Whether it’s on the street, in a nightclub or through online dating:
You would like to be chatting away with women but have no idea how to start a conversation…
Luckily these frustrations will become ancient history after reading this article.
Because today you will get:
- 17 Practical tips for a great start to any conversation
- How you keep the conversation going without awkward silences
- Tips on starting a conversation with a girl online
- How to break the ice (in the daytime or a nightclub)
- Why you want to be playing football rather than ping-pong
- 15+ Good conversation starter examples
- And lots more…
By the way, have you seen my free Transformation Kit?
You'll get my best stuff absolutely free: 12 Opening lines that actually work, my 5 best texting tips (including copy-paste lines for Tinder), and the Friendzone Houdini. Download the Transformation Kit here.
How do you start a conversation?
If I had a buck for every time someone asked me this question; then I would be as rich as Bill Gates by now.
I always get asked this question when I am coaching men in flirting with women.
And I understand why.
Approaching women is already challenging in itself, let alone starting a good conversation.
That’s why I’ll help you out today. In this article, you will learn how to start a conversation that instantly sparks attraction.
Not only that. You will also learn how you keep your conversation going and make it exciting so she’ll hang onto your every word.
But before I show you all this, I’ve got some bad news for you…
And what this bad news is all about, you’ll read in the first tip.
Tip #1: Everything you need to know about pick-up lines
No pick-up lines for you today.
And I’m not doing this to bully you.
I’m intentionally not giving you any pick-up lines for this reason:
Pick-up lines are highly overrated.
People all too often ask me questions like:
- What is the best pick-up line?
- What is the first thing you say to a woman?
- Do you have any funny pick-up lines?
My response to these people is always the same:
Stop focusing on the perfect pick-up line.
The perfect pick-up line doesn’t exist. Especially in nightclubs, your first words are usually unheard by women anyway.
There are a couple of things way more important than that cheesy pick-up line…
(And if you really need to have them, then you can find a bunch here.) < online soon
What those things are, you’ll discover in this next tip.
Tip #2: Starting a conversation? Pay attention to the following…
Left your obsession with pick-up lines behind for a second?
Nice. Then we can focus on what is actually important when you strike up a conversation:
- Body language.
- Facial expression.
- Your vibe. (Yep, sounds vague. I’ll explain this soon).
First, let’s take a closer look at body language.
Imagine you spotted an absolute stunner babe. You decide to grow a pair and start a conversation with her.
Your pick-up line is perfect. Yet she still ignores you, because this is your appearance:
- Hands in your pockets.
- A hunched back
- You lean in too far
- You make yourself smaller
Part of you knows that body language is important, yet you often forget this in the heat of the moment.
Stay calm and be aware of this.
Stand up straight. Make yourself big. Keep your hands next to your body, and make big gestures when you speak.
These things reflect calmness and confidence. These boost your chances of getting a (positive) reaction from her end.
Next up… your facial expression. Do you think a woman wants to chat with a man who puts on a face like this:
(Make your expression GREAT again).
Girls wanna have fun. When you start a conversation, make sure that she thinks the following:
Your body language and facial expression are crucial aspects of the vibe you are giving off.
‘Vibe’ may now sound pretty vague and floaty, but it is quite simple.
Imagine that a dodgy homeless person approaches you… how does this make you feel? Chances are, you feel his negative needy vibe.
But say this person is a friend who is thrilled to see you… then how do you feel?
This is the big difference that your vibe makes. Always make sure you’re giving off positive, friendly vibes before starting a conversation with a girl.
- Body language on point? Check.
- Facial expression to turn frowns upside down? Check.
- Happy, positive vibes? Triple check.
As you’re all set for starting a good conversation, we will now dive into what exactly you should be saying…
Tip #3: The Carnegie principle
Dale Carnegie has written the book How to Win Friends and Influence People.
(Strongly recommended btw. Not only for picking up women but to become more social in general).
One of the most important lessons in the book is as follows:
(This is what I call the “Carnegie principle”).
A lot of men are so incredibly afraid of dropping silences in their conversations…
Others try to impress a woman about how “cool” they are.
But of course, both of these will totally backfire.
To have a good conversation it is extremely important to be interested in the other person. At AttractionGym we teach people everything about authentic attractiveness without cheap tricks.
You can show your interest in lots of ways. Also by asking the right questions…
You’ll get some good conversation questions in the next tip.
Tip #4: Lose the facts, go with opinions
When asking questions, the Average Joe always asks the same old boring questions:
- Where are you from?
- What do you do?
- What are your hobbies?
Now, that’s a good question.
I’ll give you a proper answer right away:
The above questions are factual.
The average man loves factual questions. Because by asking one after another, you can easily avoid those awkward silences…
Until you run out of factual questions…
And then the Average Andy starts panicking like a scaredy-cat:
No need to panic if you run out of factual questions.
Be glad you ran out.
Now the factual questions are gone, the real conversation can start.
A lot of boring conversations start with factual questions. Once these are out of the way, it makes way for the fuel for every conversation:
Ask for opinions instead of facts.
Opinions inspire way more interesting conversations than just exchanging facts.
Ask questions such as:
- What do you think of this club?
- What do you think of those two touchy people next to you?
- What would you change about this congress/party/gathering?
- What do you think of that weird dancing guy?
Wherever the conversation takes place and whatever it’s about, you can always ask about her opinion on a lot of things.
Interested in more inspiration on conversation topics?
Then check out this article:
Tip #5: Yes, you’re also part of the conversation
Let me explain.
Asking for opinions is useful. The Carnegie principle is useful. These are always better than just bragging about yourself…
But this doesn’t mean that you can never talk about yourself. Just like it doesn’t mean you should keep your kisser shut at all times.
Also add value to the conversation yourself.
If you’re only asking questions, the ball will be in her court constantly.
However, a good conversation requires participation from both sides, not only hers or yours.
So if you have a funny/interesting story or anecdote… by all means: share it.
Still struggling with what to say?
Have a look at the following article:
Tip #6: Beware of the “drug dealer” trap…
After a night of coaching in Barcelona, I was making my way back to my apartment around 2 in the morning.
I was still enjoying the successes of my coachee’s (one of them had made out with 3 ladies, the other was even more intimate with a woman), I was suddenly approached by a hawker.
Street hawkers are everywhere in Barcelona. Even at night. Usually, they try to sell you a beer, water, or soggy sandwiches.
Same story with this dude.
He shouted in my face as I passed him.
I responded politely.
Then the seller mumbled:
This trick is often used by street hawkers:
First, they shout they’re selling beer or water, then they quietly offer drugs on the down-low.
Drug dealers don’t want to get busted, so they keep it quiet.
Makes sense right?
That’s why we associate speaking softly with devious things. Something that needs to stay secret.
So if speaking softly is linked with drug dealers, creeps and other dodgy people…
Then why do most men speak so softly at the beginning of their conversation?
The answer is straightforward: anxiety. When anxious, you find it difficult to raise your voice. It might be you’re afraid to get rejected and don’t want anyone to overhear.
But, valued reader, here’s a piece of advice you’ll be thanking me for:
Make yourself heard!
If you start a conversation, speak louder than you’re used to.
You can practice this by reading this article aloud. Keep reading out loud until you feel that you are speaking quite loudly.
(Chances are you’re still speaking too softly. Oh, and you can stop reading aloud btw).
Keep in mind: the louder you speak, the better she’ll hear you. You’ll also appear much more masculine and self-confident.
So it’s more than worth it.
If you want 17 example phrases for your conversations, then download them here for free.
You’ll also get access to my daily motivation newsletter.
Check them out and use them tonight!
Find them here. < online soon
Tip #7: Starting a conversation on the streets? Here’s how!
You’re walking down the street and you see the girl of your dreams… what would the Average Andy do?
- Keep walking.
- Pretend he didn’t see her.
- Check his phone.
- Creepily stare at her.
- All of the above.
It doesn’t matter which answer you chose: YOU are a badass without Average Andy mentality.
YOU want to start a conversation with a cute girl on the street…
Here you see two bros in action during one of my coachings
Read tip #2 in this article once again. It shows you exactly how you create an epic first impression.
Next up, you want to pay attention to these:
Give her space. Really. A lot of men make this mistake when they approach women during the day.
The more space you give her, the better this will feel for both of you.
Don’t expect she’ll fall in love right away. You’re out on the streets, during the day. Very romantic and brave that you approach her, but also quite unusual.
Give her a chance to get used to you and don’t expect she’ll hump you right away.
Below, my beautiful friend and I will remind you once again of the wrong body language.
And then… it’s time to talk business.
How do u start a conversation?
Usually, I start by giving a compliment. This works well with both networking as well as flirting. At work, you’ll be quite subtle, at the club you want to be more direct.
Remember: make sure that you genuinely mean what you say (see tip #10).
Afterward, you introduce yourself. The handshake and name exchange instantly creates a more trusting atmosphere. It’s essentially the moment that you’re making the transition from strangers to homies.
And then… it’s totally up to you what you want to talk about. You’ll find some examples below:
- Talk about what you were doing before you approached her
- Ask what she is up to today
- Make a statement about her
- Talk about your environment (no not climate change… what’s happening around you? What do you see? What is everyone doing?)
- Talk about what she is wearing or holding
The options are pretty much endless. Keep in mind: starting the conversation feels like taking a cold shower…
…but in the end, you’ll ease into it. Believe in yourself and give yourself a huge fistbump for approaching women in broad daylight.
I’ll give you the answer in the next tip.
Tip #8: How to give her the night of her life
She blankly stares back at you. She’s not very excited.
you mumble as a next attempt
3 Strikes. You’re out. Disappointed, she turns her back on you and leaves you at the bar alone.
Does this sound familiar?
No worries. You’re definitely not the only man who finds it difficult to start a conversation with a girl when out.
(Luckily I am here to help you out).
Firstly, I want you to remember this:
Women go out to have fun.
Boring questions or lame compliments are a waste of her time. So start the conversation in a way that’s fun for both of you.
There are various ways of starting a conversation with a girl:
- Start with a phrase or story which YOU think is funny, without really anticipating her reaction
- Use a downright ridiculous pick-up line (“Do you have wifi? ‘Cuz I feel a connection between us.” Yeah, it can be that bad.)
- Approach her using a silly voice
Whatever you do: make sure you’re giving off fun vibes when you start the conversation. You’ll make things 69x easier for yourself.
Also remember this:
At night you can take more risks than during the day.
Nightlife is a more casual setting than broad daylight. It’s also more usual to approach women on a night out than during the daytime.
What does this mean for you?
You’re able to push the boundaries a lot further than during the day. Here’s an example of some conversation topics I’ve had with women on a night out.
You can flirt and tease more, and spice things up a lot quicker than during the day.
You can also sexually escalate earlier in the conversation, such as by touching her.
So be aware: at night you can spice up your conversations for some extra bite and flavor.
In fact, I recommend you to do this.
It’s expected in the setting of busy bars and clubs.
Even research points out it will make someone like you, or strongly bring across your flirting intentions.
Tip #9: Stop playing ping-pong, start playing football
I’m not an expert at ping-pong, but there’s ONE thing I am sure about:
Ping-pong has a very clear structure.
The ball goes from one side to the other until one of the two players scores a point.
A lot of men carry out their conversations as if they’re playing ping-pong.
In other words, the conversation constantly goes back and forth:
Guy asks something. Girl responds. Man asks another thing. Girl responds again and shoots a question back. Guy answers question and asks her another one…
And that’s how the conversation continues…
Conversations like these feel pretty socially awkward… A good conversation wouldn’t go back and forth like that. There are no fixed rules that determine how long you should talk before handing over again.
A good conversation is more like a game of football.
The ball can go in all directions:
It could be a pass, dribble or penalty…
In some cases you’ll play the ball longer… suddenly you’ve lost it… then it’s back again…
Occasionally you strike, or you could lose the ball once in a while.
In other words: a game of football is much less structured than a game of ping-pong.
Good conversations are often like a game of football.
You could be talking for a while, then she’ll be speaking again, then you suddenly switch up the whole conversation…
Just like football, strong conversations are dynamic and chaotic. And precisely those two elements make conversations interesting.
Go easy on yourself and stop overthinking rules and conversation structures.
Allow the conversation to go in any direction. That makes it interesting for both of you.
Tip #10: The best conversation phrases and questions
No matter how good the conversation is… there’s always a chance silences sneak in.
In that case, it’s useful to have a couple of ‘conversation savers’ up your sleeve.
It works best if you ask these phrases as if they were a fun question:
- If you were a superhero, what would your superpower be?
- What is something only someone with your occupation would know/do?
- What is the furthest you’ve traveled from home?
Yep… my experience tells me that these kinds of fun questions work wonders when there’s a lull in the conversation.
And I’ve got another godsend for you to check out
Namely 17 good conversation starters and 4 different conversation techniques.
You can download it here for free. < online soon
Tip #11: Bring your stories to life
Let’s do a short thought experiment!
Imagine this… you’re thinking about the word “holiday”.
What are the first 5 words that pop up in your head?
Say them out loud now!
Most people will name things like:
- Good food.
These are the basic things most people associate with holidays.
When you ask someone about their holiday, you’ll notice how general their story usually is:
Hmm… does this sound like a super interesting holiday story?
Sounds pretty f*cking basic if you ask me.
You can make it less basic and more interesting by doing the following:
Talk about the details.
Check out how I made this story a whole lot interesting by diving into more detail:
Same story. 1000 times more interesting to hear by doing one simple thing:
Talk about the details.
Tip #12: How to ruin a conversation immediately
Ruining a conversation right from the start is easier than you think.
That’s why I want to save you from making these common mistakes:
Talking too fast
Some men speak so fast that even Slim Shady himself can’t keep up.
Speaking fast indicates nervosity. Women do not only pick up on this, but it also becomes difficult for them to understand what you’re saying.
So take your time when you start a conversation.
You can practice speaking very slowly, pretending as if you were stoned.
Men with self-confidence speak calmly. Slow down and slow down, my brother.
Being afraid of silences
I know: silences can be pretty painful.
But, valued reader, they don’t have to be.
At times, silences can hugely work to your advantage.
If you’re quiet, you let her finish what’s she saying. The silence also creates an ever-growing tension between you two.
Don’t know what to say? Let those silences drop in there. Don’t be afraid to look her in the eyes and just accept the silence between you two for a second…
The fact that you’re totally OK with silences, actually makes you more attractive.
Thank me later.
Grabbing your phone
If you’re nervous to start a conversation, it can be tempting to use your phone as a safety net.
You’re basically hiding behind your phone so you can postpone starting the conversation.
I highly discourage you to grab your phone before approaching women.
Because this has several disadvantages:
- By checking your phone you’ll only get sucked more into your head.
- You come across disinterested.
- Your attention is drawn away from the woman.
Not only before approaching but also during conversations or dates some men are tempted to grab their smartphone.
Same message for you:
Don’t. Do. It.
F*#k your phone. This is not the time. You’re in the middle of a conversation with a real-life woman in front of you who deserves your full attention.
Bonus: Starting your conversation smooth as ice
You’re only one encounter away from your next breakthrough in life.
The same holds for me when I met Arnoud, the founder of AttractionGym.
Or a friend I’ve met, who I lived with for years.
Or a girlfriend, who I then traveled with for 5 months.
The harsh truth is, that if I didn’t start a conversation with them… then all those people wouldn’t be part of my life.
So make sure that you leave a good first impression with your first conversation.
Just remember, it takes one word to start a conversation. One word that could lead to a lifetime of fulfillment.
Tip #13: You don’t have to be James Bond
If there’s one big reason why many men struggle with starting a conversation with a girl, then it’s this one:
They set too high expectations for themselves.
Many a man is under the impression that they need to be cool when starting a conversation.
After all, he doesn’t want to ruin it. He thinks that women only fall for men who start a conversation in a smooth, James Bond-like way.
But let me tell you something:
Women don’t expect a James Bond.
Nobody is perfect. Even when I start a conversation, not everything is smooth.
(Yep, I understand you’re mind blown 😉).
People distrust perfection. You don’t have to be James Bond-style perfect. You don’t have to appear 100 percent awesome and self-confident.
Being vulnerable works well.
A great example in practice is from one of our coaches, who literally said this when he approached a woman in a busy street in Amsterdam:
He went on a date with her the same afternoon, with a make-out session as the grand finale.
And did his introduction have a high James Bond factor? Not really.
He allows himself to be vulnerable. He admits that he’s nervous and EXACTLY that makes the compliment hit the sweet spot.
So my brother: let down your guard once in a while and dare to be vulnerable. It will work wonders for you.
Because honesty is the best pick-up line.
Tip #14: Don’t be so self-obsessed
You’re walking down the street and spot this beauty coming your way:
You want to start a conversation but don’t know how.
Feverishly your head starts running with these kinds of questions:
- What should I say?
- How do I make her like me?
- How do I make sure I don’t come across creepy?
- How do I make her laugh?
- How do I make sure I don’t get rejected?
Notice how all these questions revolve around the word “I”.
You’re preoccupied with yourself.
And that’s a shame, as you want to start a conversation not only for yourself but also for your counterpart.
When you only think of yourself, you’re adopting a needy mindset. You need her reaction or approval to make yourself feel better.
But starting a good conversation is built on a mindset of giving.
- Give her a good feeling.
- Make sure she is feeling comfortable.
- Make her day by starting a conversation.
Never approach a woman purely to feel better about yourself. Approach her because you sincerely want to make her day…
When you adopt this giving mindset, you’ll find 100’s of new ways of starting conversations. It’ll also instantly become 100 times easier.
Do you want to see how this is done in practice? Plus some bonus tips to keep the conversation going? Check out this video:
Tip #15: How to start a convo with a girl online
A chica bonita gave you her number.
Now, you find yourself staring at your screen…
No stress, help is on the way.
Most men will start the online conversation from scratch again.
They start the conversation on over text as if didn’t speak to each other before. For instance:
Or the worst:
(My reaction when I read messages like these).
Starting your conversation that boring with a girl online is a DAMN shame, particularly because online texting can be used as a kind of code language.
By using jokes, stories and anecdotes from your real-life conversation you can create that code language between you two.
When other people would read your conversations, they wouldn’t understand shit.
So recycle the jokes you’ve made with her in real-life.
I’ll give you an example.
I met her in Barcelona. I approached her on the street, and somewhere in our conversation, she mentioned she likes Dutch cheese.
I directly used this joke at the start of our conversation on WhatsApp.
Using media such as pictures, memes, video’s or whatever also works very well.
Another thing, emotional words such as ‘love’ are also always good to use.
I’ve noticed that since I use these in my conversations more often, women are quick to copy this from me.
More texting tips?
Tip #16: Starting a texting conversation with someone you know
A woman you’ve known for a while, a girl from your class or that cute co-worker:
Whoever she is: you already know her and want to start the conversation in a fun way.
Or, maybe your conversation slowly dies out and you want to bring it back to life like Gandalf the Grey.
Whatever the situation is: I have the perfect solution for you to start the conversation.
Better yet, I have multiple perfect solutions for you to start conversations with a girl online.
- Funny pictures.
- Entertaining videos.
There was this girl I hadn’t spoken to in a while…
I could have started with:
I could’ve started by sending the following video with the corresponding comment:
EXACTLY because this video fits so well with the personality of the girl in question, her reaction was pure gold.
What followed was a nice chat and within several messages, we planned a date.
I started another conversation using the following meme:
There you have it:
Using memes, pictures, and videos are great ways of starting a conversation online.
Use this cheat code wisely my friend 😉.
Tip #17: Starting a conversation on Instagram
You’re scrolling through Instagram. Suddenly she’s there: a babe who sends your heart racing.
Honestly, you just want to slide into her DMs right away…
But what’s your best approach?
Because believe me: a lot of men still start conversations on Instagram worse than most Nickelback albums.
Example? Glad you asked.
Check out this wacky dude:
This fine gentleman starts the Instagram chat with the most brilliant proposal ever:
Do you genuinely think that a hot babe with tons of followers will respond like this:
No dude, it’s not gonna work.
In her eyes, you’ll come across as very needy from the start.
You don’t even know her, and you’re already hooked just on her looks.
Plus, most really good looking chicks get these type of messages multiple times per week from guys thinking they’re original and romantic.
Don’t. Do. It.
Of course, now I’ll show you a great example of how it SHOULD be done…
The example is from one of our coaching participants. He was already following this cute beauty for a while on the ‘gram…
(There’s more of where that came from in this article about flirting on Instagram.)
She’s the type with sexy pictures, numerous followers, and dozens of men who stumbled over each other trying to impress her in the comments or her story…
So not what you call an easy target.
When the Average Andy encounters a woman like that on Instagram, he tries to impress with the typical Average Andy technique:
Saying something nice and eagerly hoping that will make her suck your dick.
Does this work? Hell no.
Instead, our participant patiently waited for a tactical advantage…
One day, he saw that the woman in question posted a picture in a Slyterhin outfit. She named the post: “Slytherin Starter Pack”.
(For those not familiar with Harry Potter: Slytherin is one of the darker divisions of Hogwarts. Don’t know what Hogwarts is? Get your head out of your ass…)
As a caption for the picture she included:
The participant responded as follows;
KABOOM. What an awesome reply.
Why is this reply so good you ask yourself?
Because his first message is saucy and provocative.
This is something that 99 percent of the men would never dare. They prefer to try use some ass-kissing instead.
But teasing is what triggers her female brain. And sure enough: because of his saucy message the missus came back with a reply:
BAAAAM! You’ve got mail.
Now, do you continue with a conversation in the comments?
Bingo! You can see this moment as your official written permission to slide right into her DMs.
Our student sent her the following message:
And voila, the student follows through on an epic start and continues teasing her even more with the REAL Slyterhin Starter Pack.
An epic conversation followed which lead to a date that was topped off with some good old horizontal line-dancing.
And our student achieved all the above by focusing on teasing rather than ass-kissing.
Do you want more ways to tease women to find out how legendary your results would be?
Then read this article I wrote about this topic:
Step #1: What if she rejects me?
Let’s be honest.
When you see a hot girl, you go: “Dammmmmnnnnn!”
“If only she would Cardi B. my face.”
Your next thought is less encouraging.
“What if she rejects me?”
This is one of the most common problems guys ask me about.
It seems that whenever they notice a hot girl, their mind immediately jumps to the possibility of rejection.
Which can lead to the following things:
- Wussing out
- Anxiety or even panic (the feeling something sinister might happen)
- Getting the shakes
- Feeling hyped up
- Peeing your pants
Ok, I’ll admit it. The latter happens less often than the former.
Hey bro, even if you pee your pants just thinking of approaching a hot girl….
….I’m not judging.
I’m a coach. It’s my job to coach clients through this.
So if you ever feared rejection, this one is for you:
The bad news: fear of rejection makes you unattractive
This is not because women have a sixth sense for beta males. Far from it.
What they notice, is your nervousness.
That in and of itself is not a bad thing. If she considers you a real man, a few nervous tics actually make you endearing.
The problem is you let your nervousness distract you from your mission.
Imagine you’re a soldier. It’s D-Day, and you landed on the shore of France.
Your objective (as hammered in by your superior) is to shoot Nazis in the face.
As your boat approaches the beach, and enemy bullets graze your cheeks, you have two options:
- You take a deep breath, pray to whatever god you believe in, and start shooting. Hopefully, you hit them Nazis before they get you.
- You break down crying, and pee your pants. You drown, or get shot by a sniper.
Whether you pick option one or two: you will be just as frightened. But your response and the results that follow, are vastly different.
Choose the first option, and you have a chance of shooting some Nazis and liberating Europe.
Once you focus on running towards the beach, your fear gets pushed to the background.
It’s still there, but your conscious focus is on getting sh*t done, bar the consequences.
Not to compare starting a conversation with a girl to shooting Nazis, but….
Go! Go! Go!
Let’s look at the facts.
If you don’t approach her, the opportunity will be forever gone.
Contrary to storming a hostile beach, approaching girls is harmless.
Even if you get rejected, this will not physically harm you.
Granted. Your ego might suffer a harsh blow. Similar to a shot in the chest.
But in contrast to a bullet, this will only last a few seconds.
After that, you can remind yourself that this pain is part of the journey.
Meeting the girl of your dreams requires that you approach lots of girls.
Let’s take a closer look.
Step #2: Make approaching women a habit
Most guys have seen too many romantic comedies.
They believe that one day, they bump into a hot chick that likes them.
And while this is technically true…
…they completely underestimate how many hot chicks they have to bump into until they meet one they get along with.
Many hot chicks you’ll meet, will have boyfriends. The horror!
Others will not be interested in dating altogether.
Some will hate you as a person. (But if you follow my tips, this shouldn’t be an issue.)
All hot chicks in existence minus the ones that are not on the market…
…leaves us with a rather small pool of hot chicks to choose from.
And let’s be honest. All guys want a “hot chick”.
You are competing with every other man over the same woman.
Due to the iron law of supply and demand, chicks are bombarded with decelerations of love.
Not to speak of the unwanted dickpicks any above-average woman constantly receives from creepy dudes.
To succeed, you need to stand out.
Not by wearing a boa or a fuzzy hat. Or by saying cringy stuff that gets her attention but also makes her call the police.
You need two things:
- Experience in hitting on girls.
- Experience in conveying your personality.
The former helps you to get your foot in the door. It takes good advice, strong coaching ,and a lot of practice.
You’ll stand out from the crowd. Because most of the crows consists of creeps and greaseballs.
But not being a lame is not enough.
This only gets your foot in the door. After this, you can seduce her
The latter is essential to get this done. You need to convey your personality to authentically connect with her. (You could also pretend to be someone you’re not. But this is not what I teach, because it leads to bad results in the long term.)
Do you want to know more about how to display attractive traits? Read this.
Another reason why persistence is key
You’ll meet many women who, upon further investigation, you wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole.
Doesn’t matter how hot she is. If she has a toxic personality, hanging out will feel like banging Stalin.
As you gain more experience with women, your standards will increase. Both in looks and personality. When that happens, you need persistence to even get in front of the girls you’d want to hang out with, because there is more male competition.
So for your own sake: train yourself to approach. Just so that you won’t feel tempted to stick with the first girl that responds favorably, regardless of her personality or looks.
Of course, this also works the other way around. You’ll meet many women who won’t like you. That’s part of the game.
You are not what she’s looking for in a man. Or you approached her at the wrong time.
She has a boyfriend. Her cat just died. She is on her period and she needs to record another TikTok and your hairdo reminds her of her father.
And this brings me to one of the most overlooked aspects of meeting girls:
Step #3: Prepare yourself for all possible outcomes (including the best one)
This is the most unattractive noise a man can make, according to women everywhere.
The sound of a man who doesn’t know what to say.
He’s scrambling for words. Sweat running down his head. His chances with her slowly evaporating with every breath he takes.
And it’s his own fault.
If you start a conversation with a girl, you need to prepare for the best possible outcome.
Here’s not to do it.
Let’s say you start a conversation with a woman. Things are going great. At least for the first ten minutes.
Then you run out of things to say. Because you talk less and seem to struggle, she pulls away.
Whenever a client complains about this, it boggles my mind. Starting a conversation without knowing the end goal. It’s like climbing a wall with a ladder that’s too short.
You’ll never going to reach your goal. You waste a lot of energy trying to get somewhere you know you can’t reach. Afterwards, you feel exhausted and bruised.
On the other hand, I get it.
You were so busy in your head running the worst-case scenario, that you didn’t think about what to do if things go well.
Well, here we are. She likes you and wants to keep talking.
In the moment, you can’t Google my guide on what to say to a girl. But you can study it extensively before ever opening your mouth to a girl.
And at step 4, I’ll reveal the number one goal that is essential to conquering her.
But before I do, a pearl of wisdom you don’t want to skip over:
How to respond if it doesn’t go well
You may think I’m some Bullet Proof Don Juan.
You wouldn’t be far off.
But how did I get there?
If I talk to a girl and she shuts me down, I move on.
I don’t linger on it. I don’t blame myself. I don’t take it personally.
I briefly consider her response, and if I did anything wrong. If there’s anything I can improve, I make a mental note of it. Then I move on.
I go about my day. Or if I’m out at night, I just approach another girl.
Ruminating about past approaches is a waste of time. It won’t get you laid.
It also makes you depressed AF.
So on to the next one. Or continue your day as if nothing happened.
Step #4: The secret to conversations that lead somewhere
Before I give you tips on what to say and how to behave…
…let’s briefly review why we’re talking to girls in the first place.
You’re approaching her to find out if you want to date her or have a one night stand with her.
Just having a cutesy talk for half an hour won’t automatically lead to s*x, or her dying to become your girlfriend.
You have to lead her there. By:
- Making a genuine connection.
- Clearly showing that you desire her (without needing her!).
Let’s start with number one.
I know I talk a lot about having an awesome one-time ‘encounter’ with a women. Let’s not forget that women are humans, too.
There is a lot to be enjoyed about their company, besides the acrobatic stunts they may be able to perform in the bedroom.
I would argue that anything beyond a short, one night stand-like encounter requires that you sincerely enjoy each others company.
After you become good at this, there’s no need to go out every night. You have plenty of girls you can call.
Yet, many of my coaching clients continue to go out regularly. Why?
Because they enjoy making a genuine connection with women they’ve never met before. It brings them joy. And often a little adrenaline rush.
Now look at it from the girls perspective.
If she’s really horny, she might be OK with going home with the first non-smelly guy who presents himself.
But most of the time, she’ll reject Average Andys in favor of meeting a man she genuinely enjoys spending time with.
That’s why the first goal is important. Have fun! Get to know her!
How dudes end up in the friendzone
The friendzone sucks. I’ve been there.
Granted, it was about ten years ago. But still!
I remember the sting of rejection when she said:
“You’re like a little brother to me.”
In my mind I screamed: “AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH.”
The last thing that any guy wants to hear.
That’s why making a connection is not enough. You also need to clearly state you are attracted to her.
Not by bluntly saying: “Hey, give me a lapdance.” Or by giving her cheesy compliments that would make Russel Brand look slimy.
So no “Your eyes look like the stars. If the night sky would be as lovely as your face.”
I officially forbid you to say anything along these lines.
Instead, you gotta make clear what you’re after.
And you have to repeat yourself, so she doesn’t forget.
Not every two minutes. But regularly.
That way, she won’t even consider to friendzone you.
And if she still tries, tell her right away that you don’t want to be her friend.
Tell her you can hang out and/or be lovers, depending on what you’re after. Quote Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance, for all I care.
WARNING: Only use this if she tries to friendzone you. Not when she is saying you’re moving too fast.
If she wants you to back off, back off. Apologize for good measure. This makes her feel safe and allows her to reconsider if you might make a great spectator to show off her new thong too.
Is she saying you are “too serious?” Then lighten up, buddy.
Back off a little and have fun with her. Keep making a connection and showing you are attracted to her.
When in doubt, revert back to this modus operandi. So she knows exactly what she’s getting herself into.
Step #5: Here’s my super secret pickup line
(This phenomenal pickup line is only meant to be used on strangers. You can skip this step if you already know the girl you’re talking to.)
I’m going to teach you a line so effective and powerful that it can do serious damage in the wrong hands.
If you use it on the sister of your best friend, well, that’s it.
You won’t be best friends for long.
The same goes for any other lady in your life that you shouldn’t desire. Including hot strangers walking down your line of sight. Or students having a “girls only weekend” with no boys allowed.
The whole group will try to take you hostage, as their boy toy. Vastly different from a boy, I assure you.
Are you ready to hear my super-secret, never revealed pickup line?
I hope you are. You’ll need a fly swap to fend off the babes as you start throwing this bad boy around.
Here it goes:
Dan! You tricked me! Hi isn’t some magical pick-up line!
Actually, it is.
Because now, you never have an excuse not to talk to a lady.
Often, I have no idea what I’m going to say when I begin a conversation. I just start. With “Hi.”
Guess what? Some of them say it back. Or reply with a compliment, smile, or funny remark.
More often than not, I have to follow up “Hi” with something clever. Which seems logical. How would you respond if a random stranger said “Hi?”
It depends on your mood and how sociable you are, of course. The same for girls.
But the fact you started talking is half the battle, honestly.
Honestly, if only you would say “Hi” to any girl you find interesting. Your results would drastically increase.
Now I’ll be honst with you. There is a huuuuge difference between “Hi” and “Hi”. There is the needy and shy way that right away chases her back into her cave.
And there is the confident “you seem interesting but I don’t need anything from you,” way of saying it.
But remember that we have to talk to a lot of girls to find the ones we like. This is how you do it.
You can follow up with one of the lines I’ll feed you below. Or come up with one yourself.
But “not knowing what to say” is no excuse. From now on, just go! go! go!
Later in this article, I’ll give you more details on body language, tone of voice, and other more complex topics.
These things are important. But not as important as just going for it.
Too many of my readers read too much and approach too little.
After you said, “Hi,” it’s time for the next step.
Step #6: Look at her face
This is the defining moment.
You got her attention. You greeted her.
This is a make or break moment.
Look at her face and body language.
What is she feeling right now?
- Making eye contact
Move on to the next step.
Or does she look:
- Like she wants to back away
- Pulling out her pepper spray
Then you immediately clarify why you said “Hi” to her.
You came up unexpected. That can make women a little nervous. And rightfully so. There are a lot of creeps out there.
You are not one of them. You know that, I know that.
But she doesn’t. So you have to proof it to her.
Many women have been traumatized and are now fearful of strange men. It’s unfortunate. I hope there’s a special place in hell reserved for any man who mistreats women.
But until they arrive there, we’ll have to deal with it.
Here’s how you communicate to her you come in peace:
- Stay calm.
- Make s small step back (or lean backward).
- Make sure you have a smile on your face.
- Explain that you come in peace, politely, and lighthearted.
- Give her a chance to recuperate.
You want to immediately communicate that you mean no harm. Especially non-verbally.
Calm body language, a relaxed smile, and a soothing tone go a long way to show her you’re not a creep.
If she recovers, you’re good to go. Give her 15-20 seconds to shake off the nervousness.
If she is still shaken, repeat that you come in peace. Perhaps state why you talked to her in the form of a non-sexual compliment. “You looked like you’re having the most amazing day. And you look sunny in that dress.”
If her anxiety increases during this time, you are standing way too close, or she is really anxious.
Either way, just let her go for now. Walk away. Apologize in a disarming tone If she’s really startled.
This happens every now and then. It has nothing to do with you, but it is important to deal with it appropriately.
Don’t feel bad about it. Some girls are just nervous wrecks, regardless of what you do.
Fortunately, this happens very rarely if you know how to start a conversation in a composed and friendly manner.
Step #7: Provide some context
Of course, you’d rather not startle a girl you’re trying to talk to.
Or get a response like this one:
You prevent this by stating very soon what you are doing at that particular time.
(If you are at a sports event, a club, or any other venue where it’s obvious what you’re doing there, you can skip this step.)
Explain who you are, and what you’re doing there. Otherwise, it will seem like you came out of nowhere.
In the best case scenario, she will feel like you are an angel descended from the heavens.
In the worst case scenario, she thinks you are a creep trying to lick her toes. Because if you don’t tell her what you’re doing and why you’re talking to her, her mind will fill in the blanks. If she had bad experiences in the past, her assumptions will not be favorable.
For example, a bad experience like this:
What if I’m not doing anything?
Let’s say you’re in a bar. Or you’re on the street, relaxing on a park bench.
Technically, you’re not engaging in a strenuous activity that qualifies as work and/or play.
In that case, just tell her what you’re not doing.
“Oh, I am relaxing in the sun a little.”
“Ah, I’m having a drink with my friends. There they are.” (Point at them.)
It’s not about being literal. It’s about providing context, so she understands the situation.
You don’t have to do this immediately. As long as you come in relaxed and with a smile on your face, and she responds well, you can mention it after a few minutes.
If she is a little startled, you bring it up immediately to re-affirm you’re not a creep-o.
And if it’s not clear what she is doing there in that particular spot, you can ask her.
Let’s say you started talking to her on the street. She was walking somewhere.
Don’t ask her: “Are you heading to a dark, secluded park?” While licking your lips.
Instead, say: “Oh, you must be shopping.” Or any other activity that seems likely due to her appearance.
If you’re wrong, she’ll correct you.
Once it’s clear what the context of the conversation is, move on to the next step.
Step #8: Find common ground
I know. This sounds super basic. Something your mom might say if you ask her how to pick up chicks.
“Oh, just ask her about what she likes. Then talk about what you like!”
Hear me out.
We have two goals: connect with her and show her we like her in a certain type of way:
Only connect with her, and you’re going straight for friendszone land
Only show her you are “interested” in her, and you’ll scare her away.
The solution? Connect with her, but dripfeed your interest to her in a sexy and non-needy way.
Note to all you needy bastards: This does NOT mean, to find something in common and then go all like ‘OMG! I like that tooooo’.
But more on that later.
Let’s go into connecting a bit more.
(How not to show interest.)
How do you think people connect?
By talking about what they have in common. At least in the beginning of the conversation.
Let’s say you’re on a bus. Some dude approaches you. He looks scruffy and reeks of booze.
You feel the urge to pull back as he waggles towards you.
Then he shouts:
“Hey bro! Kappa Sigma Gama Phi, huh!”
You instantly recognize him as a frat brother from college. “Hey bro! What’s up!”
His scruffy and booze-reeking appearance suddenly makes sense. He just came home from a party.
He’s not some bum who wants your spare change or your kidney. he is someone with the same interests as you.
See how fast he transformed from a potential threat into someone from the same tribe as you?
That’s what you’re going for when you talk to a hot babe.
Establish that you have something in common, and she will trust you.
Obviously, this is not the sole reason why we’re doing it. You want to get to know her. You want her to want to get to know you. You want her to want you to want her to get to know you. Get it?
Put in more simple terms: you’re establishing how you can have fun together,
Let me tell you a little story.
I had a client who merely saw women as objects to lust after. Unfortunate, but increasingly common.
He wasn’t a creep or a bad person. He just valued casual sex over everything else. It bordered on the pathological.
I taught him how to pick up girls. Needless to say, he dated a ridiculous amount of women. They were happy with him, but to say he was really interested in their inner world would be an overstatement.
This is where it gets interesting.
One of his friends with benefits turned out to have a lot in common with him. TV shows, in facts. Nerdy sci-fi crap like Degrassi and Earth: Final Starship Laser Freakshow.
Ok, I made that laste one up. Let’s just say they both loved science fiction flicks.
They started watching DVD box-sets together. Think twenty-hour marathons.
After that, they started a sci-fi book club. A SCI-FI BOOK CLUB!
Oh well, who am I to judge. 🙂
From there on, they headed straight for a Vulcan mind-melt. It was so bad, I could barely get a hold of him for the remainder of the coaching sessions he’d already paid for.
Not that much later, that turned out to be unnecessary.
After six months, he and this sci-fi chick were in a relationship. He was talking about moving in together. They did. Three years later, they got married.
The point of this story:
Even the biggest womanizer prefers to spend time with someone he has a lot of common with. Especially as an alternative to banging boring babes.
The same goes for women. Common ground (or mutual interests) is what brings people closer together.
So if you start a conversation, find out what you have in common. Read this article on how to do this.
Step #9: Do not isolate her from others
Here’s an example of bad pick-up advice:
“After you start a conversation, isolate her so you can kiss her.”
This is almost as dumb as going to a club butt-naked.
Being sociable is attractive. By isolating her, you imply that you don’t want to talk to others.
Most girls go to a club to have fun with friends. And perhaps, to receive some attention from guys who want to flirt with them.
If you show up and say: “Hey, go with me for a second.” She might humor you if you’re really attractive or if she doesn’t mind leaving her friends for five minutes.
But even then, you’re better off just chilling with her and her friends.
Don’t get me wrong. You don’t have to talk to the group as a whole. You also don’t need to entertain them.
But you can get to know the girl you met in the vicinity of her friends, while every now and then talking to them as well. It shows you’re a normal guy, not some creep who will steal their friend (after which they never hear from her again).
If you’re not in a club but in a bar, this is even more important.
Also, engage with others around you. Not for a long time. Just acknowledge their existence. Be nice. Then continue the conversation with your girl.
Step #10: Take the lead
You’re flirting with her. She laughs at your jokes.
You both know what’s happening.
How do you move closer towards your goal of a one night stand, taking her number, or making her your girlfriend?
By making small but patient steps towards this goal.
If you go too fast, she’ll feel like you only want to use her for s3x.
If you go too slow, the tension is gone.
So keep the destination in the back of your mind, as you’re driving the car.
Here are a few interesting articles on how to make baby steps:
Step #11: Make her addicted to you
Girls are on Instagram and TikTok constantly. They are always entertaining themselves with it. For hours, sometimes even days on end.
There’s something to be learned. Making things fun and exciting will keep her engaged.
You’ve found common ground. There is tension in the air.
You are enjoying each other’s company. And if you keep going, you’ll end up in each others arms. (Or in other positions, but that’s a different type of site.)
That’s cool. But it’s also predictable. Predictable is bad.
Look at how girls use Instagram and TikTok. Novelty is the driving force for both. Constant new updates and stimulation ensures that they pick up their phone constantly.
What can we learn from this?
Be somewhat unpredictable.
- Tease her.
- Give her a backhanded compliment (as long as it’s funny and lighthearted.)
- Imply that she’s in love with you, but that you’re not ready to marry her yet.
- Try a new shot at the bar.
- Switch the topic to something silly.
Too much unpredictability is bad. You’ll come across as a weirdo, class clown, insane asylum escapee. None of which turn her on.
But too little ensures that she gets bored. You know you’ve lost when she reaches for her phone.
So experiment with the above. Read the following articles for more instructions:
Bonus step #12: How to make a move
This article started out as a guide on how to start a conversation.
Why would you start a conversation with a girl you don’t want to kiss? (Or more.)
So here’s some advice on how to make a move. So that you don’t f*ck it up after all the hard work you put in.
You diligently went through all the steps. The result:
- You’re having a good time.
- You found common ground.
- She knows you’re attracted to her.
- If she didn’t tell you to sod off, it’s likely she’s attracted to you.
Now, the latter can’t be assumed. At least according to every high school guidance counselor or intrusive aunt who constantly lecture you about consent.
Consent this, consent that. Blah blah blah.
Like we can’t tell the difference between an enthusiastic yes and an awkward no.
Here’s the thing. If a girl knows you’re into her, but she doesn’t like you, she will usually create distance between you two. She will walk off or tell you she doesn’t want to get physical. Or she will act so reluctant or confusing, that you walk away yourself.
If you flirt with her, and she flirts back with enthusiasm. Guess what? She’s not creeped out.
That’s one of the reasons why you want to be flirtatious from the start. If she’s isn’t interested, these remarks will make her uncomfortable. She will leave, speak up or scare you away.
Some girls are shy, nervous, or had bad experiences with men. Sometimes all three.
Those women they will appear withdrawn, uncomfortable, or outright hostile. This is the opposite of an enthusiastic “yes,” and therefore, easy to spot.
Consent is important. But it’s only part of the puzzle. Look at her behavior as a whole.
If she seems shy or withdrawn, it wouldn’t make sense to make a move until she is more comfortable. This includes asking for consent.
Put her at ease. Give her some time. If she appears to dislike your attention, walk away. If she thaws and flirts back, keep going until she is all over you.
Aim for enthusiasm and desire. Not for mere compliance.
Go for “dammmn, I want this guy.” Not “Meh, there was nothing new on IG, so who cares.”
An enthusiastic girl not only flirts back. She takes the initiative.
She finds excuses to touch you. Comes up with playful insults. Plays extra coy.
Or grabs your ass, or your face to make out with you. All without asking consent. Believe me, it happens more than you think. If a girl is into you, she will.
Of course, be aware of what she communicates. Ask for consent when appropriate. Don’t be the creepy guy that she complains about to her friends. Or worse, the six foot five bouncer with a taser in his pocket.
If she backs away, let her! The more space you give her, the more comfortable she’ll feel to act on any feelings of passion she might have.
The best way to make a move is to keep stimulating her until she does it herself. If that doesn’t happen, read this article on touching and kissing a girl: How to kiss a girl
How she becomes addicted to you…
Now you know how to start a compelling conversation with a girl. And to help you go the extra mile, I’ve got a little BIG something for you:
In this package you’ll find:
- How you can approach her like an attractive boss
- 5 Texting tips for all messaging platforms with tons of example sentences
- The best Tinder pick-up lines
- A 5-step plan to get out of the friendzone
- Steal my lines to get her hooked
- And loads more…
This package is like a Call of Duty care-package: you’ll get it for free and at the push of a button.
Go ahead and find the link at the bottom of this article.
I wish you lots of luck with your conversations!
Dan de Ram