If you’ve come to this article, one of these two things is at play:
You’re in the beginning stages of flirting/dating and she suddenly pulls away.
Or you’re in a relationship and she’s asked you to give her some space.
Regardless of your exact situation, you want to know why women pull away.
Perfect. Because by the end of this article, you will know the answer.
You will get:
- 10 Golden tips about what to do when she pulls away
- The first step for conquering the ‘pulling away’ problem
- 4 Things you DO NOT want to do when she pulls away
- What you want to say when she’s not ready for a relationship
- An effective and copyable message for when she pulls away
- And much more to figure out why she drops contact…
By the way, have you seen my free Transformation Kit?
You'll get my best stuff absolutely free: 12 Opening lines that actually work, my 5 best texting tips (including copy-paste lines for Tinder), and the Friendzone Houdini. Download the Transformation Kit here.
After reading this article it will become crystal clear why the woman you want is pulling away and get the exact steps on how to get her running back to you.
The most important reasons why she pulls away
I get your confusion, bro.
You’re thoughtful, caring, kind. You give her everything you think a woman wants.
And still, she pulls away!
Although there could be thousands of different specific reasons, generally, women pull away from a man for the following three reasons:
- She is no longer attracted to you.
- She is dealing with some of her own issues and is not ready for your attention.
- She’s testing you.
Over the course of this article, we will look further into these three reasons so we can shine a light on your personal situation.
Tip #1: She pulls away because of your pressure
A lot of men do this the wrong way.
Recently I received a comment (more like a short book) on a YouTube video about exactly this topic.
Let’s call the commenter Jerry.
Jerry went on a second date with a woman he met at university.
Even though the plan started off as ‘just having drinks,’ the date soon evolved into a full-on club party with an entire group of friends. Her group of friends.
Fast forward through the date and Jerry barely has a moment alone with his crush.
So he constantly drags her away from her friends. Constantly asks for her attention. And at the end of the night, before he goes off to bed, he texts her, saying he was disappointed that she had spent so little time with him.
She pulls away.
She texts less. She responds way slower. And she doesn’t entertain his proposal of going on a third date.
What’s going wrong?
Jerry was too needy!
Like a little child, he constantly begged for her attention while they were in the club. Making his crush feel that dating him is just like work.
The ‘having to’ kills your attraction.
She feels that you want something FROM her, instead of wanting something WITH her.
So in an ideal situation she wants to spend time with you.
How do you achieve that?
That, you will read later. But first, more about why women pull away.
Tip #2: She pulls away out of boredom
Have no illusions.
Even though pulling away out of boredom is more commonly associated with relationships, boredom plays a role everywhere.
Are you boring on Tinder? See you later, alligator.
Are you being boring during dates? Sayonara.
Hopefully, you’re wondering by now: “Am I being boring?”
Let’s figure that out together, starting with dating.
Maybe you had an extraordinarily fun first date with a girl. You laughed, you shared personal stories, maybe you even kissed.
Now you text each other daily.
So you think to yourself: “This is a slam dunk !”
That mindset is absolutely FATAL for your love life because a series of blunders is sufficient to make all your hard-earned attraction go out the window.
I’m glad you asked. The biggest dating blunders that lead to boredom are the following:
- Firing questions at her with the speed of a machine gun
- Constantly asking her if she’s having a good time
- Only exchanging facts about your work and hobbies
- Giving presentations about your biggest beliefs
- Never contradicting her
Maybe these bullet points sound a little abstract. So I will clarify in the next tip.
Tip #3: The 5 things that push her away
Nearly every man will commit one of these 5 dating crimes.
Here they all are, at lightning speed.
Never ask a disproportionate amount of questions. Because by doing that, you will continuously throw the conversational ball in her court without adding anything yourself. If you ask her an excessive amount of questions, she’s basically having a conversation with herself.
Asking her insecure questions
Don’t continuously ask her if she’s having a good time. That shows a lack of confidence.
You found it good and helpful what I just wrote, right? Are you sure? Was I not too harsh? Did you really like it? #thisisanexample
Excessive factual talk
Be careful with talking about facts. Facts, by themselves, are actually quite boring. “I am 25 years old. I’m an accountant. I studied at Harvard. I drive a Honda Civic. And I like long walks on the beach.”
Not very exciting.
Having monologues about super niche topics
Another blunder is talking an excessive amount about a boring topic.
Maybe you like talking about uploading your memory and personality onto a futuristic computer so you can live endlessly in the form of a computer…
*takes a big breath*
…but most people don’t find that interesting.
And lastly, maybe the biggest blunder: Not contradicting her.
You see, not a single person on this earth agrees about everything. That is what makes us humans so awesome. Do you agree about every little thing that comes out of her mouth? Then she knows you don’t have all your cards on the table.
In fact, she will think that you’re being nice to her, simply hoping that she will like you.
How does this people-pleasing look to her?
Like you’re taking off your pants, stick your butt in the air and hand her a strap-on.
Obviously, I’m yanking your chain but you know what I’m saying.
Did these topics hit close to home?
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Each of these blunders displayed above will lead to boredom and to an end of your attraction.
Most certainly, my dear reader.
In the next tip.
Tip #4: She wants to get out of the rut
Okay, time for a woman’s perspective.
*puts on wig*
Just kidding…. about the wig anyway. I will share the woman’s perspective with you.
Recently a female friend came by with a question about her relationship.
They have been together for a year, and even though he’s an AMAZING guy (she emphasized that several times), she no longer felt ‘butterflies.’ And she couldn’t put her finger on it as to why.
This is what I told her.
“First of all, over time, you will lose some of those butterflies, even after being together for a year.
That’s perfectly normal.
What’s not normal? When a couple completely embraces the death of all attraction and desire towards each other without any attempt of keeping it alive.
Because there’s a formula to desire: desire comes from distance.
And desire dies with proximity.
Just as a fire dies with a fire blanket, so a relationship dies when there’s too much contact with the partner. Both the fire and the relationship can’t breathe.”
After my advice, the pieces of the puzzle fell into place.
With eyes as big as dinner plates, she yelled:
So I asked her: “Do you know what to do now?”
The answer, of course, was to spend less time with each other and spend more time with friends.
Are you and your girlfriend never apart?
Meet up with your friends more often, or breathe some new life into some of your old hobbies or interests.
I go more in-depth on this topic in my article Signs of a Healthy Relationship: 11 Telling Questions
Tip #5: She wants space to think
Good news, guys:
As opposed to what most men think, women are not necessarily attracted to the man with the best jawline and the biggest bank account.
Women are mostly attracted to men with ambition. Men that wake up every day with that fire in their eyes.
Every woman’s wet dream…
Do you regularly get out of bed reluctantly? Maybe because you dislike your job, or this side gig you’re working on…
…Then odds are she has lost her attraction for you.
Because you give her the impression that you’re okay with an average life.
Was that deduction too big of a leap?
Let me explain it to you with some more concrete examples.
- Not have a toned body
- Not have a good sense of style
- Not have well developed skills
- Not have a fun job
- Not have any meaningful hobbies or interests
- Not have kids
Then you’re probably not doing much with your life apart from consuming goallessly.
And that is not sexy.
I’m not saying you should be a ripped genius that knows how to sculpt, paint, do calculus and contributes to science. But you do want to be an expert in something, or in some way, change the world for the better.
Otherwise, you’re (to put it bluntly) a parasite.
If your girlfriend or crush discovers that you live like a parasite, it will turn her off. And she possibly needs space to think about you.
In that case, she will be doing her own calculus.
Do you not have too many negatives? Then it’s quite likely that it is over.
In short, do you not enrich the world in any way? You’re displaying unattractive behavior.
And she will need distance to think if you’re good enough for her.
Don’t give her a reason to be doubting you. Pull your weight. Contribute.
Tip #6: She pulls away to seek a reaction
This is without a doubt the biggest frustration for men when it comes to dating women.
Though it’s less manipulative than it sounds.
Some women say they need distance and space as a test.
A test for what?
To see how much you like her.
Okay, think about your own situation: she pulls away, and you’re scouring a dating advice site in search of answers.
In other words, you’re looking for ways to get her attention again.
This search for answers indicates to her that you like her.
If she could see you now, she would have the proof that she wants: “He likes me! YES!”
Then why is she being so difficult?
Probably because you hide your intentions and never communicate exactly what you want from her.
If you don’t label the ‘relationship,’ she can find out what you want by pulling away.
Now that you know the most important reasons why she pulls away, it’s time to get her attention again.
But before we dive into what you want to do, let’s discuss…
Tip #7: Four things you do NOT want to do when she pulls away
When a woman pulls away, we men have a few natural reactions.
Some good, some bad.
The following four reactions to her pulling away are fatal to your attraction.
So pay attention, lads.
Does she want space? Don’t come too close!
When she pulls away, the natural response is to…
Shorten the distance.
In other words, blowing up her phone with messages and phone calls. Maybe even showing up unannounced at her work or her home because she’s not picking up.
This kind of behavior is catastrophic for her level of attraction towards you.
Your attraction already was quite wobbly. That’s why she’s pulling away (if she’s not ‘testing’ you); she’s unsure if you’re good enough for her.
If you don’t respect her need for space, then you’re only giving her more ammunition. More evidence as to why you’re not good enough for her.
Does she need space?
Give it to her!
But don’t use that time apart to do the following…
Don’t go sticking your nose in her social media like a bloodhound.
If she pulls away without reason, then obviously, you want to know why she’s doing that.
One way to find out her intentions is with a simple text message or a phone call.
But what if she doesn’t answer… or speaks in half-truths?
*puts on tinfoil hat*
When paranoia kicks in, all hell breaks loose and you give yourself no other choice but to scour her social media.
Even if she’s not doing anything strange, you will find something ‘strange.’
In the meanwhile, Frank might just be her tech-savvy grandpa.
So never let your insecurities get the better of you.
And please stay away from her social media if all you’re going to do is find fault in her stories.
Don’t go fishing for an explanation or a solution
I get it; you’re looking for an explanation.
And whether you do or don’t get that explanation, you also want to know when she’s going to stop pulling away.
Don’t go down that road.
Forcing an explanation out of her only pushes her further away.
Not only is the pressure you put her under quite unpleasant, but it’s also selfish.
Constantly asking “Why?” and “When will I see you again?” only revolves around your own needs.
But in the meantime, you don’t give a rat’s ass about her needs.
A few mild stretches before she runs off.
Give her the space she wants. Apparently, she needs it.
Your desires and needs will come later.
Now for the last and biggest fatal reaction.
Don’t go being that hopeless romantic
What I see a lot in these types of situations is that the guy takes full advantage of any possibility he has to talk to her.
Will lead to:
Maybe it sounds pretty innocent, but believe me, it’s not.
If she wants distance, then you have to show her you can survive that distance independently.
But if you communicate that you need her, she will experience that as pressure.
You don’t give her the time and space she needs to solve the issues that are clearly bothering her.
So she’s already flooded by emotions, and on top of it, you give her some more.
Now she wants even more distance.
So what should you do when she pulls away?
You will read that in the next tip.
Tip #8: The first step to conquering the pulling away-problem
A mistake that I see being made way too often in this context is the following.
Let me explain it through a story of a client of mine, called Paul.
Paul has been dating a woman for some time who lives in Italy. (They are not exclusive).
After not having seen her for a month, Paul called her and proposed to visit her in the near future.
To which she answered:
After five days, Paul still hasn’t heard anything, so he decided to do something about it and reached out to me.
After hearing the story, I immediately told him: “Stop thinking about it and move on with your life.”
Clearly distressed, Paul said: “Isn’t that a bit harsh, Dan? We don’t even know exactly what’s going on.”
To which I answered: “No, look. You’re willing to fly all the way from Amsterdam to Italy and she needs a couple of days to mull it over?”
“Why? Seeing each other is the EASIEST part of a relationship. If she doubts even that, it’s over. Period.”
If Paul had suggested starting a long-distance relationship? Then I would understand her need to think about it.
But seeing each other for a fun time with no strings attached (and you’re paying for the traveling costs)? That should be a no-brainer.
If it isn’t? Then it’s over.
What mistake did Paul make?
He didn’t recognize that she was wrong for him.
That’s why I request you to:
Think about what it is she’s pulling away from.
Are you in a committed relationship where you do your best to communicate, and you treat each other great…
…and she communicates that she needs some time for herself?
Fine. You want to honor her needs.
In which case it’s also healthy to discuss in an open and calm way why she wants a break.
But are you nót officially together and she feels a need for space or a break?
Go on with your life. Unless…
…she needs time to think about whether or not she wants to be in a relationship with you.
To find out the solution for that scenario, check out the next tip.
Tip #9: Is she not ready for a relationship? Say this to her:
If you’re in love with someone, then these are among the most painful words you can hear:
As soon as you hear that, your mind starts racing with millions of different thoughts. The worst being:
- Is it me?
- Am I not attractive enough?
- Does this mean it’s over?
Not a fun situation for anyone. Subsequently, your questions aren’t being answered because she’s taking time to think.
What do you do in a situation like that?
First of all, don’t get angry or frustrated. Just because she has reservations doesn’t make her a bad person.
If you want the best for her while increasing your odds of making her your girlfriend, say this:
Why is this so good?
First of all, she’s not sure what she wants. And trying to make her more sure of how cool you are is not going to work.
But do you tell her she is right and she should be on her own right now?
Then she gets a little insecure.
Now you remove her initial target, denying her the possibility to rebel against you.
Beyond that, you’re extremely positive. You don’t want to manipulate her. No, you want nothing more than to see her happy and that she finds what she’s looking for.
So now she sees an incredibly loving man she could potentially lose.
This brings me to the last part of the message:
Even though you support her in her search for happiness, you also indicate that it potentially could not happen. The relationship should not be taken for granted.
Lastly, you show a MASSIVE amount of value by telling her you don’t want to be with someone who is not 100% sure she wants to be with you.
By doing this, you display a healthy amount of self-respect and self-love. Yes, you love her, but you love yourself more.
This message is loving but also powerful. And it shows her that you’re not someone she would gladly lose.
Tip #10: What you want to say when she pulls away
This is how you get a message that is worth its weight in gold.
Uhh… seeing that digital bytes don’t weigh anything, it’s worth more than that.
The point is, the next message will save you a lot of trouble!
If you’re dating a woman for a while, it would be a bit strange for her to pull away suddenly.
When that happens, you don’t want to be a mind reader and start looking in your crystal ball.
If you do that?
You will find all sorts of connections between text messages and events that simply don’t exist. Then you’re even worse off than when you started.
Now you have an explanation for her pulling away, which isn’t even true. Nice going with that crystal ball Harry Snotter.
What’s a better solution for when she pulls away?
Taking your security into account by…
…claiming your own space!
How paradoxical. And it works wonders if she is the one who didn’t communicate her need for space.
How do you claim your space as an adult?
You send her the next message:
The beautiful thing about this message?
First of all, you’re taking control. You’re not running after her like some overexcited puppy.
Second of all, by saying, “I don’t want to develop any feelings for someone who doesn’t know what she wants.” you’re sub-communicating that:
- You like her.
- But also that she’s someone who doesn’t really know what she wants.
And that last part stings a little, because you’re telling her that she’s not the type of person you want in your life.
What will be the effect of this message?
Ideally that she contacts you because she misses you.
If she doesn’t? Then I feel for you, bro.
I know my feelings are of no use to you. That’s why I have something way more practical!
The free Transformation Kit so you can become more attractive for every woman.
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Good luck, amigo.
Dan de Ram