EVERYTHING for 100 days and notice that the intimacy is still lacking?
Then I have bad news …
The relationship isn’t working.
A non-working relationship doesn’t mean you don’t love each other.
It simply means that you two are better apart than together.
Before you commit to that 100-day rule, I have an essential question for you:
‘Can you be a good partner for 100 days?’
It is quite a task and from HUNDREDS of interviews with different couples, I came to a nasty conclusion: most people are insanely bad at relationships.
So, do you doubt your skills as a romantic partner?
Then the 100-day rule is of little use.
Because maybe the problem is not with your partner, but with yourself.
In this case, you might want to work more on your personal development.
A good place to start is my free Transformation Kit.
You’ll not only grow as a person, but also learn powerful ways to keep your relationship sexual.
That brings us to the end of the article.
Do you have any questions?
Throw it in the comments.
Dan de Ram