Whether it’s on the street, in a nightclub or through online dating:
You would like to be chatting away with women but have no idea how to start a conversation…
Luckily these frustrations will become ancient history after reading this article.
Because today you will get:
- 17 Practical tips for a great start to any conversation
- How you keep the conversation going without awkward silences
- Tips on starting a conversation with a girl online
- How to break the ice (in the daytime or a nightclub)
- Why you want to be playing football rather than ping-pong
- 15+ Good conversation starter examples
- And lots more…
By the way, have you seen my free Transformation Kit?
You'll get my best stuff absolutely free: 12 Opening lines that actually work, my 5 best texting tips (including copy-paste lines for Tinder), and the Friendzone Houdini. Download the Transformation Kit here.
How do you start a conversation?
If I had a buck for every time someone asked me this question; then I would be as rich as Bill Gates by now.
I always get asked this question when I am coaching men in flirting with women.
And I understand why.
Approaching women is already challenging in itself, let alone starting a good conversation.
That’s why I’ll help you out today. In this article, you will learn how to start a conversation that instantly sparks attraction.
Not only that. You will also learn how you keep your conversation going and make it exciting so she’ll hang onto your every word.
But before I show you all this, I’ve got some bad news for you…
And what this bad news is all about, you’ll read in the first tip.
Tip #1: Everything you need to know about pick-up lines
No pick-up lines for you today.
And I’m not doing this to bully you.
I’m intentionally not giving you any pick-up lines for this reason:
Pick-up lines are highly overrated.
People all too often ask me questions like:
- What is the best pick-up line?
- What is the first thing you say to a woman?
- Do you have any funny pick-up lines?
My response to these people is always the same:
Stop focusing on the perfect pick-up line.
The perfect pick-up line doesn’t exist. Especially in nightclubs, your first words are usually unheard by women anyway.
There are a couple of things way more important than that cheesy pick-up line…
(And if you really need to have them, then you can find a bunch here.) < online soon
What those things are, you’ll discover in this next tip.
Tip #2: Starting a conversation? Pay attention to the following…
Left your obsession with pick-up lines behind for a second?
Nice. Then we can focus on what is actually important when you strike up a conversation:
- Body language.
- Facial expression.
- Your vibe. (Yep, sounds vague. I’ll explain this soon).
First, let’s take a closer look at body language.
Imagine you spotted an absolute stunner babe. You decide to grow a pair and start a conversation with her.
Your pick-up line is perfect. Yet she still ignores you, because this is your appearance:
- Hands in your pockets.
- A hunched back
- You lean in too far
- You make yourself smaller
Part of you knows that body language is important, yet you often forget this in the heat of the moment.
Stay calm and be aware of this.
Stand up straight. Make yourself big. Keep your hands next to your body, and make big gestures when you speak.
These things reflect calmness and confidence. These boost your chances of getting a (positive) reaction from her end.
Next up… your facial expression. Do you think a woman wants to chat with a man who puts on a face like this:
(Make your expression GREAT again).
Girls wanna have fun. When you start a conversation, make sure that she thinks the following:
Your body language and facial expression are crucial aspects of the vibe you are giving off.
‘Vibe’ may now sound pretty vague and floaty, but it is quite simple.
Imagine that a dodgy homeless person approaches you… how does this make you feel? Chances are, you feel his negative needy vibe.
But say this person is a friend who is thrilled to see you… then how do you feel?
This is the big difference that your vibe makes. Always make sure you’re giving off positive, friendly vibes before starting a conversation with a girl.
- Body language on point? Check.
- Facial expression to turn frowns upside down? Check.
- Happy, positive vibes? Triple check.
As you’re all set for starting a good conversation, we will now dive into what exactly you should be saying…
Tip #3: The Carnegie principle
Dale Carnegie has written the book How to Win Friends and Influence People.
(Strongly recommended btw. Not only for picking up women but to become more social in general).
One of the most important lessons in the book is as follows:
(This is what I call the “Carnegie principle”).
A lot of men are so incredibly afraid of dropping silences in their conversations…
Others try to impress a woman about how “cool” they are.
But of course, both of these will totally backfire.
To have a good conversation it is extremely important to be interested in the other person. At AttractionGym we teach people everything about authentic attractiveness without cheap tricks.
You can show your interest in lots of ways. Also by asking the right questions…
You’ll get some good conversation questions in the next tip.
Tip #4: Lose the facts, go with opinions
When asking questions, the Average Joe always asks the same old boring questions:
- Where are you from?
- What do you do?
- What are your hobbies?
Now, that’s a good question.
I’ll give you a proper answer right away:
The above questions are factual.
The average man loves factual questions. Because by asking one after another, you can easily avoid those awkward silences…
Until you run out of factual questions…
And then the Average Andy starts panicking like a scaredy-cat:
No need to panic if you run out of factual questions.
Be glad you ran out.
Now the factual questions are gone, the real conversation can start.
A lot of boring conversations start with factual questions. Once these are out of the way, it makes way for the fuel for every conversation:
Ask for opinions instead of facts.
Opinions inspire way more interesting conversations than just exchanging facts.
Ask questions such as:
- What do you think of this club?
- What do you think of those two touchy people next to you?
- What would you change about this congress/party/gathering?
- What do you think of that weird dancing guy?
Wherever the conversation takes place and whatever it’s about, you can always ask about her opinion on a lot of things.
Interested in more inspiration on conversation topics?
Then check out this article:
Tip #5: Yes, you’re also part of the conversation
Let me explain.
Asking for opinions is useful. The Carnegie principle is useful. These are always better than just bragging about yourself…
But this doesn’t mean that you can never talk about yourself. Just like it doesn’t mean you should keep your kisser shut at all times.
Also add value to the conversation yourself.
If you’re only asking questions, the ball will be in her court constantly.
However, a good conversation requires participation from both sides, not only hers or yours.
So if you have a funny/interesting story or anecdote… by all means: share it.
Still struggling with what to say?
Have a look at the following article:
Tip #6: Beware of the “drug dealer” trap…
After a night of coaching in Barcelona, I was making my way back to my apartment around 2 in the morning.
I was still enjoying the successes of my coachee’s (one of them had made out with 3 ladies, the other was even more intimate with a woman), I was suddenly approached by a hawker.
Street hawkers are everywhere in Barcelona. Even at night. Usually, they try to sell you a beer, water, or soggy sandwiches.
Same story with this dude.
He shouted in my face as I passed him.
I responded politely.
Then the seller mumbled:
This trick is often used by street hawkers:
First, they shout they’re selling beer or water, then they quietly offer drugs on the down-low.
Drug dealers don’t want to get busted, so they keep it quiet.
Makes sense right?
That’s why we associate speaking softly with devious things. Something that needs to stay secret.
So if speaking softly is linked with drug dealers, creeps and other dodgy people…
Then why do most men speak so softly at the beginning of their conversation?
The answer is straightforward: anxiety. When anxious, you find it difficult to raise your voice. It might be you’re afraid to get rejected and don’t want anyone to overhear.
But, valued reader, here’s a piece of advice you’ll be thanking me for:
Make yourself heard!
If you start a conversation, speak louder than you’re used to.
You can practice this by reading this article aloud. Keep reading out loud until you feel that you are speaking quite loudly.
(Chances are you’re still speaking too softly. Oh, and you can stop reading aloud btw).
Keep in mind: the louder you speak, the better she’ll hear you. You’ll also appear much more masculine and self-confident.
So it’s more than worth it.
If you want 17 example phrases for your conversations, then download them here for free.
You’ll also get access to my daily motivation newsletter.
Check them out and use them tonight!
Find them here. < online soon
Tip #7: Starting a conversation on the streets? Here’s how!
You’re walking down the street and you see the girl of your dreams… what would the Average Andy do?
- Keep walking.
- Pretend he didn’t see her.
- Check his phone.
- Creepily stare at her.
- All of the above.
It doesn’t matter which answer you chose: YOU are a badass without Average Andy mentality.
YOU want to start a conversation with a cute girl on the street…
Here you see two bros in action during one of my coachings
Read tip #2 in this article once again. It shows you exactly how you create an epic first impression.
Next up, you want to pay attention to these:
Give her space. Really. A lot of men make this mistake when they approach women during the day.
The more space you give her, the better this will feel for both of you.
Don’t expect she’ll fall in love right away. You’re out on the streets, during the day. Very romantic and brave that you approach her, but also quite unusual.
Give her a chance to get used to you and don’t expect she’ll hump you right away.
Below, my beautiful friend and I will remind you once again of the wrong body language.
And then… it’s time to talk business.
How do u start a conversation?
Usually, I start by giving a compliment. This works well with both networking as well as flirting. At work, you’ll be quite subtle, at the club you want to be more direct.
Remember: make sure that you genuinely mean what you say (see tip #10).
Afterward, you introduce yourself. The handshake and name exchange instantly creates a more trusting atmosphere. It’s essentially the moment that you’re making the transition from strangers to homies.
And then… it’s totally up to you what you want to talk about. You’ll find some examples below:
- Talk about what you were doing before you approached her
- Ask what she is up to today
- Make a statement about her
- Talk about your environment (no not climate change… what’s happening around you? What do you see? What is everyone doing?)
- Talk about what she is wearing or holding
The options are pretty much endless. Keep in mind: starting the conversation feels like taking a cold shower…
…but in the end, you’ll ease into it. Believe in yourself and give yourself a huge fistbump for approaching women in broad daylight.
I’ll give you the answer in the next tip.
Tip #8: How to give her the night of her life
She blankly stares back at you. She’s not very excited.
you mumble as a next attempt
3 Strikes. You’re out. Disappointed, she turns her back on you and leaves you at the bar alone.
Does this sound familiar?
No worries. You’re definitely not the only man who finds it difficult to start a conversation with a girl when out.
(Luckily I am here to help you out).
Firstly, I want you to remember this:
Women go out to have fun.
Boring questions or lame compliments are a waste of her time. So start the conversation in a way that’s fun for both of you.
There are various ways of starting a conversation with a girl:
- Start with a phrase or story which YOU think is funny, without really anticipating her reaction
- Use a downright ridiculous pick-up line (“Do you have wifi? ‘Cuz I feel a connection between us.” Yeah, it can be that bad.)
- Approach her using a silly voice
Whatever you do: make sure you’re giving off fun vibes when you start the conversation. You’ll make things 69x easier for yourself.
Also remember this:
At night you can take more risks than during the day.
Nightlife is a more casual setting than broad daylight. It’s also more usual to approach women on a night out than during the daytime.
What does this mean for you?
You’re able to push the boundaries a lot further than during the day. Here’s an example of some conversation topics I’ve had with women on a night out.
You can flirt and tease more, and spice things up a lot quicker than during the day.
You can also sexually escalate earlier in the conversation, such as by touching her.
So be aware: at night you can spice up your conversations for some extra bite and flavor.
In fact, I recommend you to do this.
It’s expected in the setting of busy bars and clubs.
Even research points out it will make someone like you, or strongly bring across your flirting intentions.
Tip #9: Stop playing ping-pong, start playing football
I’m not an expert at ping-pong, but there’s ONE thing I am sure about:
Ping-pong has a very clear structure.
The ball goes from one side to the other until one of the two players scores a point.
A lot of men carry out their conversations as if they’re playing ping-pong.
In other words, the conversation constantly goes back and forth:
Guy asks something. Girl responds. Man asks another thing. Girl responds again and shoots a question back. Guy answers question and asks her another one…
And that’s how the conversation continues…
Conversations like these feel pretty socially awkward… A good conversation wouldn’t go back and forth like that. There are no fixed rules that determine how long you should talk before handing over again.
A good conversation is more like a game of football.
The ball can go in all directions:
It could be a pass, dribble or penalty…
In some cases you’ll play the ball longer… suddenly you’ve lost it… then it’s back again…
Occasionally you strike, or you could lose the ball once in a while.
In other words: a game of football is much less structured than a game of ping-pong.
Good conversations are often like a game of football.
You could be talking for a while, then she’ll be speaking again, then you suddenly switch up the whole conversation…
Just like football, strong conversations are dynamic and chaotic. And precisely those two elements make conversations interesting.
Go easy on yourself and stop overthinking rules and conversation structures.
Allow the conversation to go in any direction. That makes it interesting for both of you.
Tip #10: The best conversation phrases and questions
No matter how good the conversation is… there’s always a chance silences sneak in.
In that case, it’s useful to have a couple of ‘conversation savers’ up your sleeve.
It works best if you ask these phrases as if they were a fun question:
- If you were a superhero, what would your superpower be?
- What is something only someone with your occupation would know/do?
- What is the furthest you’ve traveled from home?
Yep… my experience tells me that these kinds of fun questions work wonders when there’s a lull in the conversation.
And I’ve got another godsend for you to check out
Namely 17 good conversation starters and 4 different conversation techniques.
You can download it here for free. < online soon
Tip #11: Bring your stories to life
Let’s do a short thought experiment!
Imagine this… you’re thinking about the word “holiday”.
What are the first 5 words that pop up in your head?
Say them out loud now!
Most people will name things like:
- Good food.
These are the basic things most people associate with holidays.
When you ask someone about their holiday, you’ll notice how general their story usually is:
Hmm… does this sound like a super interesting holiday story?
Sounds pretty f*cking basic if you ask me.
You can make it less basic and more interesting by doing the following:
Talk about the details.
Check out how I made this story a whole lot interesting by diving into more detail:
Same story. 1000 times more interesting to hear by doing one simple thing:
Talk about the details.
Tip #12: How to ruin a conversation immediately
Ruining a conversation right from the start is easier than you think.
That’s why I want to save you from making these common mistakes:
Talking too fast
Some men speak so fast that even Slim Shady himself can’t keep up.
Speaking fast indicates nervosity. Women do not only pick up on this, but it also becomes difficult for them to understand what you’re saying.
So take your time when you start a conversation.
You can practice speaking very slowly, pretending as if you were stoned.
Men with self-confidence speak calmly. Slow down and slow down, my brother.
Being afraid of silences
I know: silences can be pretty painful.
But, valued reader, they don’t have to be.
At times, silences can hugely work to your advantage.
If you’re quiet, you let her finish what’s she saying. The silence also creates an ever-growing tension between you two.
Don’t know what to say? Let those silences drop in there. Don’t be afraid to look her in the eyes and just accept the silence between you two for a second…
The fact that you’re totally OK with silences, actually makes you more attractive.
Thank me later.
Grabbing your phone
If you’re nervous to start a conversation, it can be tempting to use your phone as a safety net.
You’re basically hiding behind your phone so you can postpone starting the conversation.
I highly discourage you to grab your phone before approaching women.
Because this has several disadvantages:
- By checking your phone you’ll only get sucked more into your head.
- You come across disinterested.
- Your attention is drawn away from the woman.
Not only before approaching but also during conversations or dates some men are tempted to grab their smartphone.
Same message for you:
Don’t. Do. It.
F*#k your phone. This is not the time. You’re in the middle of a conversation with a real-life woman in front of you who deserves your full attention.
Bonus: Starting your conversation smooth as ice
You’re only one encounter away from your next breakthrough in life.
The same holds for me when I met Arnoud, the founder of AttractionGym.
Or a friend I’ve met, who I lived with for years.
Or a girlfriend, who I then traveled with for 5 months.
The harsh truth is, that if I didn’t start a conversation with them… then all those people wouldn’t be part of my life.
So make sure that you leave a good first impression with your first conversation.
Just remember, it takes one word to start a conversation. One word that could lead to a lifetime of fulfillment.
Tip #13: You don’t have to be James Bond
If there’s one big reason why many men struggle with starting a conversation with a girl, then it’s this one:
They set too high expectations for themselves.
Many a man is under the impression that they need to be cool when starting a conversation.
After all, he doesn’t want to ruin it. He thinks that women only fall for men who start a conversation in a smooth, James Bond-like way.
But let me tell you something:
Women don’t expect a James Bond.
Nobody is perfect. Even when I start a conversation, not everything is smooth.
(Yep, I understand you’re mind blown 😉).
People distrust perfection. You don’t have to be James Bond-style perfect. You don’t have to appear 100 percent awesome and self-confident.
Being vulnerable works well.
A great example in practice is from one of our coaches, who literally said this when he approached a woman in a busy street in Amsterdam:
He went on a date with her the same afternoon, with a make-out session as the grand finale.
And did his introduction have a high James Bond factor? Not really.
He allows himself to be vulnerable. He admits that he’s nervous and EXACTLY that makes the compliment hit the sweet spot.
So my brother: let down your guard once in a while and dare to be vulnerable. It will work wonders for you.
Because honesty is the best pick-up line.
Tip #14: Don’t be so self-obsessed
You’re walking down the street and spot this beauty coming your way:
You want to start a conversation but don’t know how.
Feverishly your head starts running with these kinds of questions:
- What should I say?
- How do I make her like me?
- How do I make sure I don’t come across creepy?
- How do I make her laugh?
- How do I make sure I don’t get rejected?
Notice how all these questions revolve around the word “I”.
You’re preoccupied with yourself.
And that’s a shame, as you want to start a conversation not only for yourself but also for your counterpart.
When you only think of yourself, you’re adopting a needy mindset. You need her reaction or approval to make yourself feel better.
But starting a good conversation is built on a mindset of giving.
- Give her a good feeling.
- Make sure she is feeling comfortable.
- Make her day by starting a conversation.
Never approach a woman purely to feel better about yourself. Approach her because you sincerely want to make her day…
When you adopt this giving mindset, you’ll find 100’s of new ways of starting conversations. It’ll also instantly become 100 times easier.
Do you want to see how this is done in practice? Plus some bonus tips to keep the conversation going? Check out this video:
Tip #15: How to start a convo with a girl online
A chica bonita gave you her number.
Now, you find yourself staring at your screen…
No stress, help is on the way.
Most men will start the online conversation from scratch again.
They start the conversation on over text as if didn’t speak to each other before. For instance:
Or the worst:
(My reaction when I read messages like these).
Starting your conversation that boring with a girl online is a DAMN shame, particularly because online texting can be used as a kind of code language.
By using jokes, stories and anecdotes from your real-life conversation you can create that code language between you two.
When other people would read your conversations, they wouldn’t understand shit.
So recycle the jokes you’ve made with her in real-life.
I’ll give you an example.
I met her in Barcelona. I approached her on the street, and somewhere in our conversation, she mentioned she likes Dutch cheese.
I directly used this joke at the start of our conversation on WhatsApp.
Using media such as pictures, memes, video’s or whatever also works very well.
Another thing, emotional words such as ‘love’ are also always good to use.
I’ve noticed that since I use these in my conversations more often, women are quick to copy this from me.
More texting tips?
Tip #16: Starting a texting conversation with someone you know
A woman you’ve known for a while, a girl from your class or that cute co-worker:
Whoever she is: you already know her and want to start the conversation in a fun way.
Or, maybe your conversation slowly dies out and you want to bring it back to life like Gandalf the Grey.
Whatever the situation is: I have the perfect solution for you to start the conversation.
Better yet, I have multiple perfect solutions for you to start conversations with a girl online.
- Funny pictures.
- Entertaining videos.
There was this girl I hadn’t spoken to in a while…
I could have started with:
I could’ve started by sending the following video with the corresponding comment:
EXACTLY because this video fits so well with the personality of the girl in question, her reaction was pure gold.
What followed was a nice chat and within several messages, we planned a date.
I started another conversation using the following meme:
There you have it:
Using memes, pictures, and videos are great ways of starting a conversation online.
Use this cheat code wisely my friend 😉.
Tip #17: Starting a conversation on Instagram
You’re scrolling through Instagram. Suddenly she’s there: a babe who sends your heart racing.
Honestly, you just want to slide into her DMs right away…
But what’s your best approach?
Because believe me: a lot of men still start conversations on Instagram worse than most Nickelback albums.
Example? Glad you asked.
Check out this wacky dude:
This fine gentleman starts the Instagram chat with the most brilliant proposal ever:
Do you genuinely think that a hot babe with tons of followers will respond like this:
No dude, it’s not gonna work.
In her eyes, you’ll come across as very needy from the start.
You don’t even know her, and you’re already hooked just on her looks.
Plus, most really good looking chicks get these type of messages multiple times per week from guys thinking they’re original and romantic.
Don’t. Do. It.
Of course, now I’ll show you a great example of how it SHOULD be done…
The example is from one of our coaching participants. He was already following this cute beauty for a while on the ‘gram…
(There’s more of where that came from in this article about flirting on Instagram.)
She’s the type with sexy pictures, numerous followers, and dozens of men who stumbled over each other trying to impress her in the comments or her story…
So not what you call an easy target.
When the Average Andy encounters a woman like that on Instagram, he tries to impress with the typical Average Andy technique:
Saying something nice and eagerly hoping that will make her suck your dick.
Does this work? Hell no.
Instead, our participant patiently waited for a tactical advantage…
One day, he saw that the woman in question posted a picture in a Slyterhin outfit. She named the post: “Slytherin Starter Pack”.
(For those not familiar with Harry Potter: Slytherin is one of the darker divisions of Hogwarts. Don’t know what Hogwarts is? Get your head out of your ass…)
As a caption for the picture she included:
The participant responded as follows;
KABOOM. What an awesome reply.
Why is this reply so good you ask yourself?
Because his first message is saucy and provocative.
This is something that 99 percent of the men would never dare. They prefer to try use some ass-kissing instead.
But teasing is what triggers her female brain. And sure enough: because of his saucy message the missus came back with a reply:
BAAAAM! You’ve got mail.
Now, do you continue with a conversation in the comments?
Bingo! You can see this moment as your official written permission to slide right into her DMs.
Our student sent her the following message:
And voila, the student follows through on an epic start and continues teasing her even more with the REAL Slyterhin Starter Pack.
An epic conversation followed which lead to a date that was topped off with some good old horizontal line-dancing.
And our student achieved all the above by focusing on teasing rather than ass-kissing.
Do you want more ways to tease women to find out how legendary your results would be?
Then read this article I wrote about this topic:
How she becomes addicted to you…
Now you know how to start a compelling conversation with a girl. And to help you go the extra mile, I’ve got a little BIG something for you:
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- How you can approach her like an attractive boss
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This package is like a Call of Duty care-package: you’ll get it for free and at the push of a button.
Go ahead and find the link at the bottom of this article.
I wish you lots of luck with your conversations!
Dan de Ram